*bring bring*
“Hello?”
“Twenty, it’s me. Dave”.
“What’s up, Dave?”
“I need the name of a good lawyer”.
“Johnny Cochran”.
“No, seriously. I need a hard as nails, tough as you like, take no shit, hotshot lawyer”.
“For what?”
“So I can sue Dublin City Council”.
“Sue the council? Did you slip on a loose paving stone and break your arm?”
“No. I split my head open”.
“Fucking hell”.
“Yeah. 38 stitches and a concussion”.
“Sounds bad”.
“Yeah, there was blood everywhere”.
“I can imagine. Where did it happen? I bet it was around Clanbrassil Street, there’s loads of dodgy paving slabs there”.
“In my bog”.
“Your toilet?”
“Yeah. See, with the water being cut off I knew I only had a limited time to go for a poo so I went in, sat down and nothing. There was the slightest twang but it wasn’t ready, Twenty. It just wasn’t cooked yet”.
“I see”.
“So I had to force it. I held on to the sides of the toilet seat and I squeezed and strained and pushed like a foaling horse to get what was there out so I could just flush it. All I wanted to do was to flush. It’s not too much to ask, is it? Just the right to be able to flush away ones own poos”.
“And?”
“Well I must have pushed too hard because I think all the blood in my body went to my head, I passed out, fell forward and smashed my head off the corner of the shower unit. I woke up with the floor covered in blood and two rock hard, golf ball sized turds on the floor beside me. If Dublin City Council hadn’t restricted the water supply then this would never have happened so I’m going to take legal action”.
“You should probably keep those droppings as evidence you know”.
“Really?”
“Yeah, stick ‘em in your freezer”.
“Will do! Thanks, Twenty”.
“Good luck, Dave. Anyway, must dash. I’ve got to-”
*click*
I wouldn’t bother freezing the evidence.
Just pop it in a jiffy bag and post directly to the council. Shit happens.
I’m hoping he might forget what they are and defrost a couple of lovely looking meatballs at some point in the future
Legend.
Sweetcorn infused meatballs are all the rage.
The gentle art of having a shit has truly become a cat and mouse game since the various councils decided to fuck up the water supply.
The national arsehole has never known such disruption, what with it being called into action at evermore strange times of the day.
We’ll be shitting in buckets of sawdust next. This kip is fucked if there is ever a real emergency.
That’s extremely unlikely and impossible to believe. Dave would never say “ones own poos”.
Hmmm…
Above it says under Similar Posts:
The iPhone is a reader killer (47)
says it all really when you can go from rock hard poos to iPhone
Guinness meatballs.
You might have a winner there.
A Bidet is the answer, I’ve been stuck in a small cottage that I own down in Belmullet all through that bad spell, and I had no water coming in at all, luckily when I refurbished the place I had the foresight to put in a loft storage tank and fitted a bidet, the bidet saves a hell of a lot of water, of course the only problem you have is when it comes to flushing solids away, the answer to that is one of them small food mixers with the double whisks attached, put in a small amount of water in give it a few spins of the whisks and it washes away quite easily, if you think there might a hygiene problem sharing food mixers just get every one their own, there only 10euro, you can all ways put the whisks in the dishwasher when the water comes back on, you save water,you save the planet, and for Christmas presents buy them all a food mixer.
You must live upwind of him or you would have told him to put them in a plastic bag. What will happen to the neighborhood if the city decides to cut back on electricity and his freezer and all of the shit in it thaws?
Here’s an idea of getting rich; get your grippers on the freezer and sell it to the Americans as a lethal weapon of war. We’ll find someone worth dropping it on.
“It just wasn’t cooked yet” – heh
I’m watching rte news…I don’t know why either…but…Charlie Bird is reporting from Haiti while standing on a runway beside a very big aeroplane, which has it’s engines running at a very high turnover. That’s why he is SHOUTING. Why didn’t he just move to a less noisy area on the runway. It’s no wonder people just go around beating the shit out of him. The poor fella; he’s a fucking eejit who does need sense beaten into him.
A Saturday blog? Has Twenty gone on the wagon? Joined the Pioneers?
maggot Says:
January 16th, 2010 at 6:20 pm
A Saturday blog? Has Twenty gone on the wagon? Joined the Pioneers?
I’d say he’s a more of a Ronettes man.
The Ronettes? Geddit? The…
*scratch
When the thaw eventually arrives in May, the dog parks up this far north smell worse than the toilets in the The Temple Bar.
What happened when the sewage pipes in Atha Cliath finally thawed out?
The Mowl Says:
January 16th, 2010 at 7:32 pm
What happened when the sewage pipes in Atha Cliath finally thawed out?
this happened,
http://i50.tinypic.com/2k3hpx.jpg
this is only a sample of it; there’s apparently approximately 300,000+++ as scummy and as smelly as this sample.
The stench!
itchy said….
“Why didn’t he just move to a less noisy area on the runway.”
To be fair all the news channels are having the same issue. One small runway and nowhere else to go. The reporters need to get away from the safety of the airport and get their hands dirty.
A Bird on the runway is worth two in the bush?
jesus divney; I’m sure he could have found a quiter place to report from than from the inside of an aircraft engine. Charlie does like to SHOUT. He thinks there’s a direct correlation between him SHOUTING and how SHOUTING SHOW’S HOW IMPORTANT HE IS.
Adds to the dramatic impact of the piece itchy.
Drop the dead Donkey – now there was a TV comedy.
straining to shite in a hurry like that could cause problems with a person’s intestinal wall and who would you be able to sue with half your bowel dragging behind you
Lucky he didn’t prolapse, what a dilemma for the doctor ( vet? ) – which part to save ?
runway reporting is necessary to disguise his natural bent for loudspeak
Wow the old blog is up and running again!!!
That’s a nice suprise after two years of thinking it was mothballed. Shows what a dark hole I’ve been living in recently. Anyway congratulations on your return.
that was my comment previous, I forgot I let my beer belly be known
accidents do happen
I was listening to radio 5 live today when Robbie Savage, as a contributor to the commentary for the villa v west ham game, was rambling on about benitez when he stopped mis-sentence. He got hit with the football straight in the face from a villa player. It was very funny. 2 other bbc guys in front of him ducked and he got it at a full belt.
BBC Radio 5 live’s Robbie Savage: “I’m fine, I’ve got the tissues on it right now. There was a bit of blood, I can confirm. But you’re only as good as your team-mates, and no-one made any effort to make sure the ball didn’t hit me.”
Please tell me there’s footage of that.
Well if falling the bog due to a Ferrero Rocher poo had killed Dave, at least we’d have all rested sound in the knowlege that he died with the same dignity by which he’d lived.
Can’t check it in work, but I think this is the audio from radio 5 of Robbie Savage
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPG3G9v5sJ8