Yesterday I decided I would perform my annual wardrobe tidying extravaganza. Over the course of the year many things become strewn about the place, not least of which is footwear which is, when not lying around on the floor or under the bed, chucked unceremoniously in the bottom of it.
Channeling my best Imelda Marcos, I took all the footwear out of the bottom, and rearranged them nicely. Tidily. Arrangedly. Actual shoes (I have two pairs which I rarely sport, only when I have to put on a suit) on one side, runners (of which I have many pairs) on the other.
It was all coming together very nicely until I got to the end. It was then I realised that at some point I had been burgled. Thieves had broken into my house and ignored my jewellery box, electronic devices and priceless Fabergé Creme Egg collection, and instead had stolen one of a pair of Adidas runners and one Nike football boot. I searched high and low, far and wide, but they are gone, and the only explanation for this is shoe robbing cunts.
Now my one runner and my one football boot sit alone, orphaned just outside the wardrobe. The silver studs of the football boot sparkle with loneliness, not even the shredded skin from a striker’s knee on them to remind me of better days, when we were complete.
Has anyone else ever experienced such a thing? Where could the missing pair be? I am troubled. Deeply troubled. Mostly because all my socks are present and correct and who would steal one shoe without stealing a sock to go with it?
Strange times.
Who gives a fuck ya runner wearing knacker
I give a fuck you sister chewing ‘tard
If you were in a dodgy mood you might’ve kicked them off in an especially vigorous fashion, have you looked on top of the wardrobe?
Had Heather Mills around lately?
haha
The wardrobe goes up to the ceiling so that’s not a runner. It’s the football I can’t really understand. The runner I’m sure I might have worn and taken off somewhere else in the house when pished, but both boots have been in there for ages now.
Which feet are they for? If he took the left boot & then right runner then it’s Ryan Giggs, coz he doesn’t use his right foot at all.
Larry David had this problem at the bowling alley.
Do you know, in all the panic and screaming, I forgot to check which ones are missing, left or right.
Larry David probably just made that up for the sake of his TV show.
Maybe the dog has eaten it
Nah, he’s too full up with suckling pig and orphan nuggets
Larry David probably just made that up for the sake of his TV show.
That’s funny.
Oops!
You mean your runner did a legger?
Bummer.
Went shoe shopping in Dublin before yule.
Tried a few versions before settling on a nice casual pair of Clarks in natural leather.
Paid in full and brought my latest stylish acquisitions up to the Northern latitudes for wearing.
Opened the box on xmas day and, er, yes..that’s just fucking great..two left feet..
Are you gay?
Just my left foot.
Someone borrowed the football one for walking/hopping securely in the snow. Either that or you’ve had dolphins in.
Maybe someone is secretly having them bronzed for you?
Doubt it though.
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
So anywhere within a 1/2 mile radies twenty.
Is it hanging from the telephone wires outside?
One runner and one footie boot?
Just go to the next Dublin marathon and be on the look out for a contender who is wearing a burglar’s balaclava, slide-tackling all the other athletes and smells of your own particular strain of athlete’s foot.
Like rapings, robbings often happen close to home.
Maybe your ma was around twenty and she decided to do a bit of spring cleaning, saw a ‘dirty’ football boot and binned it.
Or worse: she may have donated it to the knackers like my ma did when gave away my beloved bomber jacket (before they were in fashion) to the pikies when i was 10. THE BITCH!
Get yourself a good lawyer
it’s a terrible indictment of the new modern Ireland… a mans shoes used to be sacrosanct but not any more….those days are over man, over….first it;s the shoes then it’s the scarves…were will it end…the mind boggles…
Only cunts wear scarves
knowing they could never be together as a pair in todays matching world, they’ve obviously ran away together, to the tune of…
“I CAN’T LIVE… IF LIVING IS WITHOUT SHOOOOEEEE…”
I found them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJ3lq307kb8
How romantic, they have eloped.
Have the underwear gnomes moved on to footwear?
Raises the question as to whether or not twenty goes commando Medbh.
I most certainly do not, peadar.
Underwear gnomes sounds a bit filthy
Nominations for dismemberment?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/8454031.stm
Underwear gnomes sounds a bit filthy
Phone the gnome office, something should be done
(hat tip to D Bowie)
Especially when I’ve been gnome alone
My sisters and I have discovered long time ago that the washing machine is the portal to sock afterlife. If you have been a really good sock, and I mean a really good one, one day you go into the wash and never come out again.
I’ve been told this is a land of fabric softener and School deodorising spray.
I have a suspicion that your closet may be a similar portal, only for shoes.
Are they in gnoman’s land?
Just a thought – have you checked your feet ?
Go to Gnomebase.
At least you’ve got your elf.
Bunch of fairies. No pun intended.
Major, check your office, or Bastardface.
Ever got out of bed in the morning to find an article of clothing you wore the night before inexplicably wet through ? With no stench of urine, and every other item bone dry.Weirdest thing.
Major, check your office, or Bastardface.
For a moment I thought you had written orifice
That was the first place I looked, maggot.
Where might it be then? It is unlikely you lost two seperate items of footwear, unless you pulled a CSI/glass wall/Pete with the mushrooms night.
And as I recall, you don’t like visitors, so what is going on ? Heard any strange howlings outside ?
Maybe you lost one when ya kicked your girl in the fanny during the Ireland quaifying round for the World Cunt Kicking Championships.
Pete & Dud Copyright
Just A thought
heh, FMC. I don’t recall. Maybe that’s the problem.
No howlings, just missing shoes
I blame Heather Mills, not directly though. It’s just that with all her Dancing with Stars and Dancing on Ice all the cripples are starting to get ideas.
Mowl! I got the matching pair! Two right Clarkseszez… When I returned them, when the shop assistant was finished laughing, and I wasnt even smiling he said….
“Okay, so you want the left one as well”
“No I said, give me two left ones this time”
Neither of us even smiled…
No howlings,
Bald Devil was seen buying a huge dog. Be careful, don’t go out on the streets after dark. Or send Dave out first wearing an old jumper of yours.
I blame Heather Mills too.
Gnome sayin’?
Bo!
You’re a liar Twenty. There’s no way you have a drawer full of matching socks, unless you’re gay.
Excellent news SAm..I was on my way over to arrange a trade, but I kept veering to the right..and walking in circles.