The suitcase man
Did you ever know anyone whose luggage came out on the conveyor belt first after a flight? I did. His name was Malcolm. A tall man with impossibly dry skin.
Every time he got on a flight his luggage was first out when he got to his destination. He would tell me this every time I saw him and I had to admit a certain amount of jealousy as my luggage was never first, or second, or even in the top 10. I’d say my bags came out somewhere between 93rd and 145th. Always.
Not Malcolm though. He’d position himself somewhere in the middle of the carousel and when the bags started coming he would wait patiently. People would stand and think ‘I wonder which jammy fucker’s bag this is coming out ahead of mine’, and when it came close he would step forward with a flourish, causing flakes of skin to drop to the floor like falling feathers, and off he’d go, smiling to himself.
In other areas he wasn’t so lucky though. Traffic, for example, was his nemesis. Whichever way he went traffic was heaviest. One day, when going to visit his elderly parents, he got stuck in a jam which had terrible consequences. A chip pan left on the cooker went on fire, burning the house down, agonisingly killing the poor couple who were found clutched together in charred death after 52 years of flame-free marriage.
Consumed with guilt at his late arrival, which cost his dear folks their lives, he decided to take a holiday to Northern Italy to clear his head. When he got there his bags were first to appear, as usual.
It’s funny how these things balance themselves out.
November 4th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Seems resonable that (k?)arma would pay him back for burning his parents alive.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:05 am
It’s all swings and roundabouts.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:06 am
HE MUST NEVER HAVE FLOWN WITH BRITISH AIRWAYS….LUCKY TO GET YOUR BAG AT ALL AFTER GOING THROUGH THIEF-ROW AIRPORT….
November 4th, 2009 at 10:14 am
cosmic balance innit. look at mugabe’s syphilis infected half-cock.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:26 am
eh?
November 4th, 2009 at 10:46 am
mugabe, he’s got syphilis and his cock has rotted off, this would account for his insanity.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:54 am
My bag came out first once, but there were only ten people on the flight so it’s not much of a victory. It was one of those scabby little puddle jumper planes which are just horrible.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:18 am
You had good odds there, in fairness. Have never been on one of those small planes. And happy to keep it that way.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:46 am
So his Samsonite would probably have been the first suitcase to bounce on the Lockerbie High Street.
(I’ll get my coat)
November 4th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Last bag on, first bag off or something.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:49 am
I have an instant cure for the nervous fliers among you. 10 minutes with me in a two-seater. You’ll never be afraid of commercial flying again. No matter how small the plane.
You might cark it if your aorta explodes or your blood boils mind you.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I thought it was going to be one of”da punz” – serves me right for trying to guess the song title as I read it. Da punz are really good fun by the way – with great endings, unlike Malcolm’s folks (and apparently Mugabe)
November 4th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
people who get their bags out first get what they deserve!!ll
November 4th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
business class ..first class ..bags off first
November 4th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
How was this fair, his bags are off first every time but his parents burned to death only once.
November 4th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I’ve a better cure for fear of flying. Sit under a tree.
November 4th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Why is it called ‘fear of flying’?
It’s fear of landing badly when you think about it.
November 4th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
If he’d just brought them both everywhere in a samsonite they’d be grand still.
November 8th, 2009 at 12:50 am
Flying can be like sex to some people. Like a pain in the arse.