Perhaps it’s the old curmudgeon in me but I find the idea of spending any time in a field with thousands of other people absolutely abhorrent.

Firstly, I’m not a fan of fields. I accept that they serve their purpose but when fields were first made they were designed for growing crops or perhaps staging sporting events in. Nobody ever thought ‘Wouldn’t this be a brilliant place for people to congregate in large, sweaty numbers?’

Secondly, I’m not a fan of thousands of other people. I like my personal space. It’s well-maintained, highly cultivated and alluringly musky. I do not want the odour of Mickey from Carlow and Janet from Whitebog to mix with it.

Also, when there are thousands of other people it means your chances of being surrounded by absolute cunts is greatly increased. There are already far too many cunts as it is, why bring about more cuntosity on yourself?

Thirdly, the filth. This is 2009. How is it possible that with all the technology, awareness and knowledge we have music festivals require people to revert to the stone-age when it comes to moving ones bowels and showering and such?

I find it difficult to go for a poo anywhere but my own bathroom (the only real exception to this is in decent hotels which tend to have good clean toilets with fully enclosed cubicles and not those ghastly ones with a mere partition on the sides and space for people to look over or under the door), so the idea of having to have a brown baby boy in a portaloo dripping with the piss and shit of a thousand cunts makes me sick to my stomach. I’d rather watch Amy Winehouse get pounded by Brian Cowen.

Fourthly, the music. It’s all crap. Where are the legends like Mr Mister, Cutting Crew, Glass Tiger and Living in a Box? Kings of Leon? Kings of all our fucking songs sound the same because the singer does that yodelly thing with his voice, more like.

On the plus side the fact that so many people will be down at this weekend’s festival of setting tents on fire and vomiting down people’s throats means town is slightly less full of cunts than normal.

You’ve got to count your blessings, see?