Monthly Archives: April 2010
Drunk reading
Like many of you I’m fond of a couple of evening cocktails once the hour has come. After a long day it’s a nice way to relax. Some pints or a glass of wine or a G&T or a whiskey … Continue reading
The circle of beer
How to kickstart the Irish economy: Make sure the weather is warm. When the weather is warm people like to drink cool, refreshing drinks, like beer. So instead of sitting in watching TV they go out the pub and spend … Continue reading
Are you an adult or not an adult?
When you’re 18 you are legally an adult and you can do all the cool adulty things like vote, drink acohol (legally), be tried as an adult for the crimes you commit and so forth. Yet in this country it … Continue reading
Gardai and corruption
Is this story scaremongering or a reality we have to face? Thankfully my dealings with the Gardai have been few and far between (there’s a lot to be said for not getting caught) but you don’t have to scratch the … Continue reading
Dear the Gardai
I trust that you will arrest every single one of these twats for Aggravated Traffic Disruption or Grevious Motorly Harm if they block Dublin’s roads tomorrow. Or, like taxi drivers, will they be allowed engage in behaviour which would see … Continue reading
Dying is too expensive
Interesting piece in the Irish Times about how the cost of a funeral has increased over the last few years. When you think about it, the expense is ludicrous. Of course we all want to see our loved ones go … Continue reading
Religious hypocrites move the goalposts
Last week’s episode of South Park brought up a relatively controversial topic – the depiction of the prophet Mohammed. Since that Danish bloke drew those cartoons it’s been widely accepted that any physical representation of him is a bad thing, … Continue reading
This shall not stand
Irish worst binge drinkers in Europe, says official EU survey. Fuck off! We’re brilliant at it.
Dreaming like a goat
You know, no matter how much of my breakfast I give to Bastardface, he still sits there looking at me as if I’ve given him nothing. Just wanted to mention that. Today, however, I wish to discuss the awesome benefits … Continue reading
You know, no matter how much of my breakfast I give to Bastardface, he still sits there looking at me as if I’ve given him nothing.
Just wanted to mention that. Today, however, I wish to discuss the awesome benefits of cheese before bedtime. In an effort to maintain my physical status as a top level athlete, I have been forgoing the the wonderful spice burgers, battered sausages and chips from my local Italian named chipper.
Instead I will come home and eat cheese (and usually some kind of jamón too for a man needs his meat). I won’t bore you with the details of the cheeses but that old bit about how it makes you dream is as true as true can be. Since I started this cheese eating business I’ve been having the most wonderful, vivid, epic dreams.
I used dream in snatches (I said in, not of, pervert) and they were all terribly disjointed and confusing. Now, however, they’re like mini nighttime films. It’s brilliant. Last night I was in some Arab country and the police were hassling and threatening me. Such was my contempt for them as they spoke to me, scimitars and guns in their hands, I lay down, grabbed three red velvet cushions and pretended to go asleep against a pebble-dashed wall (who knew they had them in Arabia?).
This upset them greatly and there were threats of beheading me so to show them I was not a man to be trifled with I got up and started clotheslining people off their bikes as they cycled along. I say people but it was hundreds of the same man with a grey moustache carrying a small dog in the basket on the front of bike. After I’d clotheslined dozens of them and they lay on the ground weeping the police realised their mistake and let me be.
At which point I was transported to the top of a skyscraper and it was my job to push people off. These people were criminals and this was how they were executed. None of this lethal injection crap or botched electric chair jobs. Their name was called out, they walked to the edge of the building and I pushed them off. After a while I became quite flamboyant, doing Cruyff turns and then booting them in the arse to knock them off the side. Best executioner ever, so I was.
It was tremendous fun and my dreams have been like this for ages now. I highly recommend you follow suit. Is there anything more boring than sleep apart from Damien Rice? All you do is lie there and drool and then wake up. Now your sleep can be fun. Just cheese it up before you hit the sack, you won’t regret it.
M&S Cornish Cruncher with chillies is the best gear. I’ve got some if you want. Do it by the ounce though.