Dear inventors and boffins,
I need a head to screen converter. Or a head to fingers to screen converter. See, I have this thing I want to write and in my head it’s perfect. I can visualise it, I can hear how it sounds, if I wanted to I could probably mould it into something physical.
I know the tone of it, how it’s supposed to be read, the funny bits, the touching bits, I know the start and the end but not the middle but the middle is the bit you make up as you’re going along so that’s no real issue. In my head it’s alive and trying to get out.
Problem is when I sit down to do it it doesn’t sound anything like it sounds in my head. If, for example, I’m imagining it in my head as the perfect example of the human form what comes out is Brian Cowen’s belly with Mary Harney’s arse for a mouth and little fliddy limbs and possibly some kind of vestigial tail.
So, I need some kind of device which can retrieve the perfect form from my head, translate it into fingertip movements so I can bash it out on the keyboard for the polished end product.
Yeah, I know, hard work, concentration, dedication. I’ve tried some of them before and I don’t really like them.
Invent me the thing and I’ll give you 10% of all the profits. Honest.
yours,
Twenty
Trust. You can do it. Right time and day and place and it will come. Try and start to thing it out loud in your head. Maybe write down a description of what yo uwant to write without writing IT yet. And carry a notebook and pen at all times.
I used to wake up with the most sublime ideas, fall asleep again and forget them. So I put a notebook and pen next to the bed and wrote them down when I woke up. Biggest load of shite ever.
Yeah, all makes sense.
It’s just that when it’s ‘out loud’ it doesn’t seem as well formed as the sense of it that I have in my head. If that doesn’t sound too wanky.
No, I know it. In your head you just sort of feel it. I know someone wo can write like that ,she creates these perfect atmospheres and scenes and sensations. You totally feel what she’s describing, the surroundings, the tension, the unspoken feelings. Bitch!
Bitch!
heh
Magoo – never have those nighttime ideas. Generally have ideas when a bit pissed and I nearly always say to myself ‘That’s such a good idea you’ll never forget it’.
But I mostly always do.
LSD
Bring back Jimmy The Bollix and Stinkin’ Pete, put them in the middle bit and sit back as they get the blame for everything.
It worked before, why shouldn’t it still work now?
I’ll need 30%
17.5%
Git – not sure they’d quite fit in to this thing
HM – pretty sure that LSD is not the answer. Not if my mate who spent Sat night at Electric Picnic trying to explain the theory of the ‘fatula’ is anything to go by.
yes, please can someone invent this for twenty. asap.
You need a Ian Banks implant.
Well booze would be one answer but that in turn requires another invention.
I often write the most inspired, perfect, flowing essays in the evenings when I’m bleary drunk but for some reason the prose seems to deteriorate during the night and tends to look like garbled nonsense the next day.
So someone should really invent a text-preserver which maintains the integrity of what you’ve written while you sober up.
You need a Ian Banks implant.
That is almost exactly what I need.
it hasn’t been a problem for you before judging by some of the sh1te you’ve subjected us all to!!
was looking through gizmodo for article on chimp to computer interface article which i though would be perfect for you twenty, but found this instead. gluaisteain isn’t shouting…
One word
Ghost Writer
heh, Porridge. Explains a lot.
Maggot, maybe I am the ghost writer
Write the shit version and edit it better.
The USB cranial port won’t be beta-tested until 2018 but if I were you I’d wait until the 2nd generation units are released in early 2020. They’ll rush the initial release and there’ll be a few firewalling bugs. Having your head turned into a server for a stupid interweb troll is, apparently, irreversible.
Two words then
Ghost Ghost writer.
is it not Iain? shoot me
this guy has it. sometimes
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-11253698
It is ‘Iain’ Itchy. Maybe that’s what Twenty meant by ‘almost exactly’ or was it the ‘a’ I used instead of an ‘an’?
I read too much into things.
Christina Hendricks is a natural blonde.
I don’t know how you come up with something different for us every day as it is Twenty, but I’m glad you do. And whatever it is, the words will come I’m sure. Perhaps maggot reminding you about Christina Hendricks will help
Tom Waits said writing was like trying to catch birds in your mouth without killing them. Sometimes all you get is a mouthful of feathers.
off topic
channel 4 news 10/10
tonight; Le Carré (maggot – you were right, I was shocked to find out it was **** who was the spy in Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy – haven’t started the 2nd part of the trilogy, the honourable schoolboy because Artur Lyons is my new hero.
http://www.channel4.com/news/articles/uk/interview+john+le+carr233+speaks+to+jon+snow+in+his+last+tv+interview/3765777
and this very good report last night, just bring the house down
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid62612474001?bctid=607585418001
tennis updates later.
just in case anybody missed this from sat night when poor Vera Zvonoreva went gaga again, the young fella wants to be in the sopranos
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjfiPhND6_Y&feature=fvwk
That seems a little odd.
I’d liken it to something else. I don’t know what though. Probably being bum-fucked by a rhino.
better footage. same scrap. i’d be leaning towards siding with the young soprano
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwXs3bul3dA&NR=1
heeeheeee
i’m going to watch this on loop all day. from different angles. well. at least until the habitual arse-picker Nadal and Djoko walk out on court
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCodW3ZR9k8&feature=related
Twenty, Chardonnay and Galaxy bars work for Patricia Scanlan and Celia Ahern.
Maybe you should try Chianti and Yorkies.
hah
I really hate Yorkies though.
Moros or Double Deckers are good man-up bars.
i thought it was sterling and dollars which brought on shit-fiction from the aherns
sancerre and curlywurlys
Itchy, I’ve missed all the US Open, who’s your money on in the final?
Nadal looks unbeatable so far. But. If anybody can do him Djoko can with his flat shots and big serve out to the lefty backhand.
Nadal beat Youzxny in 2 hours on sat afternoon (youzny beat the other swiss Wawrinka who I picked to run deep *ego* – he’s a got a great coach now, an ex-player called peter lungdren who now looks like he’s the same size as the big lotto winning dude in lost but is an expert coach – he coached Safin and I think Djoko too..deffo Safin.) Anyhow. Djoko beat Fed in 5 sets over 4 hours later that day/night but with the extra day of rest things have worked out for Djoko.
Nadal is my tennis equivalent of Rugby. He is everything that is wrong about the game. If I was in the interview room with him, first question from the floor
Hi Rafa. (Nice friendly intro but I puke with disdain) itchybollix, from cunt tennis players times, ireland. I have just one question. When are you going to stop picking your hole? It’s very rude to pick your hole in public. Everytime you serve. Thats at least 4 times a game. With your 60% 1st serve % average lets say 6 times a game. 6 games a set. In at least 3 sets. That’s at least 108 arse-picking moments in a match from you you filty cunt. So. when are you going to stop picking your hole in public?
fucks sake conan, sorry. i’ve gone left. siesta.
nadal. c’mon djoko. djoko. remind me to you about him
meanwhile HMs and The Arcade Fire’s doom message gathers momentum
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-south-asia-11280132
time for stout
no, otd, 3.45 on a monday is NOT time for stout. Will you all stop enabling him?
Nestle ruined Yorkies, the evil bastards. Rowntree clearly left out a secret ingredient when they sold (out) the recipe.
pinot & pizza
tennis? yawn
0. on the dry
September 13th, 2010 @ 3:45 pm
time for stout
hi otd. sorry I’m late. Pint?
Twenty I have the solution to yer dilemma. Don’t write- be a critic instead. Let the other langers sweat over the keyboard and just criticise what they do.
Works for some.
Joe Elliot is a cunt
Nadal has more tics than your average sheep shagger after a night on the flock. The hole picking is just one of them, he’s always fiddling with his drinks bottles as well.Djok is on the rise after a poor year last year so maybe he’ll do it.
Peadar… love all.
Oh good I’m not the only one who desperately wants one of these things as well!
Not by a long shot