My fellow Americuns,
it is with great pleasure that I am here today on this very important top secret mission from Ireland. A funny thing happened on the way here, actually. An opposition politician tried to stop me from making this visit but in the end another politician gave him a pear so it’s all fine.
What can I say about education in Ireland? Well, we have many wonderful universities such as UCD, DCU, UCC, ICU and MFI. That’s not even mentioning that cornerflag of Irish schooling, Trinity College, named after the holy trinity of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. When you consider some of the students that have walked through those mallowed halls it is truly inspiral, like a carpet. Oscar Wilde, Brad Stoker, that bloke who took a year off RTE to make a website nobody reads, McNulty from The Wire and Samuel Beckett are all former aluminiumni. Imagine the pride of following in their footsteps.
Ireland is a nati0n which loves students, both its own natives and natives from other countries. I’m sure there are many native Americuns who would find great joy in studying in our country. Not only is there’s a special dedication to learning but the extra-crickular activities are what makes being a student so great.
When a student sends an email or a telex home to give their parents an upgrade on what’s been happening in their lives, they can regale them with tails of poetry, science, arts and medicine as well as hilarious stories about how they ended up in an early house in Smithfield one morning doing Jaegerbums with the salt and pepper of the earth. The real Dubliners and not those fakers who have that magazine Tiger Woods pseud.
We are a country of scribes and poets, writers and playwriters, actors and musicians. Our literarally tradition is known throughout the world and beyond. You need only look at the great works of Irish literature to see how potential students might be influenced. Who could fail to be awoken by James Joyce and Ulysses? There is nothing more quimitentially Irish than the story of how Ulysses, commander of the giant spaceship, Odyssey, kills the giant Cyclops to save a group of enslaved children and is sentenced to find the kingdom of Hades by Zoos.
Who would not laugh out loud, or ROFL as the kids say these days, at Flann O’Brien’s hilarious cop novel? Let them witness the majesty of an O’Casey play performed at The Abbey at a time when the country is most definitely in a state of chassis. And if they do not experience the joy of seeing out of work Gaiety School of Acting graduates scratch a few pennies together performing a half-baked Shakespeare play in St Stephen’s Green then their time here will have been ill-spent.
In conclusion we hold education to the highest possible standards. From Einstein to Darwin, from Tyrannosaurus’s theorum to regular calculus, it’s all there. We don’t believe in the ‘three Rs’. Reading, Writing and Arthrithmitic are not 3 Rs, they’re an R, a W and an A. We have the RAW materials to educate your children for WAR. And no Americun can live without that.
I think you kindly for your time and your attention. A 64 page bruschetta is available at the front.
Dear Boston,
Please keep Mary Dicklan, with our apologies. But send us a few bucks anyway, like the old days, and if you’ve any laboring / policing / bus driving / fire department work for my third cousin Mike’s wife’s nephew I’d be forever in your debt.
Yours etc,
Paddy
it would be funny if it wasnt so true to life…
i live for the day clowen, harney and coughlan are gainfully employed in the leprechaun museum, playing a leprechaun and two pookas respectively..
nice one 20maj..rofl…
ha ha, very good. quimitentially, my new word for the day
Her other Boston address:
535 Boylston St
Boston,
MA 02116-3720
USA
I’ve just read the “alma mater” quote.
Wait until the informal post speech get
together she’ll make Palin look sensible.
Here’s a clip, apologies for the added Tubridy – http://www.entertonement.com/clips/bwjwmybcxr
Bad and all as Coughlan is in that clip, Tubridy is truly awful.
What a ham.
Living over in England I’m spared such tripe.
What ever Coughlan is doing in the US could be done just as well, and probably better, by some Irish Embassy functionary. Just another junket.
The opposition can’t even oppose.
Rubbery and winner of the Irish Lovely Girl competition have split up. If he doesn’t take a suitable wife soon, he’s finished. RTE and the Bishops won’t be pleased.
HM, never was there a more mismatched couple. the flower of irish womanhood and that ratty whelp.
her perfect genes have been spared his scrawny sperm, and a new generation of celtic nobility can spring from her loins..
A surprising lack of foul language in that speech..
fill3rup
September 28th, 2010 @ 12:06 pm
A surprising lack of foul language in that speech..
you fucking said it filler.
pretty much fucking excellent besides that omission (spell omission?)..jesus; I’m getting like sweary mary..
I didn’t know McNulty went to trinity. Now have an image in my head of him riding Coughlan on the trunk of his car. Ugh.
Thanks for the laugh, 20 – bloody brilliant.
Imprimatur / alma mater – horrible – yes – very – but call me old fashioned or call me a spa, but INTERNATIONALISATION ………
I know , I know , I googled it and it’s fucking there – but who said it was okay – who did – bastard.
Could biturdy have a beard rash that needs
scratching?
If this trade mission is that important, why are they sending Coughlan? I know it’s her portfolio but there never has been elected a more useless cunt.
Exactly what I was thinking.
It’s the civil servants that do all the deal-making.
And the interpreting of her accent.
Jesus – I’ve finally heard Tubridy in action.
If Sweary Mary wrote that letter it would have been more colourful.
I’m surprised at Labour facilitating this, our diplomats hate, hate, HATE her. She’s an embarrasing tool, with the language of a rabid sailor with an itchy sack.
But she is kind of attractive in a Mary Lou kind of way ….
Wonderful stuff!
A round of applause for Twenty!
Is it just me or did reading that hurt anyone elses eyes? I’ll have you done for ocular assault Twenty.
I want hear what Loco thinks about all this..
Maybe Labour wanted Sweary to go on that junket to annoy the mandarins.
Or just so they wouldn’t have to listen to the knacker-voiced twat for a few days.
Could some nice American now steal her passport please and keep her there. In a sort of Stephen King Misery kind of way?
What’s all this about Cowen giving an exclusive interview to his press secretary?
East Germany anyone?
Is that why Brian Clowan looks like Rab C. Nesbitt’s smarter, slightly more sensible brother on the I.T. site at the moment?
Crank – I e mailed a friend who lives in that neck of the woods with your suggestion about keeping her – his answer
We’re up to our ass already in dimwitted Irish pols.
I’ll send him a new banjo if he does it.
Where are all these new students going to
be educated? Are there enough places for Irish
students or are they meant to fuck off?
One F.F.spokesman was talking about the spin off
for landlords and B’n'B owners – small time versions of the fuckers who got us into this mess
in the first place.
This job initiative announced today has one of
it’s central pillars in tourism,so are the unemployed to retrain to work for hotel owners
- slightly larger versions of the above – and doff
the cap to foreigners hoping for a euro tip.
Cowan and Co. have been pulling numbers out of
the air all day,trying to lend them credence with
the odd sprinkling of ‘The Smart Economy’and other
platitudes promising pie in the sky by 2015 and
meantime they’ve plenty of junkets in sunny
places lined up.
American students are so serious. Cunts.
Clinton was one.
Our erstwhile Minister for Foreign Affairs Mihole Martin must be shitting himself.
2/1 She’s asked about Cowen on Jay Leno and says something stupid
3/1 She causes a diplomatic incident
4/1 She’s not staying at the Embassy but at the Waldorf Astoria with four personal assistants and her pet goat ‘CJ’.
5/1 She’s baked some biscuits to bring with her to sell in ‘order to help wit da balance of payments’.
Tweny, yur experteez wit spellin, grama an sintex wood getchya a degree in litritcha in Hahvahd or any udda place of hi lernin in the u es of A. You cood be a pafessa in any of dem if yoo come over an apli. In a yeer or 2 yu wood be runnin da place cuz dere eezy to con, jest leen to da left, dey’l eatcha up. (Dat meens dey’l lik ya.)If yoo do deside to kom over an take da job, make shur dey bild a bah in yer digs an supppli yu wit free booz. Yu’od do good wit the chiks, boids in irsh. An da woik ain’t hahd. All yu’d do is stan in front of a bunch a dum fuks an talk to dem about buks an shit like dat. Skip da poms, Merikins don’t do good wit dat shit, we ain’t inta pomms, exept da metaroseshuals. Lotsa pot and cok to keep ya frum goin nutz. Da stoodints giv it to ya free if yu giv dem gud grads. Yu’l get laid a lot to, too, or wateva. Da chiks ar hot an mor den wilin.
Or maybe yu cood go inta politiks if ya kom ovah. Wit chyur expireeinz yu cood retire wit a forchin in jig time an go to Rio dee generro befo duh cops cach ya. We ain’t got no extradikshun treety wit dem. Mor hot chiks, booz and gud stuf to snort. Not to much rain an lotsa sun. Luk up sun on goooogil. Life ain’t bad wen yer outa Irlind. Keep up da gud woik expozin da bd guys…until dey getcha.
“Brad Stoker”? Never heard of him before.
Chets brother.
Batt O’Keefe and Mary Coughlan are representing this country at an expo. Brrr.
Can any anybody find the schedule the two planks will be following? I’ve rooted around and I can’t find shit.
I’m reminded of this schedule and I’m still waiting to hear how Mary Harney got on with business and did her presence barge open doors that wouldn’t usually be open.
http://election.ie/2010/03/mary-harneys-itinerary-in-new-zealand/
Would you buy anything off Batt O’Keefe, Mary Coughlan or Mary Harney. They’re fucking shit. This governemnt fucking disgusts me. Yes I know I’m repeating myself but they are fucking dreadful. North Korea, Burma – do they pay a vig of 6.8%?
can somebody please post the correct spelling of what Coughlan was trying to say?
imper mater?
Cant find on google..
Has the Cowen drinking story died yet?
Irish media still don’t want to talk about it?
Wasn’t there a bit of a rumpus a few months back involving rumours of Mary Harney and drink?
Is that something else the media know all about but refuse to divulge?
Mention of Batt O’Keeffe, (how can anyone take Irish politicians seriously when they have names like Batt and Mattie), reminds me of a piece over on The Story, where his ministerial S-class Merc was parked on double yellow lines outside Doheny & Nesbitt’s while he knocked back pints inside with Conor Lenihan.
http://thestory.ie/2010/02/25/cars-and-people/
There’s no truth to the Mary Harney rumour. The rumour-monger has withdrawn what she said. When I heard Nell MCafferty saying that what she said that day my already low opinion of her fell off the cliff. She was saying it in a manner more suited to the surroundings of the fruit and veg aisle of Londis in Malahide. Smalltown, gossipy, rumour-mongering bile spewing from the McCafferty gob. Auld bat.
That scene outside the pub reminded me of this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9SG-zYvPjk
Sam – imprimatur
That cunt Jamiroquai is on The Jools Holland Show. Shame on Jools
Like an ecclestical thumbs up.
Mary Harney does not have a drink problem. The pills took care of that.
thnx @ 2o_m
If Ireland leaves the EU and sets up as a neutral zone between the US, EU and Asia, we’ll be loaded. We can offer tax breaks to all sides and develop a intermediary industry where companies, experts and universities can collaborate free of the restraints of their respective regimes.
There you go. Only problem is there’ll loads of Yanks and Huns but loads of hot Asian chicks. Maybe this crisis could have a happy ending after all.
Holemaster
September 28th, 2010 @ 10:26 pm
We can offer tax breaks to all sides and develop a intermediary industry where companies, experts and universities can collaborate free of the restraints of their respective regimes.
We’ve already done that – the IFSC along with financial regulation implemented by FF/PD and their pals – “the wild west”.
Ireland may not have a choice shortly- the only thing keeping is in the Eurozone and the EU at the moment is the fact that we owe UK and German banks over 800billion euro.
Thats the only thing standing between Ireland, default, the IMF and quite possibly being thrown out of Europe.
I agree HM with your theory that we should if dumped immediately switch to a ‘channel islands’type economy and go for being the new offshore Switzerland.
Only one problem- no-one trusts Irish banks, regulators or government so that might be a problem.
Yeah but it doesn’t have to Irish banks, it can be banks from anywhere. Just as long as the Government is getting enough revenue from them all to provide free health and education for all, I’d be happy.
We’ve nothing substantial to make. We had no industrial revolution because we were the food produce supplier to England then. The only thing we have is high level research and development which employs very few people and pharma companies which can move an entire factory in about 50 truckloads to anywhere in the world.
The only reason we were wealthy in the last 20 years was because of a huge case of fooling ourselves. There’s a limit to the amount of property a country of 5 million needs.
We’ll never be that wealthy again. But we will be that stupid again.
I notice the Irish news today has failed to report the very loud muttering coming from German MPs saying that any bailout for Ireland has to come at the expense of our low corporation tax.
It’s like saying to a one-legged man: “I’ll give you a crutch but first you have to give me your other leg.”
We’re fucked.
Low corporation tax is our oil.
Watch this space but I can see our corporation tax being just one of the prices we pay to get out of this mess.
That and dying horribly because the hospitals are all either closed or staffed by administrators. Good plan HSE West.
It’ll be alright, I’m sure. For one, you’re at the very least not Greece. And for another, based on this old thing: http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/11/03/irish-accent-voted-worlds-sexiest/ I am sure you lads will always have a vibrant and thriving phone sex industry to fall back on?
Ah now, vibrant and thrusting, don’t you mean, to be sure now Queenie darlin’
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-11427434
couldn’t find this on Skynews. I didn’t look because i refuse to engage with shite but if I did I’d be confident that the story ain’t on Sky. Same for Foxnews.
Queenie – Greece has nice weather and better food.
I want to be Lebanese. Before Israel blows it up again.
I hate Falafel. Give me Pakora any day.
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HM knows …
haha, classic
Cheers Twenty
:D
Excellent, a fitting tribune to the Gap of Dunloe
Jaegerbums. LMAO. That’s what Cowen and his bum chums were drinking last week.