Under the Freedom of Made-up Information act I found a draft version of John O’Donoghue’s statement to the Dáil. Errors are not mine.

To each member of Dáil Éireann,
September 11th, 2009.
Fellow gobshites,
I am writing to you and to our other colleagues in the Dáil in the context of recent extensive media coverage concerning costs incurred by me as an office holder.
The first thing I need to make clear, although I had not intended to draw any attention to this fact, is that I unilaterally and voluntarily took a 10 per cent reduction in my salary since October, 2008. But I feel that you should be aware of it in the context of the recent media coverage to which I have referred.
The second thing is that I am writing this letter on the anniversary of those awful terrorist attacks in New York which resonate very strongly with me as the ‘weapons’ that day were airplanes. And I spent a lot of time in airplanes. If you were to be given the choice of having your plane flown into a skyscraper or paying that bit extra for first class wouldn’t you do it too?
In my position as Ceann Comhairle I must remain an impartial member of Fianna Fail to ensure the Dáil runs smoothly for my former ministerial colleagues. For me to address things I did when I was codging my expenses the same way they’ve been doing as well would be inappropriate and unbecoming to the position as speaker of the house.
I will remind the deputies, I will remind the deputies, I will remind the deputies, I will remind the deputies, I will remind the deputies, I will remind the deputies, I will remind the deputies, I will remind the deputies, I will remind the deputies, I will remind the deputies, that this may appear to be rather convenient but when any of you become Ceann Comhairle then you too may take advantage of follow this procedure to its fullest.
It is also worth mentioning that in 2008 I unilaterally and voluntarily took a 20 percent reduction in my salary as well as giving a large black sack of old clothes to the St Vincent de Paul.
Travel Expenditure as Ceann Comhairle
As Minister for Tourism it was my job to travel the world to promote Ireland as a tourist destination. Bearing that in mind how would it appear to the people I was trying to woo if I were to stay in a Comfort Inn having arrived in economy class on Ryanair? Being a Minister affords a man a certain standing and I simply had to look the part.
It is standard practice throughout the Inter Parliamentary Union that the speaker of a parliament is treated with the same level of courtesy as a Minister of Government. Items of expenditure including use of lounges, courtesy cars, first class flights, 5 star hotels, dinners in Michelen star restaurants, masseurs, midget butlers, ‘late night entertainment’, premium channels on the hotel room television, muscular sweaty black men to fan one with large palm leaves and helping to dispose of bodies are are the customary courtesies that we provide whenever we host an incoming parliamentary delegation to Ireland. I simply applied those same standards to myself.
Let us not forget what an incredible effect I had on bringing tourists to Ireland. Absolutely loads of them came on the back of all the charm and sophistication I brought to conversation wherever I went. Never more so than at Cheltenham races when I mingled quite excellently with thousands of Irish people who live in Ireland then travel from Ireland to England for the festival making them tourists when they return. And homegrown tourists too, none of those foreigners who decide to stay and take all our jobs either.
Reform
As part of the ongoing process of streamlining the Department of Tourism it should be noted that I unilaterally and voluntarily took a 30 percent pay cut and gave a home to a small group of pygmy orphans who to this day live in a treehouse in my back garden.
As Ceann Comhairle, I have dedicated myself to achieving efficiency in the running of our modern democratic institutions and to doing so in a transparent and open way. If you would like more details of this transparent and open way please submit a Freedom of Information request including a stamped addressed envelope and a cheque for €3,854.41 made out to cash so as to expedite your request. Please allow 28 days months for delivery.
As I have mentioned, the nature of the position of Ceann Comhairle as impartial chairman of Dáil Éireann under the Constitution prevents me from becoming embroiled in public controversy in the media or on the floor of the House. This is why I shall be launching a covert campaign against bloggers who bring these so-called ‘facts’ into the public domain when everyone was quite content to let them lie.
Although the mainstream media has taken the story over and made it its own I will remember till my dying day where this all started. I shall say no more but to hope that the wicked perpetrator’s county ends up with a solid thrashing in the All-Ireland Football final. And if that doesn’t happen perhaps a solid thrashing with a length of gwavin pipe would suffice.
Conclusion
Finally on a personal level, I wish to acknowledge that some of the costs incurred appear high. I sincerely regret, in so far as I am concerned, that I got caught. Yet let us not lose sight of the fact that this was not money from the Dáil kitty with which we do the Lotto syndicate or pay farmers to fight to the death, this was the taxpayer’s money and we’ve been gilding our lillies off those idiots for an age. I fail to see what all the fuss is about now.
And while while some costs of the arrangements appear high and have caused disquiet, they were legitimate and in accordance with the Department of Finance guidelines.
If you can find better value chaffeurs or someone who would drive you from one terminal in Heathrow to another for less than £500 I would be happy to consider those options in the future. Yet if one more person tells me I could have got the tube for less than a fiver then I may just scream. Ministers do not get tubes. Or buses. Or taxis. Or walk. Or stay in anything other than opulent, lavish surroundings.
Despite all the controversy I would like to remind people that in 2008 I unilaterally and voluntarily took a 100 percent pay cut and donated all my savings to Cheeverstown House – a home for ‘cappers and mentalists.
In considering the extent of the costs, I am of course concerned but equally determined to ensure that, in future, such costs are not discovered by hiding them better than we have done up to now. We all learn from the events of the past and I commit myself to ensuring that this costs level does not recur in so far as I am concerned and I will remind the deputies that if this shit carries on I know a fair bit about them too and I would have no compunction about leaking that information to as many hacks as I can find.
In so far as I’m concerned.
Your pal,

John O’Donoghue, TD, Ceann Comhairle, Freemason, Xtravision member, Soldier of Destiny