My toaster is shit
Posted on | November 12, 2009 | 55 Comments
It’s the worst toaster ever. It takes ages to make toast. I could nearly go out and fetch kindling then wood and build my own fire, on a wet day, then toast my bread using a stick.
I wish Dyson would make a toaster like those fancy new hand-driers. If you can dry a man’s soaking wet hands in less than 10 seconds it should be possibly to make a piece of toast in less than 30.
Have we really achieved anything as a society when shocking and fundamental flaw like this exist? I don’t think so.
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55 Responses to “My toaster is shit”
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November 12th, 2009 @ 9:53 am
But wouldn’t it toast your hands too.
Queues for pub toilet hand dryers are bad enough with feckers making toast as well
November 12th, 2009 @ 10:14 am
I’m guessing that the “Burn” setting is working perfectly Twenty?
November 12th, 2009 @ 10:16 am
Ah Twenty, just wait around.
Sure within a couple of years they’ll be selling mobile phones that can make toast. Just like I was explainin’ to Joe Duffy on de radio de other day……….
November 12th, 2009 @ 10:28 am
Just get someone else to put on your toast, 5 mins earlier than you normally do.
Then just walk into the kitchen, and Hey Presto, Toast!
November 12th, 2009 @ 10:46 am
Are you sure the toaster is plugged in? If so run it under a warm tap. while it’s plugged in
November 12th, 2009 @ 10:51 am
walk into the kitchen in the nude. put the toast on, get dressed and by the time you’ve donned your name tag and cap it’ll be good to go.
November 12th, 2009 @ 11:01 am
Wire it up to a car battery and you can bring it with you on the bus.
N’yom, n’yom, all the way to the petrol station.
November 12th, 2009 @ 11:09 am
fast toast doesnt taste as nice as slow toast. Its a sad fact of life.
November 12th, 2009 @ 11:11 am
If it’s really stale bread, you could put it in the microwave, toaster and all.
November 12th, 2009 @ 11:17 am
fast toast doesnt taste as nice as slow toast. Its a sad fact of life.
I strongly disagree on this very serious issue.
Slow toast dries out too much and can become like cracker bread. Fast toast is lovely and hot and brown on the the outside but still soft and spongy in the middle. I always turn the toaster up to the highest setting. But then I have to stand over it and eject it when it starts to burn
November 12th, 2009 @ 11:34 am
Toast (two slices)
Cheese (cheapest available, loads)
Microwave until it has the appearnace of napalm.
Eat.
On nom nom and indeed nom.
November 12th, 2009 @ 11:38 am
with ketchup scaryduck, with ketchup.
November 12th, 2009 @ 11:46 am
Microwaved toast? What fresh madness is this?
November 12th, 2009 @ 11:51 am
Have you tried ironing the bread?
November 12th, 2009 @ 11:56 am
Dyson is the Jock Bono. Made a huge thing of playing to the ethnic gallery, Scottish workforce, white heather club, tartan shortbread, kilts etc then when he got successful he moved the operation abroad so as to become even richer.
November 12th, 2009 @ 12:01 pm
A very thin layer of Bovril or Marmite gives the appearance of toast for those mornings when you just don’t have the time. Apply it in layers until you reach the correct amount of ‘burn’.
November 12th, 2009 @ 12:02 pm
I know a man who eats Bovril on toast
November 12th, 2009 @ 12:09 pm
Have you a Gearge Foreman Grill?
Put the bread in that..
November 12th, 2009 @ 12:10 pm
Its like a George Foreman but from Tipperary..
November 12th, 2009 @ 12:10 pm
Bovril on toast is nice.
November 12th, 2009 @ 12:21 pm
Bovril? You minging bastard.
Tuna fish mixed with onion and mayo. Completely delicious, even if it means you can’t go within 10 feet of anyone else for the rest of the day.
November 12th, 2009 @ 12:25 pm
We used to get Bovril on toast as a treat when we were kids. And we lived in a brown paper bag on the side of the road. But we were happy.
November 12th, 2009 @ 12:44 pm
You were lucky….
November 12th, 2009 @ 12:59 pm
toast on a superser tastes nicer
November 12th, 2009 @ 1:05 pm
You can’t beat a dash of Lee and Perrins on a cheddar cheese toastie.
November 12th, 2009 @ 1:10 pm
Isn’t that a Welsh rarebit?
November 12th, 2009 @ 1:10 pm
We used to dream of eating Bovril on toast, living in luxury in a brown paper bag by the side of the road.
We were huddled under a dockleaf between the rails on the Dublin Galway line with no more than a crouton dipped in marmite for breakfast.
November 12th, 2009 @ 1:28 pm
If your toaster is shit, you should “Talk To Joe”, that cunt will have the answer.
November 12th, 2009 @ 1:30 pm
Yes, think it is Twenty. Although I hear Duffy has taken that mantle now.
November 12th, 2009 @ 1:48 pm
My toaster on the other hand, is frackin’ cool:
November 12th, 2009 @ 1:58 pm
I’mma let you finish, but Clint Eastwood & General Saint were 2 of the coolest toasters of all time.
November 12th, 2009 @ 1:59 pm
my toaster has been broken for months, i just use the grill, one sided toast is great
November 12th, 2009 @ 2:10 pm
Bovril, blech, boiled up TB cows that were too grim even for mince pies or Iceland burgers
November 12th, 2009 @ 2:22 pm
That is a cool toaster, Gimme, but I’m not sure I believe it’s actually yours.
Hannah Montana toaster on the other hand …
November 12th, 2009 @ 2:32 pm
Off topic:
I had a few last night and went to bed a bit locked. Woke up disorientated and needing a piss. Got up and walked into the wall banging my head.
November 12th, 2009 @ 2:45 pm
You think that’s something? I have the loudest kettle known to man, it would give an old skool Boeing 737 powering on a run for it’s money!
November 12th, 2009 @ 2:48 pm
Ah, remember the days when kettles whistled like canaries.
HM – heh. I got up for a piss last night and when I looked into the kitchen on my way I was convinced the plastic bag, which held all the plastic and paper for the green bin and which was hanging from the press door, was an evil little man sitting swinging his feet back and forth.
Took a few moments before the flow started.
November 12th, 2009 @ 3:00 pm
Maybe that evil little man broke your toaster?
November 12th, 2009 @ 3:06 pm
It’s not broken, it’s just shit.
And I hereby publicly apologise to Gimme for doubting the awesomeness of his toaster.
November 12th, 2009 @ 3:07 pm
That doesn’t mean I don’t think he’d like a Hannah Montana one though.
November 12th, 2009 @ 3:13 pm
Maggot says “Dyson is the Jock Bono. Made a huge thing of playing to the ethnic gallery, Scottish workforce, white heather club, tartan shortbread, kilts etc then when he got successful he moved the operation abroad so as to become even richer.”
Correct. For some reason however, only Bono is regarded out of these two to be a cunt. Oh well, at least Dyson has created some useful things.
November 12th, 2009 @ 3:29 pm
http://www.likecool.com/Dyson_Toaster–Design–Gear.html
November 12th, 2009 @ 3:43 pm
Is that a Jesus appiration on Gimme’s toast ?
November 12th, 2009 @ 4:59 pm
hanging from the press door, was an evil little man sitting swinging his feet back and forth.
redstars again twenty?
November 12th, 2009 @ 5:07 pm
Fuck the toaster, use a blow torch. Gives yer breakfast that added edge of danger.
Then apply marmalade by mixing an orange, some sugar and weedkiller and exploding it over the bread.
That’ll wake you up of a morning.
November 12th, 2009 @ 5:24 pm
Fuck Dyson, all he does is put his name, and made in Britain on expensive shite, he brought out a wheel barrow with a ball wheel just like that fuckin vacuum cleaner, and no one on earth could get it to go in a straight line in wet conditions, he also brought out a double drum washing machine, what a load of wank that was,he’s supposed to be the great British inventor, Rodger Baylis is way better than the smarmy prick, so get a toaster made by some one with not much of their eyes showing and you’ll be alright.
November 12th, 2009 @ 5:25 pm
It’s a cylon, Sniffle.
Frackin’ toasters.
November 12th, 2009 @ 8:14 pm
you didnt buy one of those fancy tefal ones with the brushed aluminium finish and the bun-warming attachment, did you major? Slow as fuck
November 12th, 2009 @ 8:47 pm
Bovril and butter mixed and spread on both sides of the bread, then stuck on a frying pan.
Sexual to the max.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the shop.
November 12th, 2009 @ 11:13 pm
I never understood why toasters burn toast….I mean they have one job, to toast bread, so why do they have a setting that allows bread to burn….meh
November 12th, 2009 @ 11:14 pm
Two words.
Croque, Monsieur.
November 13th, 2009 @ 1:14 am
the thing i never understood is why every toaster has a setting that burns toast to a crisp? who eats that shit?
and at what point of the toasting process does bread become toast?
November 13th, 2009 @ 4:51 am
Two words.
Croque, Monsieur.
That is four words
November 13th, 2009 @ 8:53 am
Did you know you can pop stale Cream Crackers in the toaster for a minute or so and they come out all crunchy like.
Potato cakes and Boxty can be toasted to perfection in the humble toaster.
A toaster is not suitable for drying out teabags.
November 13th, 2009 @ 1:02 pm
Its the reason the world is in such a mess. Imagine the luxury of a 30 second toast cycle.
It would cheer everbody up no end, the accumulated saved time could be spent dreaming up weird and wonderful concotions to emblish the new age toast.
I can seee the dfay when we all have cold fusion toasters and the like, happy days.