Noses are like people. They come in all shapes and sizes, colours and styles, and provide some people endless entertainment whilst sitting at traffic lights.

They like nothing more than to have a good rummage around up there before wiping their bogies on their pants, or in the case of some, consuming with relish. And by relish I mean gusto and glee and not some tomato based sauce.

I’ve got a friend who, at the moment, has no sense of smell at all. He had a bit of a head injury, you see, and at the moment he doesn’t smell or taste anything. Which must be a bit crap. What’s for dinner tonight? ‘Crunchy’. Awesome.

Smells can remind you of places and people. For example, if you’re abroad on holiday and it’s a warm place and you pass an open bin in the midday sun the smell would put you in mind of Dirty Dave’s sitting room. Occasionally one can have a poo and you can detect the subtle frangrances of the food that constitutes said poo, like a wine expert sniffing out the fruit scents of a Chianti.

But the hair. The hair is the most extraordinary thing about the nose. It strikes me that all this focus on chemical solutions for baldness are a waste of time. All one needs to do is transplant nose hair into the head and from there great wild tufts of the stuff will grow at an alarming rate.

Give it a buzz cut and within a week you’ll have two inch long hair again. It’s amazing. All the various methods I have used to keep such hair in trim are practically useless. I have a nose hair trimmer/strimmer, I can yank great tussocks off the stuff out between my thumb and forefinger, and in no time at all in the inside of my nose is like a werewolf’s gooch again.

My new project is to collect all the hair that sprouts from my nose, keep it bagged, then fill a cushion with it. Then when someone comes to my house and says ‘Goodness, what a comfortable cushion this is’, I can say ‘Yes, it’s made from my nasal hair, you know’ and then there’ll be that awesome moment when they laugh because they think I’m joking only to realise that I’m not.