“Good evening, Nikolajs”, I say as I sit down at my familiar seat at the bar.
“Hello to you Major Twenty”, said Nikolajs. “What will it be that you are having for the drink?”
“A pint of the usual please”.
“Very good. One pint of Ventspils’ Finest Ale is up and coming”.
“You’re a gent”.
“And how are you friends? You know to which ones I am referring. The smelly and stupid one and the smelly and really stupid one”.
“No idea, to be honest. I got a postcard from Dave a couple of months ago. He was on the frontline of the Turkish war. You know, the sooner we retake Constantinople the better. It’s carnage out there”.
“War. Is good for what?”
“Absolutely nothing. Apart from keeping those great military conglomerates in business and we don’t half need them. When you think of all the jobs created since the merger of Intel and Rivada Networks this country would be even more fucked without them”.
“So true”.
“And now that they’re using the talents of the people of Limerick properly to make missiles, bombs and landmines instead of computers we could soon find ourselves out of this recession. What were Dell thinking? PCs. I mean seriously”.
“Snack? I have Owl wings or some de-ionised cabbage fritters”.
“No thanks. Any crisps?”
“Salt and Eel or Mud and Vinegar?”
“Actually, I’m grand”.
“And the other friend? Pete?”
“Oh, who knows? Last I heard he’d been sold to a Bavarian aristocrat to take part in some kind of dungeon based game weekend. I fear the worst, I have to say”.
“These indeed are the pitfalls of the new Europe. But think about all the benefits”.
“You have to look at the upside, no doubt about it. Your €1.87 an hour wages mean the price of a pint has fallen considerably and your many family members provide cheap and easily replaceable labour driving down the price of everything”.
“This year seven of my children have died in construction accidents working on the sites of building of Zeo Developments. But is ok! I have fourteen more”.
“How is your daughter, by the way?”
“Can you believe she is back in the work already?”
“Really? But she only had her abortion yesterday”.
“Yes, and is her fifteenth abortion this year. I am thinking she has addicted to them, you know?”
“They’re all the rage, in fairness. All the cool kids are having them”.
“Kids, these days, so crazy! Can you imagine how would be if Ireland vote No to the Lisbon Treaty?”
“It doesn’t bear thinking about. Ahh, there’s Jimmy”.
“Howya, Twenty. Just been up visting Ron’s grave. I swear I could hear him turning in it”.
“Ahh, you’re probably imagining things”.
“You’re probably right. Pint, please, Nikolajs”.
“Up and coming, Colonel Jimmy. How is going the coup?”
“Bloodily”.
“Excellent”.
“Yes, yes it is”.