It’s on
Posted on | November 3, 2009 | 31 Comments
Needing to print things, such as tax returns, is a tedious and painful business. I have found that topping up my ink cartridge with soot maintains a reasonable quality print-out. I haven’t bought a cartridge for some time, but having, at one stage, had more paper than Reads of Nassau Street I discovered yesterday that it is all gone.
Quite where it has gone is the kind of mystery that only Scooby-Doo could solve but the fact remains that my house is paperless. So off I went to the local shop to purchase some.
I went in, paid my extortionate €4.99 for a ream of low quality paper (stupid local shop), and at the same time purchased a stamp for I had a letter to post. After buying the paper I put it down on top of the ice-cream freezer, discovered that you no longer need to lick the back of stamps as they are now adhesive, walked out and posted the letter before I went home.
A short time later I decided to do my printing. But where had I left the paper? I couldn’t remember bringing it into the house. Arse. I had left it on top of the freezer in the shop. So back I went.
“Excuse me”, I said to the chap behind the counter, “I was in here earlier and I purchased some paper. However, I left it behind”.
“No”.
“What?”
“N0″.
“It was actually you who served me. I bought a stamp too, remember?”
“No”.
“I left the printer on top of the ice-cream freezer over there”.
“No”.
“Look, fair’s fair. That paper was horribly overpriced. I just left it behind me. You must have seen it. Can I have it?”
“Do you have receipt?”
“No”.
“Then no”.
“You served me”.
“Not me”.
“You are the only bloke in here today. Give me my paper”.
“No”.
“I want to see the manager”.
“I am manager”.
“Are you really?”
“No”.
“Then get me the manager”.
“Manager not here. I am manager when he not here”.
“I want to speak to the owner then”.
“No”.
“No?!”
“Owner not here. I am owner when he not here”.
“Are you going to give me my paper?”
“You have receipt?”
“I told you I don’t”.
“Then no”.
“I see. It’s like that, is it?”
“Yes”.
“Oh, now it’s yes?”
“No”.
I left with a flourish, sweeping dozens of magazines off the shelf and on to the floor. One old lady tutting at my behaviour but she didn’t know the full story. If she had she’d have given me a medal for not kicking the cunt right in his cunt.
But now it’s on. The magazines are just the start. I’m going to shoplift the ever loving shit out of that place. And if they ask me if I paid for that, I’m going to say “No”.
Then leg it.
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31 Responses to “It’s on”
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November 3rd, 2009 @ 10:34 am
you wouldn’t even need to do that.
just keep picking things up (while making as much mess as possible) and bring them to the counter , ask how much it costs, then say it’s too expensive.
Repeat with many items.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 10:36 am
Are you SURE you bought the paper?
..or are you just convinced you bought the paper,in which case you would’ve just looked like a bastard..
The brain can trick you sometimes..
November 3rd, 2009 @ 10:41 am
I definitely bought it and he definitely knew I bought it.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 10:44 am
Fair enough…
Petrol Bomb the place..
November 3rd, 2009 @ 10:51 am
Maybe someone opened the freezer and it fell in the other end. Then some kid came along and thought it was a huge slab of vanilla.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 10:55 am
stink bomb. let a stink bomb off in the back of the shop, buy another slab of paper and an ice cream* and walk out. position yourself across the road, un-wrap your icecream and enjoy.
*crisps will work here too.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 11:24 am
What a glorious cunt. I don’t understand how shopworkers can afford to antagonise their customers. I had the same situation yesterday when they forgot to put ham in my roll, even though I knew I’d ordered it. Fuckers.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 11:29 am
Did he not give you a receipt?
November 3rd, 2009 @ 11:32 am
I don’t think he did.
And how can you forget to put ham on a ham roll? Fucking shop assistant not being very assistanty cunts.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 11:34 am
All these Spars and Centras are owned by people we never see and staffed by people who come and go every few months. Shop workers don’t know their customers and don’t care. There’s no camaraderie, no respect, no patience. And somehow, sweetcorn always ends up in my sandwiches.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 11:36 am
Why not just take another ream of paper there and then and walk out with it? Save you going back to shoplift.
Or get your Italian friend to deal with him.
Anyone remember that episode of Cracker with Robert Carlyle as the Liverpool fan whose father had died after the Hillsborough crush and who set about seeking revenge by murdering 96 people, one for every victim of Hillsborough. He started with a “robbin’ paki bastard” shopkeeper.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 11:37 am
I didn’t want to point out that the ‘shopkeep’ was of Asian descent.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 11:41 am
Everytime you go in there again,ask for a receipt for everything,even the smallest stuff,hopefully you will get the owner/manager one of the times,when you are asking for a reciept for a penny sweet he may enquire as to why,then you can let loose on him..
November 3rd, 2009 @ 11:58 am
“I didn’t want to point out that the ’shopkeep’ was of Asian descent.”
We guessed it pretty quickly though.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 12:01 pm
At last a use for the HQ ‘Plague Of Locust” shoplifter Flash Mob!
November 3rd, 2009 @ 12:08 pm
Had an incident myself in a Hotel Car Park two weeks ago. The machine gave me no ticket on the way in so I went to the reception desk as there was nobody in the Car Park Security hut. The lady at reception said not to worry about it that I should just come back to reception when leaving and they would let me out. I went to reception when I was leaving and they had no cards and could not contact the guy at the security hut. Eventually they told me that there was now someone in the hut who would let me out. I went to the hut and the individual inside it then proceeds to tell me that I have to pay for him to let me out. I was having none of it. I reckon he was going to pocket the cash or something. I was willing to pay that morning when I approached the desk. I was adamant that I would not pay and he eventually let me out..Rant over:)
November 3rd, 2009 @ 12:37 pm
carlyle led some cop into a house through back alleys then stabbed and the cop was lost and couldnt let his people know where he was a bled to death, wicked scene.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 12:38 pm
I was getting invoices from a broadband provider for months for a service which I had cancelled. After several attempts to tell them to fuck off, I eventually invoiced them for my time dealing with them. I made the amount the same as their invoices. Got a letter to say the matter was now closed.
Basically, I was having a fight with a software package.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 12:40 pm
Ha, that’s brilliant – going to the shop to buy paper, then walking home without it! Then going back and walking home a second time without it. The “Asian” guy must be cracking up – what did you do your printing on? Sorry for laughing, but it is kind of funny…
November 3rd, 2009 @ 1:29 pm
Every time I have to deal with Indians as ‘service’ agents for large companies I want to smash the phone into little pieces. There’s obviously a Cunt Academy in Mumbai churning the fuckers out.
You obviously met an alumni of same, Twenty.
Oh, and Holemaster, these broadband providers know their agents are cunts and choose them for that reason.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 1:34 pm
I still haven’t done the printing, el cuno.
Yep, Crank. And the bloke in that shop is always giving out the wrong change too, the cunt.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 1:41 pm
There’s a little old lady in my local pharmacy who is always trying to short change people. And they don’t print prices on the products for sale. Penny pinching scrooge whore.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 3:26 pm
next time your there do a little rearranging.e.g. frozen chicken on coffee shelf etc.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 3:44 pm
If I were you twenty, I’d stand outside the shop for 5 – 10 minutes and inform any parent going in to the shop that you wouldn’t allow a kid go in there on their own. Say nothing else, then next time you’re in the shop give the cunt a knowing wink, that say fuck you Cunty.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 4:45 pm
Pooh in a plastic take-away container.
Parcel it in a box.
Put a fictitious address on it.
Place in carrier bag.
Take to shop and buy menial item.
Place bag on floor whilst scratching around for change.
Forget bag.
As he, the shopkeeper is an arse, he will presumably nab bag and contents.
Job done, or should that be Jobbie done.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 5:17 pm
NO TIKY, NO SUH.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 6:26 pm
I second Nobbie63′s motion…
November 3rd, 2009 @ 9:00 pm
Some sinister suggestions in this thread.
I like it.
November 3rd, 2009 @ 9:08 pm
Had some bitch from Eircom on earlier trying to find out if I was happy with my bill, and If I was interested in some new packages… She amde me feel as though she was doing me a favour by calling me and seemed peeved when I showed no interest…
PS we all look the same to them Asians…
November 4th, 2009 @ 12:14 am
You can wrap a good load of shit in newspaper and set it on fire in front of his doorway. He’ll come out and stamp his foot on it to extinuish it and the shit will shoot out all over his pants and feet and sidewalk. Or take a dump in ones of the aisle and walk out smiling.
November 4th, 2009 @ 1:34 pm
Are you sure ya didn’t put the stamp on the paper and then post the paper?!?
You could also go back and buy a new block of paper and then get a receipt and then return to say ya left your papper after you and now you have a receipt and also two blocks of paper!!