A new year. A new decade. Time to turn over a new leaf. To make things which are improvable, improved. I’ve struggled long and hard to think of resolutions for this exciting new time. A decade in which space travel will become commonplace after the mini-fusion reactor is invented by accident in 2014. I know this because time travel becomes the norm in 2019 and Dirty Dave popped back to tell me. Here’s hoping he hasn’t bollixed up the old space/time continuum by doing so.
Anyway, my resolutions:
1 – I will eat much less cabbage in 2010 than I did last year. As I ate none at all in 2009 I am unsure as yet how to go about this. Would inserting cabbage in one’s anus then pooing it out count as reverse cabbaging?
2 – I will stop being so understanding and positive about this government
3 – I will resist the temptation to get into online scraps with other blogs who deliberately make posts trying to drag up the same old argument again. I will resist. Mostly.
4 – I will buy at least one LP this year and not download them all. I’m feeling slightly guilty now despite years of spending far too much money on music. I will download it first to make sure I like it though.
5 – I will stop eating the skin off my fingers. It’s delicious, chewy and sometimes crunchy but that special pain you get when you tear off a bit which goes too deep is tiresome now.
6 – I will invent something cool. At the very least I will think of the invention while in my cups then bemoan the fact I never write any of my awesome drunk ideas down.
7 – Whenever John Waters or Kevin Myers are on the radio I will switch to another channel (ALTERNATIVE: I will buy a radio that can resist being thrown repeatedly at a wall).
8 – I will eat more soup.
I think 8 is plenty. Especially when I’m only likely to keep one or two of them. Or none, depends how lazy I feel.
I was in a charity shop the other day and found a shelf of LPs. If only I’d known about your 4th resoloution I could have picked you up Nana Mouskouri (sp?) or Tanita Tikarem on vinyl for your collection.
ps re #8, have you a good recipe for gazpacho?
Are you going to take up running?
Maria will be disappointed by the missing number 9.
If you drink cabbage soup you can:
eat no cabbage
but still poo it
and satisfy number 8
It will taste vile and you’ll be very stinky but it will be a time-saver for your resolutions and you’ll thank me for it in 2019 when everyone else is saying “where did all the time go?”
Conan – shame about Nana, gazpacho is not something I’m good at. I make a mean vichyssoise though.
FMC – heh, you so funny
Christy – good thinking re: cabbage but cabbage soup doesn’t do it for me.
9 – Use the word ‘cunt’ more. There. Now Maria will be happy. I think.
This year I resolve to tell people exactly what I know about Shergar.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. Apart from making a New Year’s resolution in 2000 not to make any more New Year’s resolutions.
givin up smokin……this year im only goin to smoke after sex….if 2009 isanything to go by ,ive already given up…….any chance of a ride maria
With the cabbage thing, I think if you insert cabbages well up your rear end and then stick your fingers down your throat thereby puking up whole cabbages you haven’t even eaten, that would count as eating less.
That would require a much more vigorous insertion than I would like.
Surely if you smoke after sex Triangle, you need to use more lube. I’m just saying.
I’m too tired to think of resolutions, aside from renting blu-ray dvds and not buying them in HMV cos they’re too pricey and doing whatever I can to get rid of this crap government. Let them try living on plumpinut while queueing for the dole when out of office!
I’m going to stop watching foreign footie on Friday nights in the summer.
What sort of daft country has football on in summer anyway?
What?
Oh…
Hell dont mention Maria …. oh shit.
I resolve to follow through on my idea of wearing a pilots uniform and going to an airport bar with a friend and proceeding to get absolutely rat-arsed.
It’d be backwards nation for sure, SoS. Just make sure you’re following a team from the right side of Dublin!
Toronto – that sounds like excellent fun.
Actually I do have a new year’s resolution. It’s 1920 x 1200 pixels.
Oh man …
Sticking vegetables up your bum has some merit – it might be a good incentive to help you keep number 5.
No, that’s a habit that’s gonna be hard to break. I am a champion finger chomper. Have been for as long as I can remember. I could never be a hand model. Unless it was as public safety warning video about how chewing your hands for years at a time makes them kinda gross looking. Especially when you just get out of the sea and they’re all wrinkled or if you bite too much and you put a plaster on one finger and then you take the plaster off and the skin is all white, like a pickled vampire cock.
And today’s soup is carrot and parsnip.
I like the list; looks like you’re back to form.
Here is my list -
1
2
3
You get the gist.
I see where you’re coming from, Itchy. Tough year ahead.
re the cabbage/anus thing – start with sprouts and work upwards.
My resolution for 2010 is to get laid.
It is wise to use condoms whilst sticking vegetables up one’s bottom – pesticides can irritate.
However, the use of organic produce can also help to minimise potential problems.
Thank god for the Green Party.
no more making silly comments on blogs and forums whilst under the influence…
Maggot, you’ve already been an egg so how do you expect to get laid again?
ecdysis Conan
Toronto, please, if you have any humanity, forewarn us here when you decide to go to that airport bar, as I’m having flashbacks of Homer Simpson drinking in an airport bar, dressed as a piot, for the purposes of cheap drink, when he was nabbed to fly a plane cos someone didn’t turn up!
Does the fact that you have “Icarus” in your name have any sinister meaning, I wonder???
Is there any chance you could add Murdering them 2 Chip n Pin cunts off the Radio Cabs add to that list?
Maggot, are you one of the diptera and expecting to metamorphose this year?
Oh, Chip and Pin, how I hate thee.
Nearly as much as that fucking wardrobes ad.
Conan – I’m looking forward to getting wings!
I hate all the New Year weight loss ads, people are neurotic enough already.
My weight loss regime is my own.
Time for another SuperSlimFastMegaSlimDoNoExerciseShake.
I’m sure you are Maggot, but I’d be disappointed if you weren’t one of the coleoptera, although I always suspected you might be hymenopterous.
To the vulgar I shall be known as a screwworm, Cochliomyia hominivorax.
Which of them uses spaghetti bolognese, clean sheets and the Best of Bread to get laid? There’s your answer
Oh, Maggot already answered
Don’t forget the booze Christy.
I will never ever buy anything at wardrobe elegance.
But they’re made in Navan with a 10 year guarantee
Yippee – raucous laughter from the lounge will be your warning.
Maggot, a belated welcome to Europe and a happy pupation in 2010!
“with a 10 year guarantee” that they make excellent firewood?
Speaking of wardrobes, Has anybody else noticed that there seem to be less moths about these days?
Could there be something in this global warming lark?
And where do slugs go in the winter?
Anyone seen a 10 reg car yet? I have a €50 bet on with a friend for the first pic.
Anyone seen a 10 reg car yet?
There were loads of them around Rathkeale,on the 31st….their quick,them Pikeys…
New Years Revolutions:
1. Not talk to members of the ST :P
2. Not talk to readers of the ST :D
That about covers it back to you twenty (“,)
Be careful about shoving a head of cabbage up the arse, it might offend the PETOV gang. Then again,if you like it you’ve doubled your sex life.
Hopefully, Maria shit on her father’s shoes and is now incapacitated
I’m going to drink more soup, because that’s what we do down here, and Maria sounds nice, I’ve got a nearly new canine and I think I’ll call it Maria, it’s got an awful dose of the shits, and the vet just died.
happy new year….
Maggot, it’s a bit silly to make resolutions that aren’t achieveable.
Who the fuck is Maria?
Peadar – somewhere there is a desperate female. Just a question of finding her.
Maggot, I swear I’ve never had holes in my clothes from moths till the last couple of years and slugs have been somehow squeezing themselves under my back door this winter; I think it’s something to do with aliens myself.
You must be a good person if slugs are attracted to you – I’ll be setting up my slugarium when the weather warms up a bit!