All this Olympic torch business is fun, isn’t it? It’s easy to attack some saps carrying a giant flame but not so easy to do anything day in day out about the crazy murderous Chinese. Sure, they’ve got football stadiums for executions but if you really give a shit about that kind of stuff why can’t you do something about it without trying to put out the Olympic torch?

Boycotting the Olympics is a crap idea. People have known for years it’s going to happen in China, why wait till now to get all stroppy about it? The only good thing the Olympic boycott did all those years ago was allow a white man to win the 100m gold medal. And not only that, a fucking Scotsman too. God bless you, Alan Wells.

Anyway, if the Chinese had been any way savvy about the whole thing they’d have gotten some celebs to carry to torch for them. Had they made the right choices there’s no way it would have been extinguished. For example, if it were Amy Winehouse carrying the flame of sport then nobody would gone near her for fear of picking up whatever kind of skin plague it is she is suffering from, and even if they did she could rekindle it by picking some of the flaky scabs and burning them.

Or Britney Spears – protesters could have tried their hardest but the gang of paparazzi surrounding Britney would have made it impossible for them to get close.

Tom Cruise – people are afraid of genuine lunatics. I remember sitting in a café one day and there was this strange sound. Eventually I figured out it was this very tall man grinding his teeth. Within minutes all the tables surrounding him were empty. Tom Cruise is that kind of mental. People, no matter how strong their political convictions, would be afraid to go near him in case he started doing that laugh which you can imagine turns into rabid barking after not too long.

Anyway, what’s the big deal about Tibet? It’s not like they’re an endangered species like pandas. And when did you ever see a cool video with a Tibetan sneezing really loudly? Exactly.