I have recently been watching the Historical and not at all fictional show Rome. It is set in Rome and there are lots of Romans in it. There are also some  Jews but that’s not important right now.

Anyway, the thing is when Romans were displeased they tended to get all stabby. A quick evisceration here, a stealthy transpiercing there. No messing about, stab, stab, stab, you’re dead, away we go. And anyone who has seen the news cannot have failed to notice the rise in knife crime.

Coincidence or is Ireland becoming Roman? Are more people wearing sandals, for instance? Is there a healthy slave trade? Are we punishing criminals by having them eaten by lions for our own amusement? If not at the moment then the emergence of these things should be all the proof we need. And if it does happen what should we do? I for one say we should embrace it.

For a start the problem of overcrowding in prisons could be solved by large felines consuming convicts. Would anyone have any great objection if bankers and those who got us into this financial crisis were crucified in the Phoenix Park? I don’t think so and by Caesar it would act as a deterrent to those who manage our financial institutions now.

And let us not forget the Roman Empire was powerful and spread far and wide across Europe. As unemployment rises conscription provides a wage and a job for those who would do little else but sit around and drink cans of Dutch Gold. Our armies can march forth and it would be a brave man who would take on the gougers and sly-fighting bollixes that would face them. Soon the Irelandium empire would be all powerful, we’d be out of recession, the distribution of punto denarii would be like a million SSIAs and all would be well again (apart from all the stabbing but nothing’s perfect).

Sometimes, just sometimes, you need to take a few steps backwards before you can move forwards again.