Ban, Joe
Posted on | January 28, 2010 | 45 Comments
As I was meddling over a pun involving flightless Australian birds and a semi-circular blade for cutting grain resulting in a ‘emu sickle instrument’, I realised I wouldn’t mind learning how to play something.
Guitar is my first thought but I have a great fear of being mistaken for one of those people who thinks it’s ok to take out their acoustic at a party and try and make people sing. Piano, no, too big – although it would be kinda awesome. Banjo reminds me too much about a story Jimmy tells about a night with a nurse from Longford a snapped string.
Any recommendations? How easy is it to find someone to give tuba lessons in Dublin?
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45 Responses to “Ban, Joe”
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January 28th, 2010 @ 5:41 pm
Drummers are cunts.
Don’t pick that instrument.
January 28th, 2010 @ 5:43 pm
That’s not really musical though, is it? It’s just bashing things with sticks. Like the KKK do.
January 28th, 2010 @ 5:43 pm
Didgeridoo Twenty that way you can club the cunts who dont like it
January 28th, 2010 @ 5:47 pm
You and Rolf Harris could duet I’d happily illegally download that
January 28th, 2010 @ 5:53 pm
Oh come on, this is easy! The Tin Whistle of course! Easy to learn, cheap, you can bring it with you anywhere and it can be used as a weapon of sorts.
January 28th, 2010 @ 6:08 pm
How mabout the Jews harp ?
January 28th, 2010 @ 6:15 pm
how about the kiddy fiddle, your local church hall should be able to help you out with some group lessons
January 28th, 2010 @ 6:19 pm
Take up a pint of Double Bass.
Bertie will love ya!
January 28th, 2010 @ 6:23 pm
Comb and a bit of paper as a gateway to the Harmonica. You would make a great Larry Adler.
I think you look a bit like him – here he is with Uri.
January 28th, 2010 @ 6:24 pm
The aul snapping of the banjo string is enough to turn anyone of off learning any instrument for ever.. The Double Bass is your only man!
January 28th, 2010 @ 7:19 pm
I recommend this. I wasted lots of time with it; any eejit can master it.
http://i48.tinypic.com/2ywu2hl.jpg
January 28th, 2010 @ 7:22 pm
I used to have one of those. Awesome.
January 28th, 2010 @ 7:30 pm
Hurdy gurdy?
January 28th, 2010 @ 7:42 pm
Learn the trumpet, it only has 3 buttons.
Life’s too short to learn the sax.
January 28th, 2010 @ 9:28 pm
Besides, Twenty has a surfeit of sax appeal.
January 28th, 2010 @ 10:06 pm
Seriously, Twenty, if you haven’t learnt to play anything by now, it probably won’t happen.
Stick to the skin flute.
January 28th, 2010 @ 11:37 pm
Stick to the skin flute.
He has servants for that. No, wait, that’s Prince Charles.
January 29th, 2010 @ 12:41 am
A hurdy gurdy means that you have to get a monkey. If you get a female monkey people will talk about you and the monkey. If you get a male monkey people will talk about you and the monkey. You’ll have to buy a license for the monkey, pay vet bills, buy medicine, feed it and put the fucker up. If you don’t get a good return on your investment you go broke and find yourself out on the street and the monkey is in a warm cage in a zoo. Walking around with a tuba will get you laughed at or put away. Go with the bones or the spoons and no one will bother to ask you to play anything. You can sit in your parlor and play for Bastard face and Throatripper. And hope that they don’t go after you. After all, love can only tolerate so much.
January 29th, 2010 @ 12:46 am
The Trihornophone.
You’d corner the market and get all the gigs.
January 29th, 2010 @ 1:05 am
Vets are cheap Loco – I know one that will do anything for 20 Richmond Menthol.
January 29th, 2010 @ 2:18 am
Shit, the skin flute joke has been done.
The triangle? The Kazoo?
You could learn the Harmonica and join that cunt who always shows up with his guitar.
January 29th, 2010 @ 6:22 am
Marching band cello
Fo’ sho
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57FUphSl2vA
January 29th, 2010 @ 8:40 am
“Guitar is my first thought but I have a great fear of being mistaken for one of those people who thinks it’s ok to take out their acoustic at a party and try and make people sing. Piano, no, too big – although it would be kinda awesome.”
Seriously, forget it. If these concerns are more important to you than the music or the instrument itself, you’re bollixed.
Oh, don’t go near a fuckin’ didgeridoo. They’re stupid fuckin’ things and should be rammed up the hole of any prick who busks them in my face, the cunts.
January 29th, 2010 @ 8:41 am
The accordion – because having friends is overrated.
January 29th, 2010 @ 8:49 am
I sort of like the accordian. That Parisian lilt. Nice.
January 29th, 2010 @ 9:31 am
Tuba is a go! Then you could get this job….. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0aIqx1McVI
January 29th, 2010 @ 9:33 am
Well there are accordions and accordions SG.
You can’t really compare a sexy tango played on a Bandoneon by a black-clad, sultry, slim Argentina called Consuelo to a horsey jig played at a ceili by a big frumpy girl in an lumpy Arran jumper and kilt with a hairclip and moustache called Brigit.
January 29th, 2010 @ 9:46 am
A musical instrument? Are you not already getting your hole?
January 29th, 2010 @ 9:52 am
Lung the Younger Says:
January 29th, 2010 at 8:41 am
The accordion – because having friends is overrated.
“The definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordian but deosn’t.”
Novel – Mr American
Author – George MacDonald Fraser
January 29th, 2010 @ 9:55 am
http://newsfromireland.com/2010/01/irishman-urinated-on-french-bread-in-protest-at-henry-handball-court-told/
January 29th, 2010 @ 9:55 am
Mandolin is probably the easiest, most portable and least offensive instrument for an adult to learn, especially for diddly-aye stuff.
Flute and violin are excellent instruments but it takes a long time before you produce a good sound out of them. Much patience and hard work required.
January 29th, 2010 @ 9:56 am
A lively reel on the bagpipes in Ron’s bar would get them talking.
About how to get rid of you.
January 29th, 2010 @ 9:57 am
Accordians should be reclassified as weapons of mass destruction. Working in a shop listening to Romanian beggars “playing” the accordian for hours at a time. Amnesty International would have a fit if a terrorist had to listen to shit like that in Guantanamo.
Got some fake business cards printed (thank you Vistaprint) for music lessons, I drop them in the accordian box passing by. You get to hear some lovely words when the cunts pick them up.
January 29th, 2010 @ 10:09 am
Accordions are for cunts. And I would definitely follow porkers around if I had a tuba. I think that’s swung it for me. Cheers, Speewah.
January 29th, 2010 @ 10:12 am
haha, that stewie clip is great.
January 29th, 2010 @ 10:13 am
“Well there are accordions and accordions SG…”
Fair point.
January 29th, 2010 @ 11:15 am
Im Grade 8 on the Hairy Banjo…
January 29th, 2010 @ 12:53 pm
Taj Mahal the blues guy has a couple of albums featuring Tuba.
January 29th, 2010 @ 4:00 pm
try the flesh fiddle
all you need is a long sharp butchers knife
and some cunts neck
January 29th, 2010 @ 4:45 pm
How on earth did Lung find out the name of that girls moustache? Good sleuthing sir, my hat’s off to you.
January 29th, 2010 @ 5:16 pm
go for the piano Twenty!!!!I have one and can spend hours happily tinkling,though I have only a basic ability.I think you should think about what sort of music you want to play,and then decide.
January 29th, 2010 @ 9:06 pm
In every picture of Uri Geller I’ve ever seen the cunt is trying to hypnotize the photographer
January 30th, 2010 @ 1:58 am
Store up on loads of old dogfood, catfood, soup & baked beans cans.
Stack ‘em up on the coffee table there.
Utilise a pair of manky auld chopsticks.
Learn your neighbours good AND get with your funky self.
January 30th, 2010 @ 1:14 pm
Just get one of these and plug it into the USB of your computer.
It’ll work great with the GarageBand software that came free with your Mac, they’re cheap and good fun. It’s a start at least and a lot better than a Stylophone
http://www.m-audio.com/products/en_us/KeyRig49.html
January 31st, 2010 @ 9:36 pm
Mandolin, though they are very hard on the fingers. Or just get a classical guitar and learn Spanish music, then you couldn’t be misconstrued as an ‘indie’ eejit. And besidea, Spanish music is awesome:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08qLjUAhdNw