Alas poor, Twenty

So Dublin’s getting a new theatre, which is great if you like that kind of thing. Personally, I find plays intolerable. It’s like watching a crap film but without any vaguely redeeming special effects. I know, I’m a philistine etc etc, but every single play I have gone to has been ghastly. All one of them. I can’t remember what it was, like many before me I have consigned a traumatic experience to the far distant reaches of my mind. I fear that going to another play will cause flashbacks and post-traumatic having to watch actors disorder.

The other day I was walking up Grafton Street and some girl was bellowing like a rabid moose outside Bewleys. “LUNCHTIME THEATRE! ONLY €5! GET YOUR LUNCHTIME THEATRE”.

For me the idea of combining my lunchtime with theatre is utterly repellent. It’d be like having a great big chunk of Kobe beef then smearing it with Chef tomato ketchup. Lunchtime is for eating, perhaps reading a book or enjoying some pleasant conversation with a companion. It’s certainly not for sitting around having to listen to some actor or actress ‘emote’ in your face. And with all due respect, if lunchtime theatre is where you are displaying your ‘craft’ then I certainly don’t want to have to suffer it. I do not go to the Phoenix Park on a muddy Sunday if I want to watch quality football.

Anyway, I’m sure those that enjoy plays will enjoy this new theatre. Perhaps it will give some of these actors a bigger stage on which to perform and then get a small non-speaking part in a film with Brendan Gleeson in it.

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104 Responses to Alas poor, Twenty

  1. on the dry says:

    plays sooner pull a hedgehog trough the eye of me flute

  2. Git says:

    I went through a brief ‘theatre phase’ in my youth, and I’ll tell you one thing;
    You get to meet a lot of utter, utter cunts.
    The looks they give you as you’re knocking back the whiskeys during the break!

  3. The Cap'n says:

    Been a huge revival in theatre in London. Various commentators have been guessing as to the reason … some say its because TV is so shit and theatre is a relatively inexpensive night out compared to drinks and dinner.

    Some say its because people have become tired of musicals.

    I agree though that much of the theatre is very self-regarding, almost like opera in that there seems to be a course of intense reading you have to do before enjoying it.

    I agree I can’t bear most of what is on offer in theatreland- particularly ‘worthy’ plays detailing the immigrant experience and the nobility of being downtrodden etc.

    I think its like music- you have to find the trench you are happy to hunker down in and for me thats Beckett. Every word carved.

    I also like seeing what directors and writers can do to bend the rules of the theatre- playing with the medium. A lot of big stadium gigs are pure theatre.

    Different strokes.

  4. Twenty Major says:

    Fair enough, it’s just not my bag. I find being so close to actors acting a very uncomfortable experience.

    I went to an opera once too. It was grand as experience, the opera house was truly something special, but I wouldn’t go again.

  5. Holemaster says:

    Theatre I can take or leave. Musicals I detest with all my strength.

  6. Rt. Hon. Mr. Fink says:

    haha, too true Twenty. Fookin HATE theatre. Load of old bollix.

  7. Globetrotter says:

    If you think theatre is crap you should try the Ballet.

    Totally incomprehensible poncy bollocks.

  8. Medbh says:

    Lookit, I love going to the theatre to see a good production. But a program came in the post for the Grand Canal Theatre’s Spring/Summer season. Jesus Christ, it all looks awful. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, singing priests, The Rat Pack, some musical about Marilyn Monroe (a favourite in the beauty-must-die theme) and the worst may well be a stage version of When Harry Met Sally. Why can’t folks just rent the terrible movie instead? There’s also Fame and Hairspray listed in the back. All this shit is for folks that don’t often go to see a play.

  9. Conan Drumm says:

    I’m with Medbh. This new place is a strictly commercial arrangement for mostly foreign producer/promoters to put wedges of Irish money in their back pockets. A lot of the shows will be touring versions of West End/Broadway ‘hits’.

    It’ll take money out of the Irish theatre economy and make it even harder to finance original new Irish plays. So, better to spend €5 on lunchtime theatre than pouring €35+ down the alimentary Canal Theatre.

  10. The Cap'n says:

    Jesus Medbh thats a horrible line-up and only calculated to appeal to people who think theatre should be like Telly but ‘live’.

    Twenty’s comment about actors is very valid too- i think thhat some of them are acting on old rules such as projecting to the back of the theatre when with modern technology and accoustics there are very few theatres where you need to do that.

    Can look terribly hammy after the fine detail of a good bleak TV series full of close-ups and scenes with no dialogue.

    Still- if you go to see a play and in particular one man plays it still amazes me that a person can get a few hundred people to suspend disbelief and listen to them so deeply they forget the rumble of traffic from outside and the annoyances they brought with them from their lives.

    The thing is to be savage about avoiding ‘worthy’ theatre and only going when there is something that junps out at you as interesting.

    Political theatre is shite at the moment in my opinion- a series of turgid conscience pieces about war, the usual race ‘ishoos’ etc etc. There was a challenge issued by the Times I think last year for a writer to produce a right-wing play as plays and theatre is heavily leftwing in its approach.

    Volatile times favour volatile opinions I suppose and I bet there’ll be a raft of ‘end of the tiger’ plays and plays on other big issues soon from Irish writers I think.

    Theatre in Ireland should be at the forefront of whats happening politically- where’s the biting
    satire?

  11. divneymathers says:

    I like the theatre if there’s something good on but that Spring/Summer programme looks woeful.
    I prefer a good comedy and it doesn’t have to be biting satire either.
    The last thing I went to see was ‘The 39 Steps’, very entertaining with a cast of just three playing all the parts.

  12. Jo says:

    I like it in theory. Beckett, now, is always great.

    But sadly, lots of what I’ve been too was uncomfortably crappy.

    But when it’s good it’s mighty.

    HAving said that, I don’t go. But then, I don’t go anywhere…

  13. SuperGrover says:

    I think that’s the problem with theatre. Quality control.

    I used to work in theatre in Dublin for years (years ago) and found that a majority of it was godawful stuff. A good play requires everything to be absolutely perfect. Not easy.

    But, i will say, when it works, really works, there is nothing to compare to the spellbinding nature of it.

    The Grand Canal lineup sounds truly awful.

  14. Git says:

    Poor Twink will be turning in her grave listening to you lot.

    What do you mean ‘She’s not dead yet’?

  15. Dave The Sheep says:

    Went to a play once. Macbeth.

    Turned out to be an opera. In Russian. With Polish subtitles.

    This was the same night as Ireland’s return leg against France for the WC Qualifier.

    In retrospect, I probably enjoyed the opera more than the footie.

  16. maggot says:

    Scarred for life by a crappy production of one of the Bard’s efforts when at School – supposed to help us with O level to see it – bad acting, a lot of prompting and in the fight scene the crappy swords bent and they carried on while we all tried not to laugh – not out of respect but because we knew the English teacher would kick the shit out of us.

    Why can they not do theatre of porn ?

  17. Git says:

    Thinking about some voluntary audience participation there maggot?
    Yourself and a couple of thespians perhaps?

  18. maggot says:

    Would rejuvenate tourism Git!

  19. fill3rup says:

    I went to see “The Field” years ago in the Hawkswell Theatre in Sligo,it was fantastic..

    I used to go quite alot when i was a kid as my bro worked in the Gaiety as an usher and could get comps,so alot of tosh and a lot of good stuff,SG is correct in that an awful lot of things have to go right in order for it to work..

    The lineup for that new place sickens me..

  20. Git says:

    I remember seeing Amadeus in The Abbey before it was made into a movie and thinking it was good.
    The music in it was a load of wank though.

  21. Git says:

    Also, the guy playing the lead part didn’t even have an American accent!

  22. Sniffle says:

    There’s more to football than quality.

  23. itchybollix says:

    theatre rocks.

    we’re going to see a play which I’m positive was written about me, well, written about my head, next week

    plus, you can pre-order your interval drinks, much more civilised than my local. but my local was like a zoo last night so , ye get the gist. don’t diss it twenty; it’s one of the few things we’re proficient at.

    plus you get people like Dermot Desmond sitting in front of you. You can pull a bogey out of your nostrils and rub it on his back. it’s not everyday you get to do things like that. actors are generally good heads too. as are the production people. both are usually boozy stoners

    http://www.gaietytheatre.ie/index.php/whats-on-buy-tickets/calendar/philadelphia-here-i-come/290

  24. maggot says:

    How is the mater today Itchy ? Well I hope?

  25. Holemaster says:

    Where the fuck is Peadar these days?

  26. fill3rup says:

    Busy day bustin heads yesterday,the cells were full lastnight so id say he’s havin a well deserved donut somewhere..

  27. Holemaster says:

    Jesus Christ he’s not is he?

  28. itchybollix says:

    heh filler

    It’s beaumont maggot and it’s still the same. What pisses me off is the lack of logic in state run groups. HM posted last night that pearse street cops were strolling around taking booze off people. That just pisses people off and in a cost/benefit analysis causes agravation. Same in hospitals, no logic shown by staff.

    He is a cunt but like eoghan harris, once, i’m agreeing with him

    http://www.independent.ie/opinion/columnists/kevin-myers/kevin-myers-for-the-love-of-god-and-his-blessed-disciple–st-patrick-displace-me-from-this-wretched-isle-2101159.html

  29. maggot says:

    Well, I’m rooting for her Itchy.

    Enough civilised behaviour – enjoyed the KM piece – has Twenty been ghost writing again …. or could he be …

  30. Holemaster says:

    Not a bad piece by Myers. A thought occurred to me on reading it. Decentralization of Government departments actually drove some of the regional house building on a promise of people coming from Dublin. Kanturk in Co. Cork is a case in point. Loads of houses built for a bunch of civil servants who never arrived.

  31. maggot says:

    He’s also written this

    http://tinyurl.com/ydx4mhz

  32. Looks like I missed the boat on the theatre piece. What I can’t work out is why so many of them are filled with musical revivals. If I couldn’t stand Abba thirty years ago, I’m fucked if I am going to pay good money to watch some drama school luvvies pretending to be Swedish cunts now.

    What happened to proper plays and musicals? West Side Story, South Pacific, Madonna’s clunge in record breaking bang attempt, and the like.

  33. dessiegee says:

    “One Night in Istanbul” is on in early June – Should be a good one for all those Liverpool fans…

    Rest of the line up looks pretty crap – Looks like the target market is the “Baby boomers” and not “Generation X”

  34. The Cap'n says:

    silly old sod;Looks like I missed the boat on the theatre piece. What I can’t work out is why so many of them are filled with musical revivals.’

    Agree there too … for a number of years the best theatres in London were jammed with Andrew Lloyd Webber crap. I loathe musicals as it never seems to make sense to me to get into a story and the have some fucker warble repeated lines for no damn good reason. Its just an interruption to the drama and I’m convinced that it was only popular because of a drop in general attention span caused by fastmoving TV drama.

    However there seems to be a weariness now with musicals and theatre is definitely on the rise in London- attendance and bums-on-seats figures are way up.

    If only the content was better. Morpurgo’s War Horse is massive now and transferring to Broadway whereas Lloyd-Webbers Phart of Phantom is getting slated by the critics and is looking less than likely for a long run.

    Clear them feckin’ boards….

    What happened to proper plays and musicals? West Side Story, South Pacific, Madonna’s clunge in record breaking bang attempt, and the like.

  35. The Cap'n says:

    Oh dear- sorry silly old sod I have adopted one of your paras on the end of my post above in error. Don’t sue for plagiarism …(!)

  36. Conan Drumm says:

    To pick up on the title…

    Stinking Pete: A pestilence on him for a mad rogue! ‘a pour’d a flagon of Absinthe on my head once. This same skull, sir, was, sir, Twenty’s skull, the King’s jester.

    Ron: This? [Takes the skull]

    Stinking Pete: E’en that.

    Ron: Alas, poor Twenty! I knew him, Lucky, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his back a thousand times, and now how abhorr’d in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft…

    [Shakespeare, 'Ron - Vintner of Ireland']

    All the world’s a stage…

  37. Holemaster says:

    Hah

  38. Twenty Major says:

    heh, Conan. Marvelous.

    What was the play they were advertising last week? About a Celtic fan and a Rangers fan locked in a cell together on Old Firm derby day. The only way that play would be any good is if they both spent 90 minutes beating each other to death – stopping only for a the occasional bifter and a slug from their 2 litres of Linden Village.

  39. on the dry says:

    a pain in the hole with no work to do

  40. Walter Ego says:

    So, nobody’ll be going to see “I’m No A Billy, He’s A Tim” then?

  41. fill3rup says:

    It was called “I’m no a Billy,he’s a Tim!”

    I’d say its hilarious..

    I love to destroy everyone involved in the Radio Marketing of said Theatrical Turd…

  42. maggot says:

    The Hole In The Wall Gang should be Crucified on stage. I’d pay to watch .

  43. SuperGrover says:

    Yeah, Maggot, they are sooo bad it’s unreal.

  44. Twenty Major says:

    So, nobody’ll be going to see “I’m No A Billy, He’s A Tim” then?

    That’s the one. I wouldn’t even go see that if my name was TimBilly Billytimson and my mere presence there caused some kind of vortex

  45. Holemaster says:

    I am posting this while sitting on the jacks. iPhones are so handy.

  46. Lafsword says:

    I went out with a very weird girl from Wales once because she told me she was a Thespian, she invited me to spend an evening with her and her Thespian friends.

    Perhaps it was her strong Welsh accent but I misheard / misunderstood the thespian bit, certainly didn’t expect to have to pay to see some fucking play about coal mining in the valleys in a shithole theatre in Wrexham. I’ve hated the cunting theatre ever since & as for opera & ballet, well there are not the required words in the English language.

  47. SAm crea says:

    About every six months I like to see a bit of live theatre… The last thing was Tom Crean Antartic explorer which was very good… Saw an amateur production of the plough and the stars last summer which was brilliant… The people in theatre audiences are not always the kinds you want to be making eye contact with…
    Havent tried beckett yet…

  48. Lafsword says:

    “I’m No A Billy, He’s A Tim”

    I fucking shake with anger if I even see a cunting Celtic Jersey in a shop, Rangers are cunts too & for that matter so are Liverpool & Shamrock Rovers’ all just exist to allow knackers cloth themselves in something new every year.

  49. The Cap'n says:

    Hey Lafsword, I know the Little Theatre in Wrexham and saw a very good production there some years back. Better acting than I’ve seen on a number of West End stages.

    I suppose its a bit like people saying whether they like whiskey or not. Some people will say they’ve tried it and hated it (invariably a cheap nasty brand) and others will take to it (those who try a good single malt).

    Its very difficult to get a play which a group of people will all enjoy … Dario Fo, Neil Simon or Alan Bennet for English audiences.

    Trouble is that small local theatres have to attract funding and here in the UK that means the Arts Council. The Arts Council is one of those quangos which insists on ‘worthy’ plays re diversity, self-laceration on immigration and making sure lesbians are agreed with at all times.

    I’d like to see some small theatres move away from worthy and heavily-laden political and social messaging towards a staging of classic comedies and farces …why can’t small theatres adapt something like ‘The Odd Couple’ fore example?

  50. cunt says:

    You really are becoming an awful cunt.

  51. The Cap'n says:

    Sorry, yes. I forgot I was on an Irish blog. Normal service to be resumed;

    ‘Where’s my bail out? … The poor oul’ church … what’ll I get if’n I vote for ‘oo?’… etc etc.

    is that better?

  52. The Cap'n says:

    Sorry, I was forgetting that some Irish peasants only speak Rasher and regard any conversation with words above two syllables as ‘intellectual’.

    Now fuck off back to your bog.

  53. maggot says:

    I had a good lunch.

  54. JJ Celery says:

    There was a time in my life when I was attending theatre, philharmony and the opera.

    If it’s bad, I just walk out. At least that sends a message to the actors and they have a chance of improvement.

  55. SuperGrover says:

    I too had a good lunch… Chinese pork and cabbage dumplings with a dressing of black vinegar, sesame oil and chillis.

    Nice.

  56. Holemaster says:

    I had sweet potato soup and a ploughman’s from the very flirtatious and sexy American girl in my local deli.

  57. Twenty Major says:

    What about throwing fruit, JJ? That’s another good way of telling them to improve.

    A ploughman’s pickle, HM?

  58. Holemaster says:

    …and a double decker

  59. Holemaster says:

    That’s the one Twenty. Tasty.

  60. maggot says:

    Mint Viscounts, they are the lads HM. If desperate though mint kitkats

  61. maggot says:

    Heh – just heard back from the Archdiocese

    ” With regard to your recent e-mail, I wish to assure you that, along with the many other e-mails of support and of criticism received today, it has been left for Cardinal Brady’s attention.

    Yours sincerely, “

  62. Twenty Major says:

    Standard response.

  63. JJ Celery says:

    Twenty, I prefer to eat the fruit, at least that way I will have fed my body even if the soul is starved.

  64. maggot says:

    Is sending obscene e mails a criminal offence ?

  65. on the dry says:

    time for stout bye all

  66. The Cap'n says:

    maggot … I got the same from the automated responder.

    I like the bit about messages of SUPPORT and criticism.

    What sort of cunt would email a Cardinal involved in the cover up of Brendan Smyth’s activities?

    Maybe everyone should email back and ask how many emails of support the dodgy Cardinal has received and how many criticising him?

    Although with ‘mental reservation’ how the fuck could you believe any statement out of these poxy witchdoctors?

  67. The Cap'n says:

    I had brie and cranberry sandwiches and a chocolate doughnut.

    Oh. And a ‘tin’ of coca-cola.

  68. maggot says:

    What sort of cunt would email a Cardinal involved in the cover up of Brendan Smyth’s activities?

    Ratzinger
    Law
    Hegarty

  69. The Cap'n says:

    It just shows that these fuckers are getting PR advice which means they consider it to be a PR problem.

    I noticed that journos looking for statements the other day were referred to a PR agency.

    Mad old twisted cunts.

  70. Holemaster says:

    Maggot if you’re sending an obscene e-mail, do it from a http://www.mailinator.com address and someone else’s ‘puter.

  71. The Cap'n says:

    Does that mean I made a mistake telling Sean Brady it isn’t resignation he should be considering but if he had any balls left he’d sit down in a room with a revolver?

    Oh no.

  72. itchybollix says:

    I had a croissant.

    The sound of silence from the goverenment, Taoiseach Cowen, Tanaiste Coughlan, Social & Family Affairs Hanafin;Finance Minister Lenehin, Justice Minister Ahern, Schools Minister O’Keefe
    has been deafening. Note all the above are religioussy types. And the sound of silence from our unelected president?

    Unbelievable. Labour is calling for a police enquiry on obstruction of justice grounds; what does the Minister for Justice think?

    Gerry Ryan giving out about head-shops, giving out about priests, comes to fianna fail cunts blowing wads of cash in vietnam and it’s no problemo. Double, doubley double standard gerry ryan cunt. A cnunct

  73. Holemaster says:

    Gerry Ryan is part of the game Itchy. We’re all being fooled on a daily basis.

  74. itchybollix says:

    Holemaster Says:
    March 18th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
    Fitzpatrick arrested:

    http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2010/0318/breaking25.html

    I’d say he did the “pick a spot on the wall” routine. He’ll be home in time for a late dinner.

  75. Conan Drumm says:

    Itchy, I’d say you’re right. A spot on the wall and a bit of LaLAlalaLalaLalaing with a solicitor in attendance.

  76. itchybollix says:

    Conan Drumm Says:
    March 18th, 2010 at 6:24 pm
    Itchy, I’d say you’re right. A spot on the wall and a bit of LaLAlalaLalaLalaing with a solicitor in attendance

    A solicitor like Brian Cowen, Brian Lenehin – barrister, Willie O’Dea, Dermot Ahern…

    puh

  77. maggot says:

    Come the revolution all lawyers will be for the guillotine.

  78. Conan Drumm says:

    Itchy, the Garda have extended their hospitality to Seanie… or maybe they’re trying to sort out a few mortgage issues….wait, yes I’ve got it, coming soon to a cinema near you…

    The Mountjoy Redemption

    Tim Robbins IS Sean FitzPatrick
    etcetera

  79. Holemaster says:

    His period of detention has been extended by 12 hours. I wonder if he’s squealing.

  80. itchybollix says:

    The Board of Irish Life and Permanent will be getting nervous but it’ll all come to nothing like the fyffes/dcc share dealing thing came to nothing. white collar crime? rich? keep your house, don’t go to jail. petty criminal? poor? jail

    http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSN1032145320090210

  81. itchybollix says:

    I gave the review up after 2 minutes kitteh. The game reviews I’ve heard on the radio, and the one twenty posted, and the one you’ve linked tell me that games, and this game in particluar are now trying to be high-brow, intellectual. fuck that shit. it’s a fucking game

  82. Drunk Kitteh says:

    Broad, sweeping statements are usually wrong. Sure, pretentious shite like this isn’t nice, but there are plenty of games that are very enjoyable without being pretentious in any way. Just try and look for the ones that are right for you. :-)

  83. Drunk Kitteh says:

    “aren’t nice”, what the fuck… I really shouldn’t type while someone else in the room is talking to me.

  84. itchybollix says:

    My broad sweeping statements are usually right. Even when I’m wrong I’m right. And when I change my mind and say the exact opposite of what I said a moment before I’m right.

    Broad is the new precise.

  85. itchybollix says:

    artists impression of police interviewing arrested banker

    http://i43.tinypic.com/2gufrr4.jpg

  86. itchybollix says:

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/ni/2010/03/monsignor_dooley_gets_his_wing.html

    i had a feeling the vatican would get the message to him to shut the fuck up

  87. maggot says:

    The Gardai can move quick enough when it suits them!

    http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2010/0318/breaking49.html

  88. itchybollix says:

    Yep. The timing of the fitzpatrick questioning is good. Anglo report out next; first trench of the thing which will bust the country, NAMA, coming down the line. Keep the masses happy.

    The Sargent thing was quick; let’s see (a) what happens and (b) how quick the willie o’dea investigation hpoes.

    There was a report out last week on the death in custody of terrence whealock. No cop lost their job for dereliction of duty that night. as I said earlier; only the poor go to jail in this country in this country. Lists of tax defaulters running to millions of pounds and not one of them went to jail. Steal a car? jail.

  89. Twenty Major says:

    Clearly the government have investigated Sean Fitz thoroughly, decided he doesn’t have anything that incriminating on them and had him arrested.

  90. Holemaster says:

    It’s all in the game yo.

  91. itchybollix says:

    That’s a very cynical and jaundiced view twenty. I’m surprised at you.

  92. Twenty Major says:

    It’s all in the game yo.

    You got the briefcase, I’ve got the unsecured millions in personal loans from my own bank.

    heh, Itchy

  93. maggot says:

    Coincidence the arrest made while the Gov’t out of the country ? I wonder if the buggers have visited any banks on their travels.

  94. cutsilk says:

    hehehe…groucho says “I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.”

  95. Peadar says:

    The last play I was at was othello, when i was preparing for the leaving cert. It beat listening to our stupid bitch of teacher trying to explain it.

    I haven’t been since

  96. deYank says:

    http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-ireland-head-shops18-2010mar18,0,2766345.story

    I taught ye might find dis of interest now so i did. now I’m going to fuck off back to me hood

  97. Mint KitKats? Isn’t there a recession on? Jesus on the telephone, no wonder the world is on its knees if our tastes are now running to Mint KitKats!

  98. maggot says:

    The chunky ones are far superior.

  99. fill3rup says:

    The last play I was at was othello

    Did the locals go off the head when they saw a Black lad on the stage?

    “The Moors are invading!”they might have screamed..

  100. Holemaster says:

    I was on stage once in the Tivoli. Pat Shortt dragged me up on stage.

  101. fill3rup says:

    Yeah,Jon Kenny is pretty shit alright..

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