If, somehow, you became aware that life was simply a film and you weren’t one of the main characters you would presented with quite the situation. There is nothing in the world as dispensible as a secondary character in a film and it makes no difference as to your character. If you are an evil person then you are likely to be given your comeuppance after a taking part in, or at the very least enabling, a plethora of reprehensible acts. If you are a good person you are just as likely to be bumped off, to tug on the heartstrings of the viewer and to allow the hero/heroine to re-double their efforts in confronting the main bad guy.
Timing is the key here. Difficult as it might be, working out what percentage of the movie has passed is crucial to your continued existence. Of course there are risks throughout the entirety of the picture but if you discover, after careful calculation, that you are in the final 25% then it behooves one to act with the utmost care.
While one might have strong feelings of friendship, or more, for the hero/heroine, agreeing to accompany them anywhere would be a foolish choice. The likelihood that you will die is somewhere in the region of 97% (although this falls to a mere 61% if you are a sidekick as opposed to a lover/friend). Similarly, if you are committed to helping your nefarious master carry out his, most likely, ludicrous plan, your chances of being impaled on something increase massively.
In these circumstances, whether good or evil, one should simply say ‘I would very much like to help you today, but I must [INSERT EXCUSE HERE]‘. These might include:
- ‘Return my library books’
- ‘Go shopping for a new sofa in Ikea’
- ‘Visit my mother who is in a care home and whom I have been neglecting recently due to the intense action we have been involved in’
- ‘Update my blog with pictures of the snow’
To avoid any kind of later involvement it might be wisest to simply say nothing and disappear. Staying at home would be a bad idea as that would make you easy to find. Make a cash withdrawal, book into a low-key hotel, turn one’s mobile phone off and read a book until the denouement is the best advice I can give. Then you can live happily ever after.
Until the sequel.
Rampant affair = bad idea
Eating lots of toast and peanut butter = good idea
Is that about it?
But…but…the snow was crucial to the plot of my last blog.
Or something.
Yes, I think that about sums it up, Magoo. It would also be wise to eschew any talk of impending retirement or a family occasion to which one is looking forward to a great deal.
Radge, snow is so last week man.
It’s the Galaxy Quest disposable-unnamed-character paradox.
Don’t forget the baddie sidekick who turns good at the very end, thereby saving him/herself unless the director/writer is ridiculously moralistic.
I would very much like to help you today, but I must [INSERT IRIS ROBINSON HERE]‘.
This is true, a warm front swept in from Malta and dispersed it good and proper.
heh, Itchy.
Conan – many of those people also get killed as a double whammy of ‘comeuppance for evil’ + ‘character does the right thing and moves away from the dark side but never gets a chance to live the wholesome life’.
people also get killed as a double whammy of ‘comeuppance for evil’ + ‘character does the right thing and moves away from the dark side but never gets a chance to live the wholesome life’.
Aren’t you worried?
I’m not in a film.
If you start sinister celeste music all the time, would that be a bad sign? Even in the jacks lately, I’ve been hearing this kind of thing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_47fPXN1nU&NR=1
start hearing I meant.
eh twenty … am I loosing it or did you have a blog post about dexies midnight runners and monkey balls and bald devil were replying … just now
Thaw? Níl.
I’m not in a film.
Happens in real life as well though.
bald devil
Now you have done it, he’ll be back
“eh twenty … am I loosing it or did you have a blog post about dexies midnight runners and monkey balls and bald devil were replying … just now”
I think you’ve discovered a worm hole.
Yep, I think you went way back in time, FG.
http://twentymajor.net/2008/01/11/fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion/#comments
I think you’ve discovered a worm hole.
Just don’t show it to Peadar – worms have feelings.
he loves us all you know
Make a cash withdrawal, book into a low-key hotel, turn one’s mobile phone off and read a book until the denouement is the best advice I can give. Then you can live happily ever after.
good plan, but you should ensure to remove any radio tracking devices from any suitcases full of cash which you may recently have stolen from dangerous and very murderous drug dealers…
why do drug dealers get such bad press?
Dou think Adebayor ran the length of the bus to celebrate in front of the gunners?
And if you’re a female character, don’t expect the main dude to protect you, because as soon as he runs outside to check that strange noise, the bad guys will run in to slit your throat or something. You will only be a foil or catalyst for the protagonist dude to get revenge, make his name, prove his valor. You however, will be dead.
Above all, take extra special care when you’re ‘just a few days from retirement and spendin’ the rest of your days on the boat you worked so hard to afford, fishin’ and knockin’ back brewskis’.
Actually come to think of it, if that’s the case you might as well just shoot yourself and save yourself the bother of dying in your partner’s arms.
“good plan, but you should ensure to remove any radio tracking devices from any suitcases full of cash which you may recently have stolen from dangerous and very murderous drug dealers…”
It’s called a transponder.
Your next line is…
The main dude can agonise over the female’s death, Medbh, before instantly copping off with the supermodel looking, hot bodied best friend of female.
I’m going to retire in a surprise fashion so I don’t get caught out in that time-old way. One day I’ll just wake up and say “I’m retired”
Not this kind of retired though – http://i48.tinypic.com/2mcyntw.jpg
What the …???
How the fuck did I jump back to 2008 ..I wasnt even drinking or anything …
Thank fuck for that …. I thought monkey man and his gimp were back in town and doing the rounds
If you ‘know’ its a film then its not a stretch to find out who’s directing it , giving you further info.
Scorsese – you’re going to die horribly no matter what you do. Its going to look fantastic to anyone watching.
Michal Bay – the film is crap. So is your life.
James Cameron – this is why you’re blue
Danny Boyle – you’re on drugs, or you live in a slum.
Jim Jarmush – Your life is in black and white.
I am always going to the secondary character.
‘going to be’ i meant
See, that’s why.
Head shops
the new national crisis
Everybody is “furious” and “disgusted”. And it’s a “disgrace”
Joe Duffy get off the air now you scare-mongering Daily Mail piece of shit tabloid radio journalism cunt
Tha’s my advice
Itchy, just don’t listen to it. Seriously, it’s not as if some day it’s suddenly going to be a great radio show.
It’s horrible, stupid, depressingly boring shite.
Turn it off, is my advice.
Medbh, especially in a Mel Gibson film – the woman’s got to die so he can get his motivation ‘up’.
Mel Gibson, an even bigger cunt than Tom Cruise
Twenty Major Says:
January 11th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
The main dude can agonise over the female’s death, Medbh, before instantly copping off with the supermodel looking, hot bodied best friend of female.
I’m going to retire in a surprise fashion so I don’t get caught out in that time-old way. One day I’ll just wake up and say “I’m retired”
Not this kind of retired though – http://i48.tinypic.com/2mcyntw.jpg
Jesus twenty; where is that place which you hang out of on your down time? They sound like my type; low intelligence, massive egos.
I think the large cash withdrawal would spell the death of you, Twenty – dead giveaway that you intend subverting the plot. Maybe you could get Lucky to stage your premature death & haunt the director??
I’ll be right back…
He’ll never be the star but he’ll always have a job
Bit of a surprise – he was tipped for the top.
A reverse Mary Lou.
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2010/0111/breaking67.htm
I hope for his sake that his kneecaps are protestant.
Mary Lou eh? What happened her? Oh yeah. I remember now.
The Labour Party does not inspire me – except Joan Burton, and Emmet Stagg for this; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkJLWx6H7Gs
- now that it has a jumping ship browncoat member I’m even less inspired.
Martyn Turner on Saturday -
http://www.irishtimes.com/todayspaper/2010/0109/index.html
Killian Forde is a man on a mission. An Irish Tony Blair or another Pat Rabbitte?
Happy bunny goes hop, hop, hopping along. I have a vision of Blair and Bertie. Both saying “It’s my money”
http://www.shameinnothing.com/data/lulz/SCISSORING.jpg
What a bunch of cunts
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/africa/8450529.stm
‘What a bunch of cunts’
It’s probably the only way of officially ending their paricipation in the competition.
Is there a facebook group campaigning to give their spot to Ireland yet?
That would probably be deemed racist in the way Avatar has been denounced as racist.
Probably
Point # 3 did not work in “Collateral.”
Speaking of racism; Bill Clinton allegedly swayed Ted Kennedy to back Obama, instead of Hillary, by saying to Ted – ” In the old days that guy would be serving us coffee”
Oh dear…
Pffffft, in the old days, Hillary would have been serving the coffee, too.
All that coffee is ok, but which one would suck his cock.
Was Iris ever in America ?
As far as I know Iris was never in America but the way things are turning out, America may have been in her. Think she’ll turn up on Tiger Woods’ list?
Even more disturbing – remember the claims about bumface Rooney and his older woman ?