Monthly Archives: December 2009

Ireland was on red alert last night after a severe weather warning. Met Éireann urged people to take care on the roads due to icy condidtions and gave notice of the possibility of intense freezing then unfreezing over the coming days.

“It looks as if there’ll be a bit of snow”, said Dr Albert Cumulus, “which will, of course, make the whole country grind to a complete halt. A light dusting = all emergency services closing down, people barricading themselves into their houses after panic shopping and buying all the bread and milk they can in the supermarket”.

The worst is still to come though, according to experts. Seamus Cockbunion, who can guage the weather by the stench of his own urine, reckons things will get worse before they get better. “Dere’ll be a some o’ dat old snow all raight … twill look nice an’all when it’s white and dat … but before de kids have even put a carroh in de nose of de snowman de rains’ll come. And when de rains come den you get … de slush”.

While many have fond memories of the ‘big snow’ in early 1982, the fun of being able to leap off roofs without breaking your back has forced a kind of collective amnesia regarding the ‘big melt’. Ireland had to wade through billions of gallons of dirty, brown wet snow, as if the roads were covered in shit flavoured Slush Puppies. The place looked dirtier than a knacker’s camp after coming down off a load of acid.

“Beware de slush”, said Cockbunion. “Don’t say I didl’t warren ye. Dere’ll be slush everywhere”.

Fianna Fail have asked for calm though saying they’d been collecting funds for such an eventuality for years.