The perfect house should have:
- A moat filled with piranha and a drawbridge made from balsa wood (and obviously a secret entrance)
- A football pitch in the grounds with slaves in goal so you can go and blast shots at them when you feel like it
- A large kitchen with all the stuff you would ever need to cook, drink or drink and cook at the same time
- A butler, a housekeeper and maintenance staff
- A dungeon for holding people captive
- A dungeon master for administering all dungeon related activities
- A gadgets room filled with all the hi-tech stuff in the world and also from Japan
- A music room in which one can play one’s favourite tunes through state of the art hi-fi equipment
- A turret and a sniper rifle
- Guard dogs/lions/panthers
- A laboratory
- A room which is just a shower
- A throne shaped toilet with a large flat screen TV on the wall opposite on which one can play PS3/xBox while pooing
- Quadruple glazing
- An artificial summer area out back with sun, warmth and year round barbecue food
- A swimming pool in the shape of a swimming pool
- A fully fitted gym to never use
- A basselope
I’ve checked daft.ie but so far I’ve been more than disappointed, let me tell you
These are all good things but more essential than any of these is a big mucky field with diggers and excavators and the like specially modified with evil attachments for playing JCB wars when your mates are around.
Oh, also Asteroids and PacMan machines, just like in Silver Spoons.
I figured that’d be covered in the gadgets room. Had forgotten Silver Spoons, a room full of arcade machines was about the coolest thing I could of back then.
Mugabe’s House should be up for grabs soon when the syphylis finally takes him…
Location, Location, Location, Fill.
Yes but think of the sunshine..and all the AIDS you can eat..
“…a room full of arcade machines was about the coolest thing I could of back then.”
Yeah, I couldn’t fathom the sheer luxury of it all. Like life would be perfect if you had that.
I also used to wonder were they coin op, and would you have a bag of tenpences that you’d keep recycling.
Tempting, Fill, but just not quite enough.
SG – yeah, I always just assumed you had the key and could take the coins back out of the machines.
Where’s the fecking bedroom, do you not shag or sleep?
have you looked around the border area twenty? there’s many the profiteer and smuggler who’ve built just such residences but have fallen foul of CAB/hard times recently.
does turret with sniper rifle cover machine gun nest?
May I add extra closets, a built-in hair salon and a massage staff at the ready? And don’t forget the room made entirely of bookshelves.
When (not if, by the way) I win the EuroMillions thingy, I’ll be getting these lads in to build my gaff. Saw them on a programme one time. Amazing gaffs, German design and efficiency. Pricey, though…
http://www.huf-haus.com/de/intro.html
heh, Div. With all that cool stuff in the house who needs sleep?
Medbh – the closets I can live without. The bookshelf room was a horrendous oversight.
Bar with bar man!
You might be able to procure ron’s services!
A rant room with Charlie Brooker on standby for mutual general ranting evenings over a nice bottle of Armagnac.
Bunk beds would be cool. I never had them.
One can only dream…
It will have to be beside the see Twenty so you can Moor the Yatch at the bottom of the garden..
and by see,I of course meant Sea,,
and by yatch you meant…?
You are stuck with Neverland then.
Im having a mid-week typing crisis SG..
China Crisis, eh?
Are we believing black man Ray…
That’s Derek Forbes’s house you’ve just described. Except for the carrot cake.
The basselope looks like it might blow up your perfect house by mistake. A rottelope might be better.
The turret and sniper rifle got me thinking about who would get my six bullets. Came up with the following…
Jordan
Lucy Kennedy
Jim White (hyperbolic Sky Sports News anchor)
Katherine Lynch
Sam Allardyce
Quentin Fottrell (Regular guest on ‘The View,’ chosen just ahead of the equally reprehensible Kevin Gildea)
Radge, if it’s Jordan, aim for the head.
What about a Romper room?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shankill_Butchers
Waddya want a dungeon master for? Why give someone else all the fun?
Holemaster, if you want to snuff Jordan out, the head is probably the last place you should be aiming…
20, how about a bit of good ol’ fashioned medieval fun…a stocks and a big pile of rotten turnips and bertie ahern and his shower of pricks
There would be ample room in the grounds for things like stocks, they’re not essential.
Grandad – you can’t be torturing and putting people on the rack all day. The Dungeon Master is there to ensure things run smoothly, and painfully, in one’s absence.
Radge – is Katherine Lynch the comedian one?
Ah! So he’s only a deputy? That’s OK. I thought you were slipping there for a moment.
Never fear but outsourcing is all the rage the days. Keeps the hands cleaner too.
You’ll also need a wriggle room.
Yeah. I caught roughly 128 seconds of her show on RTE last night. I’ve never been drawn so quickly to anger by anything.
Not even Andrea Dossena?
Granted.
A hammock Twenty. Simple, but no dream house would be complete without one.
I once dozed off in a hammock on a sunny rooftop, letting a paperback lower slowly to my chest while good music was playing in the background. It was just one of those perfect moments. As vice-less pleasures go, nodding off in a hammock has to be right up there with popping bubblewrap.
surely a wii would be more appropraite for the throne ?
I know it sounds cheesy but why not have the dungeon master (if overtime is an option) chase people with a chainsaw around a huge hedge maze in the garden, I suppose you could throw in the lions and panthers too just for special occasions. It’d be great for getting rid of knackers trying to sell you useless stuff or cut your grass, or those annoying FF and SINN FEIN cunts desperately trying to get you vote by lying through their teeth…If they can actually make it to your door through the maze of chainsaw weilding dungeon masters, Lions, Panthers and death traps I might consider voting for them…but probably not. man I hope I never actually win the lotto, too much spare time as it is.
Eoghan Harris accepts dinner invitation to Twenty Towers and Like Jimmy Hoffa is never seen again.
The perfect house needs the perfect selection of cars.
1. 1968 Merc coupé
2. Lancia Delta HF Integralé
3. Original Mini Cooper
4. Land Rover
5. Citroen DS
And several mistresses HM
As a kid I used to Dream of owning a Lancia Delta Integralé.. I still do..
I’d like a really nice hotel and I’d advertise at really spendidly low rates. And then stand behind the reception desk telling people to fuck off if I didn’t like them.
The hotel would be empty most nights which would be grand because then I could order room service for myself.
With Martine McCutcheon and Billie Piper in French Maids outfits.
I see you like them with a bit of substance maggot. Unlike your politics!
Cheeky cunt.
Martine McCutcheon has that bawdy wench English ale room tart physique going on. Not sure about Billie Piper though.
I’m at that difficult age HM
Hell, I even lust after Lily Allen FFS
She’s a skag.
I normally prefer my women slim and neat but I’d happily iron Lily Allen’s cellulite with my tongue.
Provided she promised not to sing.
Ever.
Lily Allen is an upmarket Jade Goody
I’d want a 20 foot wide bed so I could roll over every hour or so onto a cool pillow. Warm pillows suck. Or maybe a pillow with a built in cooling device. Maybe they already exist.
I’d ride catherine lynch so i would
May I suggest reading this list and implementing the parts pretaining to residence:
http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
Needs an aspidistra
needs a supercomputer like in Superman III
Who is catherine lynch ?
Every playboy needs a helicopter to compliment his fleet of mechanically propelled vehicles, I’d try the Buy and Sell first before Ebay.
Why not go the whole hog and install a revovling poolside bar in the bedroom, a mechanical bull would be cool too.
P.S. Don’t forget to do the Euromillions this Friday. It could be you and you could indulge in ‘me baby you nurse’ fantasies like the eejit on the TV add. Is that where all the nurses have gone from the Healthcare system, pampering rich cunts with nurse fetishes ?
I used to cohabit with a nurse. Those were the days.
Where’s the Strippers Pole – Only a gay house would be perfect with a dungeon and no stripper pole….
I can think of waaay funner things to do with the dungeon.