There are many constants in life. Sun comes up, sun goes down. Irish summer, rain-a-plenty. Grass is green, sky is blue, water is wet, Damien Rice is a tedious, acoustic cunt and Green Party members think they’re Jesus.
One of the other great constants was – I go for a poo, I read something. A newspaper or a book, for example. For years my bathroom contained a range of ‘toilet books’, the kind you could just pick up, dip into and put back when you were finished. Books of quotes or interesting facts, that kind of thing. The magazine from the Sunday Times could often provide a week’s worth of reading, depending the regularity, consistency and ease of that week’s defecation.
Now though, now that I am iPhonic, I rarely, if ever, read while moving my bowels. I have games. Shooting games, jumping games, shooting and jumping games, puzzle games, games which require one to keep the phone level so you can propel a ball containing a monkey through a tricky, mid-air maze, games involving cows, cars, diggers and darts. And if games aren’t my bag there’s always on-bog internet.
Sadly my wifi network doesn’t seem to work in my bathroom. I have no real idea why. It works in more distant rooms in the house, perhaps it is lead lined or something, but I can live with 3G while doing a BM. You would probably be surprised at how much of my Twitter is posted while laying cable. Or not. And the two things really do go quite well together when you think about it.
Now, my bathroom is essentially book free. I should do something about this, iPhone addiction is a bad thing. Sure, I ran 11,464 yards in Canabalt, but I could have read Ron Atkinon’s most ludicrous football quotes instead. Who cares if I got a new record on level 98 of Ragdoll Blaster? I should have been reading a book of outrageously offensive Icelandic cartoons.
Something’s got to change, I’ve got to turn over a new leaf. It can be a New Year’s resolution though.
I’m not quite ready yet.
You can’t beat the book in the bathroom. You can beat other things but not the book.
I like to ‘log-in’ on the bog.
Sigh. Attempts mental image block.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Go to the bathroom, shit, leave bathroom. Don’t fucking read, play games, talk on phone or fucking anything. Just do your buisness and get out.
I bet you have phone conversations while shitting as well you sick fucks
I bet you have phone conversations while shitting as well you sick fucks
Yes, whats the problem?
Peadar, that’s all well and good if a visit to the bathroom is in, out, leave. Sometimes you need something to take your mind off the burning, searing pain as you unleash a torrent of Guinness fueled scut.
And I see no problem with talking to somebody whilst in mid-dump. Once you keep the kerplunk sounds at your end to a minimum, out of politeness.
It’s not 100% about the reading. But more about subtly distracting yourself from what is really going on.
I never understand why people think it’s unhygienic to read in the toilet. It’s not like you to touch your poo and then touch the book with your dirty hands. The lads toilet in work is full of newspapers. That’s the way it should be.
The pooing process deserves more respect. You should concentrate on what your doing, not reading.
Talking on the phone is just wrong. If I suspected someone was on the loo while talking to me on the phone I’d hang up
Not a Multi-tasker then Peadar?
I’m curious as to how many replies to this tale will be posted while taking a gladys.
If you concentrate too much you can make a mess of it. You need the distraction so that you can relax and let nature take its course…
Exactly, the satisfying Oliver Twist poo only comes after the first one has sunk and some time has passed. What better way to have some more than to read or play a game?
Sitting there waiting for it to emerge is too much like watched pot, and all that.
Ah, you must have the iPhone Regularis. Did you get the Glade (Touch & Fresh) app?
I did not. Nor did I go to Paul’s house.
We’ve managed to turn what we can see and hear into data, why haven’t we done the same for things we can smell?
iStench?
That kind of thing, I like ‘iPong’ myself.
You could send a pic of beautiful flowers with an accompanying perfume data file. Of course you could also trick the recipient and the ‘perfume’ file could be rotten egg.
A whole new world of prankage awaits us.
Yes, but how long do we have to wait? Think of the applications… once we have all digital TV there could be an olafactory data stream transmitted with all the food/cookery programmes… eau du cordite could be an integral part of all those shoot em up games.
And an odour of utter shite whenever Robbie Keane appears in FIFA or PES
Exactly. When we hear bullshit we smell bullshit. When we hear a load of old bollocks, we smell a load of old bollocks. When we see Cowen sweating, we smell Cowen sweating.
You need to download Stanza – back to reading the classics while dumping your load.
Thanks to years of discipline and personal training, I now manage to drop 80-90% of my chods while at work. For as VIZ pointed out, not only are you saving on bogroll but you’re actually getting paid to do it.
Due to the obvious restrictions, my only form of amusement it a humble pair of nail clippers.
Getting paid to have a shit. That’s just great. I never thought of that.
D’oul nail clippers are very handy for the DIY circumcision and/or swift dingleberry removal alright… as for pile zapping, say no more!
Getting paid to have a shit. That’s just great. I never thought of that.
I’m sure it’s not the same if you’re self-employed. I used to enjoy my ‘at work’ poos a lot more when I had to work in an office. That and the fact they had a wonderfully spacious, fully enclosed handicapped people toilet.
Why does one have to be handicapped to be afforded the basic courtesy of a proper toilet? Us norms get cubicles.
ooh twenty….I checked out the ‘offensive icelandic cartoons’ – the guy is a PLAGIARIST…I kid you not the one about ‘look what i found in Mummy’s head’ was in a Trinity Rag Mag back in the very late seventies or early eighties! (you can see them on Google Images if you just enter his name)
Its a well known fact that disabled people generally have more diffuclty dropping the Cosbys off at the pool than the rest of us. That and falling off their wheelchairs while trying to mount the toilet seat, of course, never an easy manoeuvre to pull off…
Trinity Rag Mag, Gluey?!
I have no problem with their toilets being bigger, more comfortable, with handrails, but I think we’re all entitlled to a fully enclosed shite.
they always seem warmer as well.
Viz in the bog , after dark jazz mags
Do you also need the assistance of a handrail for the purpose of evacuating your bowels, TM? Agree about the enclosed cubicle, though – there’s nothing worse than hearing some fat sweaty cunt next door straining to rip his rectum apart while you’re attempting to quietly deposit a load of Guinness-branded by-product in the bowl…
I wonder what illiterates and dyslexics used to do in the bog before phone games and gameboys ?
I can live without the handrail but I have to admit it’s come in handy once or twice.
I sometimes use the disabled toilet in work. It’s clean and bright. See, there are no special needs people in my job. So it’s all good.
There is, however, a Polish bird that I’ve seen use it betimes aswell. Just the 2 of us as far as I know.
Weirdly enough, besides all the handrails, back cushion (man, I’ve made friends with that thing), alarm pulls, etc. the bog roll is perversely a full lean and arm length away on the far wall. Big trouble for Timmy someday, that one.
Things I lay with on my iPod Touch on the jacks… Doodle Jump, Jelly Car, Wild West pinball, Astro Tilt, Ragdoll Blast, Louvre app, Earthworm Jim free, Cows in Space and most appropriately, Paper Toss.
Viz is good too.
You need Minigore
Ah, I have it. Only tried it once or twice. Lots of little ghosties in a park? Shoot the cunts?
See, it involved 2 hands full-time and I was getting red marks on my thighs from leaning for too long. I think that’s what was going on anyway
That’s the one. Good fun.
A mate works in a big company and tried out the Alarm Pull in the capper-jacks once. Never has an ass been wiped so fast.
I’d love to have seen his capper-jacks face.
Hey, isn’t that a nightclub?
You can’t beat a good WAP (for the old timers) and a crap… Sky Sports website on a Monday morning.. oh the memories..
Doodle Jump is what you need, bouncey.
Twenty, Amazon just released Kindle for iPhone. It’s free, although the books will cost (a bit less than real versions).
Cheers Jemima, but I wouldn’t use a Kindle. It’s weird to me.
squat ‘n’ surf