Ban, Joe

As I was meddling over a pun involving flightless Australian birds and a semi-circular blade for cutting grain resulting in a ‘emu sickle instrument’, I realised I wouldn’t mind learning how to play something.

Guitar is my first thought but I have a great fear of being mistaken for one of those people who thinks it’s ok to take out their acoustic at a party and try and make people sing. Piano, no, too big – although it would be kinda awesome. Banjo reminds me too much about a story Jimmy tells about a night with a nurse from Longford a snapped string.

Any recommendations? How easy is it to find someone to give tuba lessons in Dublin?

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45 Responses to Ban, Joe

  1. Medbh says:

    Drummers are cunts.
    Don’t pick that instrument.

  2. Twenty Major says:

    That’s not really musical though, is it? It’s just bashing things with sticks. Like the KKK do.

  3. Ulick McGee says:

    Didgeridoo Twenty that way you can club the cunts who dont like it

  4. Ulick McGee says:

    You and Rolf Harris could duet I’d happily illegally download that

  5. Scratcher says:

    Oh come on, this is easy! The Tin Whistle of course! Easy to learn, cheap, you can bring it with you anywhere and it can be used as a weapon of sorts.

  6. TEN PARK DRIVE says:

    How mabout the Jews harp ?

  7. Ardbri says:

    how about the kiddy fiddle, your local church hall should be able to help you out with some group lessons

  8. Grandad says:

    Take up a pint of Double Bass.

    Bertie will love ya!

  9. maggot says:

    Comb and a bit of paper as a gateway to the Harmonica. You would make a great Larry Adler.
    I think you look a bit like him – here he is with Uri.

    Larry-Adler.jpg

  10. Damien says:

    The aul snapping of the banjo string is enough to turn anyone of off learning any instrument for ever.. The Double Bass is your only man!

  11. itchybollix says:

    I recommend this. I wasted lots of time with it; any eejit can master it.

    http://i48.tinypic.com/2ywu2hl.jpg

  12. Twenty Major says:

    I used to have one of those. Awesome.

  13. Jo says:

    Hurdy gurdy?

  14. DD says:

    Learn the trumpet, it only has 3 buttons.

    Life’s too short to learn the sax.

  15. maggot says:

    Besides, Twenty has a surfeit of sax appeal.

  16. Crank says:

    Seriously, Twenty, if you haven’t learnt to play anything by now, it probably won’t happen.

    Stick to the skin flute.

  17. maggot says:

    Stick to the skin flute.

    He has servants for that. No, wait, that’s Prince Charles.

  18. Loco Lobo says:

    A hurdy gurdy means that you have to get a monkey. If you get a female monkey people will talk about you and the monkey. If you get a male monkey people will talk about you and the monkey. You’ll have to buy a license for the monkey, pay vet bills, buy medicine, feed it and put the fucker up. If you don’t get a good return on your investment you go broke and find yourself out on the street and the monkey is in a warm cage in a zoo. Walking around with a tuba will get you laughed at or put away. Go with the bones or the spoons and no one will bother to ask you to play anything. You can sit in your parlor and play for Bastard face and Throatripper. And hope that they don’t go after you. After all, love can only tolerate so much.

  19. jamesy says:

    The Trihornophone.

    You’d corner the market and get all the gigs.

  20. maggot says:

    Vets are cheap Loco – I know one that will do anything for 20 Richmond Menthol.

  21. Maxi Cane says:

    Shit, the skin flute joke has been done.

    The triangle? The Kazoo?

    You could learn the Harmonica and join that cunt who always shows up with his guitar.

  22. SuperGrover says:

    “Guitar is my first thought but I have a great fear of being mistaken for one of those people who thinks it’s ok to take out their acoustic at a party and try and make people sing. Piano, no, too big – although it would be kinda awesome.”

    Seriously, forget it. If these concerns are more important to you than the music or the instrument itself, you’re bollixed.

    Oh, don’t go near a fuckin’ didgeridoo. They’re stupid fuckin’ things and should be rammed up the hole of any prick who busks them in my face, the cunts.

  23. The accordion – because having friends is overrated.

    tumblr_kr3lcaxBn91qzt71so1_400.gif

  24. SuperGrover says:

    I sort of like the accordian. That Parisian lilt. Nice.

  25. Speewah says:

    Tuba is a go! Then you could get this job….. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0aIqx1McVI

  26. Well there are accordions and accordions SG.
    You can’t really compare a sexy tango played on a Bandoneon by a black-clad, sultry, slim Argentina called Consuelo to a horsey jig played at a ceili by a big frumpy girl in an lumpy Arran jumper and kilt with a hairclip and moustache called Brigit.

  27. Fat Sparrow says:

    A musical instrument? Are you not already getting your hole?

  28. itchybollix says:

    Lung the Younger Says:
    January 29th, 2010 at 8:41 am
    The accordion – because having friends is overrated.

    “The definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordian but deosn’t.”

    Novel – Mr American
    Author – George MacDonald Fraser

  29. Todd says:

    Mandolin is probably the easiest, most portable and least offensive instrument for an adult to learn, especially for diddly-aye stuff.

    Flute and violin are excellent instruments but it takes a long time before you produce a good sound out of them. Much patience and hard work required.

  30. noddy says:

    A lively reel on the bagpipes in Ron’s bar would get them talking.
    About how to get rid of you.

  31. miles o'tool says:

    Accordians should be reclassified as weapons of mass destruction. Working in a shop listening to Romanian beggars “playing” the accordian for hours at a time. Amnesty International would have a fit if a terrorist had to listen to shit like that in Guantanamo.

    Got some fake business cards printed (thank you Vistaprint) for music lessons, I drop them in the accordian box passing by. You get to hear some lovely words when the cunts pick them up.

  32. Twenty Major says:

    Accordions are for cunts. And I would definitely follow porkers around if I had a tuba. I think that’s swung it for me. Cheers, Speewah.

  33. SuperGrover says:

    haha, that stewie clip is great.

  34. SuperGrover says:

    “Well there are accordions and accordions SG…”

    Fair point.

  35. Fill3rup says:

    Im Grade 8 on the Hairy Banjo…

  36. maggot says:

    Taj Mahal the blues guy has a couple of albums featuring Tuba.

  37. warhammer says:

    try the flesh fiddle
    all you need is a long sharp butchers knife
    and some cunts neck

  38. paulo1 says:

    How on earth did Lung find out the name of that girls moustache? Good sleuthing sir, my hat’s off to you.

  39. cutsilk says:

    go for the piano Twenty!!!!I have one and can spend hours happily tinkling,though I have only a basic ability.I think you should think about what sort of music you want to play,and then decide.

  40. Mosheen says:

    In every picture of Uri Geller I’ve ever seen the cunt is trying to hypnotize the photographer

  41. The Mowl says:

    Store up on loads of old dogfood, catfood, soup & baked beans cans.

    Stack ‘em up on the coffee table there.

    Utilise a pair of manky auld chopsticks.

    Learn your neighbours good AND get with your funky self.

  42. divneymathers says:

    Just get one of these and plug it into the USB of your computer.
    It’ll work great with the GarageBand software that came free with your Mac, they’re cheap and good fun. It’s a start at least and a lot better than a Stylophone

    http://www.m-audio.com/products/en_us/KeyRig49.html

  43. MiamiDonkey says:

    Mandolin, though they are very hard on the fingers. Or just get a classical guitar and learn Spanish music, then you couldn’t be misconstrued as an ‘indie’ eejit. And besidea, Spanish music is awesome:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08qLjUAhdNw

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