Before the undoubted trauma that is the Dublin diocesan report, time to revisit and old favourite. Change 1 letter, and only 1 letter, in a pop-star’s/band’s name to make a different one.

For example:

The Polite – Don’t stand so close to me, if it’s no trouble.

Stink – Lead singer with The Polite has BO issues

Debbie Gibbon – Hairy arsed, swings from trees, 80s teen sensation

An Emotional Fist – much more dangerous than a fish

David Mowie – he just loves to cut grass

Ojos de Bruno – Frank didn’t need his eyes no more

Musty Springfield – classic chanteuse is quite insistent

Jobbie Williams – he’s a poo

Westlice – Louis Walsh’s men have nits

Badly drawn Bob – a crude sketch of Dylan wears funny hats

Cheryl Mole – Ashley’s missus lives underground

Earth, wand and fire – Magic 70s disco

Alison Monet – Former Yazoo singer is a mean painter too

–

Possibilities endless … I’m in a rush. Have at it.

We’ve done it with film stars and with films, but what about footballers?

Simply change one letter of a footballer’s name to make something new and infinitely more amusing. For example:

Damien Puff – winger and friend of Dorothy

Thierry Henly - top Japanese striker

Bobby Chorlton – slapheaded former kids TV favourite

Harry Jewell – permainjured Australian treasure

Robbie Fouler – Scouse hatchet man

Robin van Persil – Dutch washing powder thief

Shay Niven – goalkeeper and suave actor

Eric Cuntona – just coz

Gary Dirtles – Filthy former Forest forward

John Divine – Full back and fat, drag queen cabaret act

Johnny Piles – Hemorrhoid afflicted ex-player and RTE pundit

Kevin Moron – Not terribly intelligent centre-half

Steve Mould – Former Gunner made up of microscopic fungi

….

The possibilities are almost endless. Over to you. Remember, you can just change one letter, not two, not add letters, or anything else.

“Here, I was reading your blog last night”, said Dirty Dave.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’ve got one for your celebrity names thing.”

“Go on then.”

“Ron the Carman – he’ll look after your automobile!”

“Erm…”

“Timmy the Bollix – the Famous Five dog is a bit of a hard bastard!”

“Uhm…”

“Stinking Pepe – smelly French barfly!”

“Guh…”

“Dirty Cave – with one letter I become Oprah’s anal passage!”

“That’s enough now.”

“Splodgi – birthmarked bloke becomes famous Dingle dolphin.”

“That doesn’t even work, you twat.”

“Mucky Luciano – mud covered compassionate assassin!”

“That one’s not bad.”

“Twenty Manor – chain smoking, Guinness drinking, white-beared country estate!”

“Capital work. But really, that’s enough.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right, I’d best head off anyway. I’ve rented a DVD to watch.”

“Oh yeah? What did you get?”

“That one about the yiddish speaking shark.”

“Eh?”

“Jews!

Actors – what a bunch of self-indulgent, up their own arses cunts. I think you have to be a bit of a lunatic to want to be an actor anyway, which is probably why so many of them take the River Phoenix option.

Like yer man from that new Batman film, Heath Ledger. Then I was thinking if you changed just one letter in his name he becomes Death Ledger. Spooky, or what? Then I was thinking further what fun, relatively speaking, you could have by changing one letter of a person’s name to make another word. Or something.

Shane Hogarty – Irish Times columnist and man who likes to roll around in filth on farms

Willie O’Pea – gun toting government minister, fistcuffs seeker and little round green fuckwit

Cock the Robber – Limerick blogger who will steal from you with his big, red helmet

Daniel Gay Lewis – Actor and huge Streisand fan

Enda – haunting vocals, crayon drawn videos and perfectl elevator music from one of Donegal’s favourite sons

Wavin Friday – A shit hanger-on in pipe form

Toy Keane – a little plastic ex-Man United footballer. Batteries not included.

Oral Barry – radio presenter and fellatio expert

And that’s just Irish people. Go worldwide and it’s even better.

Uri Yeller – loudmouthed celebrity ‘psychic’.

Lenny Truce – Comic who can always find a conciliatory tone during any conflict

Jane Honda – Vietnam hating actress and easy ride

Nicole Kidmap – ex-Ginger who you can open out to find out where your children are and how to get there

Sarah Jessica Barker – Dog

You see, the possibilities are almost endless. Let’s have yours.