I will not descend stairs into a restaurant at basement level unless I have specifically made a reservation there. Not being able to see how busy a restaurant is ensures this is not an option for me as it makes the situation awkward when you go downstairs, go inside, see few people in there and then turn to leave. It’s much better to just look from the outside.
On the same track I will not go into an empty restaurant. Even if it’s just open I refuse to be the only person there. This also applies to most shops, especially clothes shops.
I will not react to any last minute changes to my well made plans with anything other than outright dismay. I hate having do something I have not prepared myself to do.
I will not pass up the opportunity to let a bad driver know that they are a bad driver, either by parping my horn at them, flashing my lights at them or using various hand gestures. I feel it is my duty to try and snap them out of the funk they find themselves in. It’s for the good of society as a whole.
I will not refuse to say ‘You’re welcome’ to somebody when they fail to acknowledge an act of good manners such as holding a door open for them. I will ensure that as many people as possible hear that sarcastic utterence.
I will not eat battery-farmed chicken anymore. Not so much out of consideration for the animals but because they’re fucking awful mutant looking things and I do not want to eat mutants (unless by eating an X-men style mutant you would gain their powers in which case I would scoff mutant pie all day long).
I will not now write ‘NOT AT THIS ADDRESS’ and put in the postbox the countless letters that arrive to my house addressed to somebody else. I shall simply tear them up and put them in the bin.
I will not write any more sentences about what I will not do. For now.
I wont ‘Parp’ my horn either Ms Blython..
I will instead have a mini fit of fucking and screaming at the cunt in the knowledge that he/she cant hear, me and if I am the one in the wrong then they will just think/know that I’m mental…
Ha ha! Great post and particularly liked the caveat on mutant superpowers…
I’m sensing a touch of autism.
Nah, I just don’t like some stuff.
Heh..Rainman..
Did you actually repost the letters upon which you wrote ‘not at this address’? Or did you just write ‘not at this address’ and sit smugly back and think ‘See?’
Eventually. At some point in the future.
I wont drink or use milk in coffee/tea unless its directly from the fridge…
How long does it have to be out before you won’t use it? If it’s been out and you put it in the fridge, wait 30 seconds then take it out again, does that work?
You could balance this negativity with a list of things you won’t not do.
I won’t go to the shop to buy toilet roll only. I always have to buy other things too. Otherwise people know you’re bursting for a Bertie.
‘bursting for a Bertie’ is a wonderful expression!
That’s it, Twenty. Stand firm.
I leave cloths shops when the assistant asks can they help me with anything. Fuck off and let me look in peace, if i want help i’ll ask for it
If milk has been left out for any time it goes down the sink… if it has been open more than two days even in fridge its the same thing… have a sour milk phobia, and when it comes to cereal if the milk is anything other than very cold it will make me gag and I’ll dump the whole bowl…
Why not send a flunky down the stairs to check out the fullness of the restaurant ? Does the same caveat apply to taverns ?
Peadar, the shop assistants in London come up to you and go ‘alright mate?’
Self: “Do I know you?”
Cunt: “Er no.”
Self: “Stop calling me ‘mate’ then.”
How do you feel about Yoghurt Sam ?
same goes for all dairy really…
1.Descend stairs to basement restaurant in a rapid,thunderous fashion and if it’s full; just brush off the knees of your trousers as if you fell downstairs by accident and walk back out.
2.Bring somebody with you.
3.Adopt Luke Rhinehart’s dice-throwing approach to life.
4.Get a portable DVD player and watch movies while you drive.
5.Stop being so nice in the first place.
6.Eat chopped-up battery farm chickens or close your eyes.
7.Change your name to the one on the letters.
I know Twenty loves poetry Sam, so this is for you
The cow is of the bovine ilk;
one end is moo,
the other milk.
Ogden Nash
Twenty, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
I remember thinking I would scoff mutant pie all day long too….watching Rebecca Romjin as Mystique
But would you scoff Mary Harney’s pie Mosheen ?
And that has put me off my lunch, cheers Maggot.
There’s an idea – The maggot diet – put a picture of the Harney hairy pie on fridge and food cupboards. Guaranteed success.
Have you got a picture of her hairy pie?
I could’nt imagine what a Mary Harney mutant hairy pie would look like. How would we recognize a picture of it?
I’m sure I could find a repulsive picture but Twenty would go apeshit
So instead have this
http://www.writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/america.html
America I’ve given you all and now I’m nothing.
America two dollars and twenty-seven cents January 17, 1956.
I can’t stand my own mind.
America when will we end the human war?
Go fuck yourself with your atom bomb
I don’t feel good don’t bother me.
I won’t write my poem till I’m in my right mind.
Thank you for sparing us
please nobody put up a photo of mary harneys hootenanny it will sicken us and sick people get fuck all help in Ireland
A Black Hole with Brian Geoghegan’s legs hanging out of it.
Despite going off topic “Things I wont do” still fits.
Peadar and holemaster would do it in tandem.
Incidentally Twenty – re the booking – what do you do if you arrive for your reserved table and find the restaurant is otherwise deserted ?
I was going to say I’d never go near Harney. But that’s almost impossible if you live in Ireland. I was in the same restaurant as her once. Thank God she was distracted.
I would never book a restaurant which would be empty, maggot.
Always open all mail not addressed to you: it can prove profitable as there might be a check or some kids birthday money in the envelope that can be used to buy beer and butts.
Maggot, Alan Ginsberg liked taking it up the ass and it was during these sessions that he wrote his shitty “poetry.”
Loco – just for you
http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/Allen-Ginsberg/3699
I will never think that if I get almost completely dressed that when I go downstairs I will remember to take knickers out of the tumble drier and put them on before going out on a windy day.
Harney:
http://www.nerve.com/CS/blogs/scanner/2009/02/23-End/vag2.jpg
I got a freebie to u2 one year. Two or irelands biggest spoofing cunts sitting in front of me. Mary Harney and Paul Williams. It was shit. the only thing that kept me there was free tequila and the thing that I can’t say because I know that horribly vile garda pro cunt would sue me for saying it even though it’s true.. *BURP.
Sorry; that was way off topic. It just relates to the postings above.
Back on topic. Things I won’t do. Mmmm. There’s not much I won’t do. In fact, I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t do. I’ll have to come back to you on that one..
Vote Fianna Fail. That’s it I think.
Can you do a, “things you will do” one? That works better for me.
Something you should never do is wipe your arse with a Hedgehog, it stops propagation, when a member of the opposite sex sees the damage it does it puts them of sex, and could be the cause of a whole species being wiped out, and it is dangerous so don’t do it, what happens is, the shit in their spines and the smell puts other Hedgehogs off!