… and the shocking punfest that’s going in the comments on the previous post, this is my favourite ever post on this blog. Originally posted nearly 5 years ago. 5 fuckin’ years. Jaysus.
—
Malachy Wong
It was a quiet night in Ron’s last night when all of a sudden the door opened and there was a distinct odour of sweet and sour sauce and monosodium glutamate. I looked up to see a Chinese man staring right at me. Normally this would have me reaching for my inside pocket. Not this time.
“TWINTY MAJORRR. HOW DE FECK ARE YE BOY?” he roared.
“Malachy Wong!” says I. “It’s been a long fucking time.”
“Dat it has ya langer. Now, are ya goin’ ta buy me a pint or am I goin’ ta have to do me kung-fu on ya like?”
So I bought him a pint and we got talking. Malachy Wong is a bloke me and Jimmy met in Cork one night we were down there for purely recreational purposes and not to put manners on some lad who had stolen a car Jimmy had stolen just an hour before. Feeling a bit peckish we stopped in at ‘The Golden Pond’ to grab a takeaway and Malachy was behind the counter. We asked him directions and being the kind and adventurous soul that he is he decided to follow us in case we got lost.
As it happened that was a good thing as the lad we were going down to talk to had four older brothers who were all built like fucking tanks. Jimmy hit one of them in the head with a piece of timber as thick as a government minister and he didn’t even flinch. As we retreated to our car to get out of there and come back another time there was a high-pitched shriek and in came Malachy and he Ju-Jitsued the shite out of all them.
“Tought ya might need a hand ya pair o gobshites”, he said and since then we’ve been firm friends. Fate brought us together and it was fate that brought his parents to Cork in 1962. They were heading for England to make a new life but the bloke that was smuggling them from the tip of France died and their boat drifted for days and days before it washed up in a little village called Baltimore. From there they made their way to the city and opened up the first Chinese takeaway in Ireland. As a tribute to the first man to help them onshore they named their first, and only, son ‘Malachy’.
“So what are you doing up here?” I asked him.
“Well, I need to get a copy of me birth cert so I thought I’d pay you a visit, boyo. How’s Jimmy?”
“Still a bollix, Malachy.”
“Ahh, some tings never change, eh? C’mere an’ I tell you though. Had a right laugh wit da young lad in the offices of Births, Deaths and Marriages. He made me fill out a form like, asking all kinds of shite like name, address, date of birth, and what ethnic group I belong to.”
“Right…”
“So I filled de feckin’ ting out and he calls me over and says ‘I tink you’ve got dis bit wrong here’. So I says ‘No, I don’t', and he says ‘I reckon ya do an’ all’ so I says ‘I’m telling ya I dooooon’t’. So he’s looking at me sorta biting his tongue and he says ‘Now I don’t wantcha ta tink dat I’m bein’ racist or nothin’ like dat, right, but there’s no way you’re white.’”
“He has a point, you know.”
“I know, ya spanner. Shut up. Anyway, I says ‘I am what I am and de box I’m after tickin’ is the one that applies to me’ so he says ‘Well, with the greatest respect an’ all I don’t tink it does’. So I pretend to be all aggravated and start swearin’ Chinese and runnin’ round the walls like Crouching Tiger Thingy Thingy. ‘Get yer supervisor in here. NOW!’ I shout so off he goes and a couple o’ minutes later in walks a fella with a big square jaw and curly hair.”
“Is that right?”
“It is. So he says ‘Mr Wong, I have discussed this case with my underling here and although you might think you’re white you’re not white so you can’t pick that box’ so I say ‘Is it dat you don’t want people like me in the same group as you? Is dat it?’ and he gets all flustered and says ‘No, no, no. Of course not. This is strictly in the interests of accuracy’ so I say ‘So you just want to categorise people and make sure dere’s no interbreeding because God forbid you might have a ginger child with slanty eyes running around Ireland ya bigoted shitehawk. I’m off to Dail Eireann to see my TD, so I am’.
“And?”
“So he says ‘Now I don’t think that’s necessary’ and I say ‘Don’t you tell me what’s necessary. My family has been delivering Wun Tun ta da Barry family for years and they’ve got some pull, let me feckin’ tell ya. I’m goin’ to the Daily Star and the Irish Sun and de Sunday Independent…’ – ‘NO! NOT THE SUNDAY INDEPENDENT’ he interrupts. ‘Look’ he says ‘I’m sure if you’re happy with the box you’ve ticked then we’re happy with the box you’ve ticked. Isn’t that right, O’Neill?’ and the first fella says ‘Sure, absolutely boss’ so I say ‘Right den, glad we’ve got it all sorted, lads’ and 10 minutes later I had me birth cert and I went down to Davy Byrnes for some oysters and a pint.”
“You’re some man for some man, Malachy”, I said. “So how does it feel to be white.”
He looked at me for a moment like I was a knacker’s turd.
“I’m not white at all, Twenty, ya clown. I’m a Cork Asian.”
shouldn’t have posted that again twenty. two wongs don’t make a wight
hah, not everyone’s been around as long as you, Porridge
Ha ha ha
should nip these puns in the bud, twenty. you know hm will be here soon…
Someone called?
and for my next trick…
I’ve just made myself the most motherfuckingly tasty club sandwich I’ve ever eaten.
did you take the chocolate off the club first or just launch the whole bar in?
I love club sandwiches. I don’t know why they’re called club sandwiches though and not triple decker delights, or something.
i think hustler have copyrighted the term “triple decker delight”. best sammidge is thick rashers on lightly toasted white brennans bread, butter melted in. mug of tea and a smoke after
Baltimore could do with a decent Chinese restaurant mind.
Its no good. ‘Cork Asian’. You absolute bastard.
We are not Worthy.
Twenty for Taoiseach or President or England Manager.
Or something else worth millions.
Keep the puns coming
The mao the merrier.
Jaysus… Nice one. Needs to be spoken word – any chance of a recording?
I wasn’t around the first time. deadly
Two Chinese people named Mr. and Mrs. Wong got married and had a child. They asked the nurse if they could see their child. The nurse brought their baby, and it was a white baby. The two of them said “But that’s a white baby, and we are Chinese and two Wongs don’t make a white.”
Anne,any good chinese in limerick?
Yea lots Crispy.
My favourite is Suc Mi Twat on O’Connell St.
mmmmm ver gud.
Come on down sometime.
Is there anything good in Limerick ?
Don’t start
“Is there anything good in Limerick ?”
road out of?
That’s better Twenty. Good on ya!
The next person that says stab city to me, I’ll shoot um.
in dublin. better have a good arm : )
http://www.knifethrowing.info/physics_of_knife_throwing.html
Don’t start
You’ve changed your tune – on a promise ?
Twenty’s coming to Limerick this weekend, aren’t you Twenty?! see you soon!!
No, but we had this ‘debate’ the other day.
Sigh – as you get older the old short term memory goes.
And I think we proved beyond all reasonable doubt that everyone from Limerick is a stabby cunt. With an Uzi.
Twenty I’m revoking my offer of being one of your mistresses.
And I’m telling Bock what you just said. He’ll sort you out.
“everyone from Limerick is a stabby cunt. With an Uzi.” gears of war2 – official game of the limerick tourist board
actually, more of a survial guide/city tour
damn beer
Angry Greta Garbo becomes Arsenal midfielder who also wants to be alone, so.
*stabs self before others can*
Bock’s recipe for a Swiss Roll;
1. Take one extra large Army Knife…
…etc.
I cannot forgive Limerick for Terry Wogan.
Just for you Anne
It never used to be famous for hijacking, though
I won’t hear a bad word said about Terry Wogan.
Self harm, Sniffle? You’re taking it too far.
“damn beer”
Don’t bother porridge, no alcohol.
This does though
HM Club Special.
Layer 1: Butter, Mayonnaise, Fresh Spinach, Organic Roast Chicken.
Layer 2: Butter, Mayonnaise, Avocado, Stuffing from the Roast Chicken.
Layer 3: Butter, Mayonnaise, Smoked Rashers straight from the grill, Port Salut Smoked Cheese.
Now THAT’S a sanggidge. Ladies, kindly take note.
Voll-Damm, absolute Knickerdropping cracking beer that. Had some in Spain a couple of years back. The wickidywitch had some and BINGO!!! Eyes down for a full house. I got a Silver Medal for my efforts.
Now I’d have thought your friend Malachy would have grown up in Wongford on the shores of Rough Lee.
Haha, I love de-punz and I hadn’t seen this one before.
Love a good pun.
Hate, hate, hate buttered sandwich bread.
Talk about unnecessary fat and calories.
Toast – burnt and bread too thin!
Be a man and neck a sausage soda!
Excellent!!
Is that the same Malachy Wong who had several children and named the fifth Dan, but it turned out he’d no interest in martial arts?
Twenty,
It’s Saturday night and I was in a good humour and now I’m in a great one after reading probably your funniest post ever. My missus may be gone to bed earlier, but she better look out cos I’m in a graet humour. Probably too pissed to get it up though….