Everybody needs them
Posted on | October 14, 2009 | 82 Comments
I have new neighbours. This has left me twitchy and uneasy. I don’t like change, you see. My old neighbours were excellent neighbours. They kept themselves to themselves, I kept myself to myself. They were quiet and mannerly, two of my favourite things in other people.
From time to time we would have the odd chat about nothing much, neighbourly but not at all intrusive. At Christmas we would trade bottles of wine but there was never any suggestion that we should enter each other’s homes to drink them. I’d drink the bottle they gave me and they’d drink the bottle I gave them. It was the perfect neighbourly relationship.
However, they have now moved, down the country if you can believe that, and new people have arrived. Now, I think you all know I’m an open-minded kind of man, so I can overlook the fact that they’ve got a non-Dublin registered car. Maybe they bought it down there for a bargain price, it’s too early to judge them on that.
What I can judge them on though is the fact that they might have two cars and last night they parked their other car in a most haphazard, unthinking fashion so I could not park outside my house.
This does not bode well. Having scant regard for the long-established folk of a neighbourhood is not a good sign.
There is a shift in the universe and I do not like it. I shall, of course, let them know that the space in front of my house is not to be taken up with their other car, if indeed it is their other car and not just a friend staying over last night or something, and I shall expect full and unquestioning compliance with such a request.
Otherwise … well … it won’t be good. It won’t be good at all.
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October 14th, 2009 @ 10:52 am
I feel like a real rain is gonna come and…
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:09 am
At least you have Lucky as a last resort.
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:11 am
So you sat in the car and leaned on the horn until someone came out? And you just made angry face and gesticulated that your space was taken? And they made a ‘Sorry!’ grimace, went inside for the keys and moved their car? Then you reveed the engine aggressively and parked in an intimidating manner, slamming the car door shut before striding grumpily into your house, clattering the hall door closed behind you? Then falling on the hall floor in wild paroxysms of laughter?
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:12 am
No, I parked it down the road a bit.
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:19 am
I would have too, being polite is shite, isn’t it?
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:19 am
Here’s what you should do…
Get an orange cone, place outside the gaff, sit in the gloom of your living room with the lights off, watching through the net curtains.
Then, when someone moves your cone, come beetling out complaining about it.
Then get all red-faced and angry when your rightly told to insert your cone up your hole as you don’t own the road outside your gaff.
Sorted.
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:28 am
Have a Honda50cade in their driveway. Otherwise they will be wanting to come into your house to poo next.
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:29 am
Put a bib on Bastardface.
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:32 am
Buy and apply
http://www.amazon.co.uk/High-Security-Car-Wheel-Clamp/dp/B00126EACK
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:40 am
Nothing personal Twenty, but I can’t help wishing that they turn out to a shower of bastards, and a series of ‘tit-for-tat’ battles between you and them ensues.
It would make great reading.
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:46 am
Not much you can do Twenty. If you ask them not to park outside your house, they’ll brand you as the grumpy bollocks from next door, as they proceed to put tacky railings on the wall and one of those electrically operated gold and black knacker gates to make their house look all posh like. Norra mean?
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:48 am
JEEZ TWENTY – HOW MUCH ROOM DOES YOUR HONDA FIFTY TAKE UP ANYWAY???
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:48 am
I wouldnt judge them on one parking related incident.. you’ll end up bumping into them and having a polite chat and you can suss them out that way..
Or just light an oiled rag thats been carelessly left dangling from the pertrol cap..
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:50 am
All good suggestions. I’d rather not have the hassle of aggro though, despite the blog fodder it’d provide.
Gluey – it’s not so much the Honda 50 itself as the stereo sidecars.
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:54 am
What makes of car do they have Twenty? I can run it through the ‘Judge-them-on-their-motorcar-atron’
e.g. An Almera would suggest west of the Dodder, probably bought from Windsor motors car auctions.
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:59 am
PUTS ME IN MIND OF A RASTA PARTY I WAS INVITED TO. WHEN I ASKED HOW I WOULD KNOW THE STREET IT WAS ON THEY TOLD ME THAT WOULD BE NO PROBLEM TO FIND – THE TWO HOUSES JUMPING UP AND DOWN AT THE END OF THE TERRACE WOULD ACTUALLY BE THE SPEAKERS…..
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:01 pm
That explains the shouting then,hearing problems..
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:08 pm
Put your foot down now Twenty or else you will suffer next Spring when it is caravan time!
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:11 pm
I would kill those houses, Gluey.
HM – It’s a Jag. Or a Bentley. Or something. I don’t know which.
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:11 pm
Biggest bunch of fuckwits moved in two doors down. Students. But very stupid immature little bastards. Mostly girls. They run around the road shouting, and woohooing at all hours. One of them got locked out one day last week and banged on my door, waking the kids and asked for a lend of my phone. Told her to fuck right off and shut the fuck up. And that’s after finally sorting out the next door neighbours.
Have to get out of city center. Wouldn’t even be living here if you could have got a cunting taxi back from town years ago.
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:16 pm
Stupid taxis ruining our lives.
You dealt perfectly with the door-banging girl. Might I suggest some hot oil for next time?
And are you dead central?
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:22 pm
“Hello Mr West – I’ve locked myself out – mind if I come in and use your phone”
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:26 pm
Right Twenty, I’ll enter Jaguar (not very likely to be a Bentley).
Here we go… chug-chug-clank-bang-whirrrr-honk-wallop-clonk-wobble-around-a-bit-like-a-washing-machine-kadunk-kadunk-wind-down slowwww-rurrrrrh-stop.
OK here’s the results:
Jaguar: Executive class car brand now owned by Ford Motors of the US. Due to recent economic downturn, many Jaguars can now be bought for record low prices. Considering that Jaguars are generally considered to be a bit of a fat bald man’s car, the prices are even lower again. So anyone buying them now are getting a posh car for the price of a Mondeo a couple of years ago.
Verdict: Anyone buying a Jaguar now is a wannabe tosser with no taste.
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:32 pm
I’m not sure you needed my make of car to come to that conclusion about me.
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:39 pm
I’m saddened.
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:39 pm
>And are you dead central?
Yeah – on a road just off Dorset st. Extra security in every Centra. Lovely. Some nice neighbours that have been here a while. But all the ones in the rentals are total fuckers.
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:42 pm
And the landlords aren’t that discerning, I’d imagine.
Cheer up, HM. It’s not that bad.
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:45 pm
I’d guess Twenty is lexus man
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:46 pm
John, try chatting them up and being really sleazy around them. That’ll keep them well away. Worked for the local kids anyway.
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:53 pm
Haha..
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:54 pm
My cunting neighbours robbed my green bin on green bin day. (a very opportune time I suppose) They then returned it to the front of my house two weeks later, again on green bin day full of bags of dirty nappies and cunting horrible eastern european food jars (still containing the rancid eastern european foods)
And I am feeling very fucking racist all of a sudden.
October 14th, 2009 @ 12:58 pm
Sam:simply take a massive shit on their doorstep (after ringing the doorbell obviously)
no need for translators there..
October 14th, 2009 @ 1:00 pm
The bins outside my office were being added to by our neighbours. We called out Dublin City council. They went through all the rubbish and found enough correspondence to nail the culprit. It was the same prick who used to park in our front yard at the weekends.
October 14th, 2009 @ 1:05 pm
HM, I had to transfer all the crap into my black bin and did keep an eye out for some addressed evidence, but none was evident and I wasnt going to go rooting in the smelly stuff. I am not 100% sure which shower of cunts it is. I would like to add that the majority of houses in my estate are inhabited by very nice Irish people.
October 14th, 2009 @ 1:09 pm
Well in fairness, there’s plenty of Irish scumbags who do that shit too.
Have you tried hiding inside the Wheelie bin Sam?
October 14th, 2009 @ 1:21 pm
No, I am trying to be a bit Buddhist about the whole thing. I get excited about too many things as it is…
October 14th, 2009 @ 1:28 pm
I am trying to be a bit Buddhist about the whole thing.
Setting fire to yourself on their doorstep would be disproportionate Sam.
October 14th, 2009 @ 1:33 pm
heh
October 14th, 2009 @ 1:35 pm
you could set fire to the turd on their doorstep..baby steps..
October 14th, 2009 @ 1:38 pm
Put a fake CCTV camera on the bin.
October 14th, 2009 @ 1:41 pm
Sam in his Wheelie bin…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqzWL7vSLts
October 14th, 2009 @ 1:56 pm
Turn the green bin into a giant powerful jack-in-the-box/bin that wallops the unwary who open it.
October 14th, 2009 @ 2:03 pm
Great idea Conan – imagine opening a bin and having Mary Lou pop up!
October 14th, 2009 @ 2:03 pm
Twenty, I suggest parking your bike/car in half of their space and half in your own space, so that they can’t park. They’ll most likely ask you to move, with a message sent without having you having to say anything.. It’ll also be an opportune time to welcome them with a nice bottle of wine.
If this fails then let the war begin :)
October 14th, 2009 @ 2:49 pm
It’ll also be an opportune time to welcome them with a nice bottle of wine. across the side of the head.
October 14th, 2009 @ 2:54 pm
I had a very nice pensioner living next to me when I first moved in.
Marjorie was her name, she was hard of hearing and partially sighted.
We would exchange pleasantries and I would pop to the shops for her on occasion. The only peep out of her would be the tinkling of the ivories as she knocked out the odd tune on an old upright piano she had and very nice it was too.
All that changed when she died a year or so ago.
I now have a 25 stone single mother stomping about and her two kids who she bellows orders at from dawn ’til dusk……. “DANE!, TASHA!”
Life don’t talk to me about life.
October 14th, 2009 @ 2:57 pm
Shag her senseless divney, it makes sense.
Where is Lucky these days Twenty ?
October 14th, 2009 @ 3:02 pm
Hi Twenty,
Bit of a toughie there. Assuming the local council don’t have parking bye-laws where you live, not much can be done. I’d big problems with ‘neighbours’ a couple of years ago, who were parking in my way on purpose.
The sad cow next door even stood inside her sitting room window smiling out at me after getting the hubby to move a car so I’d have no space out on the road ( while their driveway – fits two cars – was empty ).
Assuming yerman with the Jag is a snob, you could greet him and say out loud ( whilst pointing at Jag. ) “They’re made in India now, aren’t they?” for all to hear.
October 14th, 2009 @ 3:24 pm
I take it the Jag/Bentley/(Daimler?) is a classic (possibly with a ZV… plate?). If it is a classic he’s paying €50 road tax for a four litre engine. Class.
October 14th, 2009 @ 3:55 pm
Just checked. It’s a BMW. I have drive less drunk in the future.
October 14th, 2009 @ 3:57 pm
Great … won’t be long until he has a breakdown so. Go on a DIY car mechanics course Twenty. Great way to get well in with them, and possibly steal his missus.
October 14th, 2009 @ 3:59 pm
“drive less drunk”
Riiiight, a drive without drunks in it is your right, as is your parking spot.
October 14th, 2009 @ 4:02 pm
I can’t do another check on the car make for you Twenty. The machine exploded after someone asked me to run a check on a Reliant Scimitar.
October 14th, 2009 @ 4:05 pm
Not so reliant then.
Sorry.
a drive without drunks in it is your right, as is your parking spot.
Quite so. I’ll have a little word with them later. I’ve just brought home a bottle of Woodford Reserve so I’ll have a go at that before I go over.
October 14th, 2009 @ 4:07 pm
HM, the Reliant Scimitar, distant relation of the Robin? And there I was going to ask you to check out a Jensen Interceptor.
October 14th, 2009 @ 4:46 pm
Jensen Interceptor is possibly the best ever car name. There is a couple of those knocking around Dublin.
October 14th, 2009 @ 5:28 pm
Yeah, my neighbour had one for a while – never drove it but you can guess where he parked it. Right outside my house. 7.3 litre V8 or something it was, looked sweet but did about 10 to the gallon, which probably explains why he never drove it.
October 14th, 2009 @ 5:39 pm
First fireworks of the year going off – little cunts.
October 14th, 2009 @ 5:41 pm
If they keep it up, you might consider turning your speakers wallwards for two or three hours every night. I have some inconsiderates next door to me, although they’re not quite so bad since i introduced them to the joys of Rammstein every day for a month. Let them know you’re doing it on purpose by turning it off for the same 5 minutes every hour.
October 14th, 2009 @ 5:41 pm
Ever seen of these mo-fos?… http://tinyurl.com/yztzuv9
October 14th, 2009 @ 6:09 pm
A badly parked car from down the country. Now who has just started driving for himself, after years been driven round everywhere? With no respect for his fellow man.
your fucked if it’s him.
October 14th, 2009 @ 6:56 pm
Twenty, let us know when the Gately moratorium is passed, will you?
October 14th, 2009 @ 7:31 pm
Twenty you must be from D12, Crumlin in particular! Where did you Crumlinians get this gripe with the little bit of space outside your house? I am not messing I used to live there and they never stopped moaning about the parking. Once I can park near my house I couldn’t give a shit who parked directly outside my house. I don’t live far from there now but the difference in my neighbours is amazing. There is no drama if your two front wheels are a few inches past the neighbours wall. They don’t cry if they have to park one house down.
I would like to clarify something for people, you do not own the footpath regardless of whether you paid for the “dip” in your path. Once the car is taxed and has a registration plate there is fark all you can do. Well maybe you could grow up and get over yourself.
October 14th, 2009 @ 7:37 pm
nonny back in form! Decision made then ?
October 14th, 2009 @ 7:48 pm
No Maggot, that was something that genuinely pissed me off. In fairness if I was Twenty and I wanted to put a stop to that the obvious thing to do would be to park out side there house and they will be forced to say it first, he can be all with the apologies and they will never park outside his house again.
And no pal no decision yet I’m ascared of giving up they money but I reckon I will hit the wall fairly quickly if I stay in my current position. Boo fucking hoo, me is soooo sooo sad, awe poor me…
October 14th, 2009 @ 7:50 pm
Hell, it’s a natural thing to be a bit concerned when there are new neighbours nonny.
October 14th, 2009 @ 7:53 pm
I mean, how would folks in the ROI feel if they woke up one day and the people of NI had done a flit and Albanians had moved in ? Or the Welsh ?
Love the fuss over Mother Teresa. I always thought she was Irish, of Tinker extraction ?
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2009/1014/breaking40.html
October 14th, 2009 @ 7:59 pm
Hello. OH my God, I didn’t realise you two were in here. Excuse me.
October 14th, 2009 @ 8:05 pm
heh
October 14th, 2009 @ 8:27 pm
Another suggestion Twenty – throw a party inviting all your friends from Rons and who come here – When people like Itchy, Morgor, Fill, Peadar and your wriggly chum here turn up the “For Sale” notices will be up in no time!
October 14th, 2009 @ 8:33 pm
My neighbours-
The single mother with three kids; she just SHOUTS at her kids all day; from dawn ’til dusk. Very sad. Last week the CONVERSATION went like this
Kid – Male – Aged about 8 – “I want my daddy”. Sniffle, cry.
Mother – “I know you fucking want him ****, he fucking doesn’t want you. His head is fucked up and “in the wrong place”
She’s dumping all her shit on her kid. The cycle goes on and on. I want to say something to her; my friends say to me, “say nothing scratchy.”
The one across the way is cool; just plays his guitar; the aer hostesses next door both are nice. Very nice in fact. They stay up late singing Abba songs very loudly but that’s cool with me.
Parking. Parking is a free-for-all in this country. Does that potato up an exhaust-pipe thing work? If not just torch it.
Or.
You could move down the country too.
October 14th, 2009 @ 8:34 pm
Are the air hostesses lesbians ? Can you get a Chuck Berry web can in there ?
October 14th, 2009 @ 8:41 pm
You beat me to it maggot, great minds, eh?
October 14th, 2009 @ 8:43 pm
Forget visiting Twenty, let’s go to itchy!
October 14th, 2009 @ 9:30 pm
maggot Says:
October 14th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Are the air hostesses lesbians ? Can you get a Chuck Berry web can in there ?
No, they ain’t lesbian. They’re Aer Lingus hostesses; they couldn’t be lesbian. Did Chuck do that? I will google.
maggot Says:
October 14th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Forget visiting Twenty, let’s go to itchy!
The invite is always there; the place is like fucking bomb hit it though. Bring a hoover.
October 14th, 2009 @ 9:50 pm
have a party Twenty,invite all of us,and at the end of the night we can go en masse to welcome them to the neighbourhood…..
October 14th, 2009 @ 9:50 pm
Neeeighboours everybody needs good neeeeighboours
That’s when good neighbooours becooome gooooooooooooooood friends
October 14th, 2009 @ 10:12 pm
Lassiters
October 14th, 2009 @ 10:57 pm
Just go to the door and mumble something about you being sent by the Community Alert/Residents Association followed by the ‘One House One Car’ policy, give and take, common courtesy etc. I’m sure you could muster up some old mumbo jumbo, on second thoughts just leave the car outside your house and take a bus for a few weeks, it might just save you a trip to casualty, because at this stage you really don’t know what or who they are.
Think of it as you giving your car squatter’s rights to the parking space, go on do the Plank proud.
October 14th, 2009 @ 11:00 pm
cant you just do the biggest phlegmiest gob onto the windscreen like anyone sensible would do?
October 15th, 2009 @ 12:27 pm
although, late.. I am with Supergrover. buy a house with a drive or get angry about something reasonable like dolphins, or NAMA. I once had to share a terrace with a house/family that had 4 cars. They spent most of their evenings and weekends with a lookout staring out of the front window, waiting for a space to free up they would then wobble quickly out the front door to get one of their fleet into the next closest space to their slum. Oooh the satisfaction i derived from parking my shed in front of their sad lives. Once left my Hillman Imp right outside their front door for a whole month. I’ve got a nice big long gravelly drive now. Its great;))
October 23rd, 2009 @ 5:45 pm
So twenty is there any progress on the parking situation? Have your neighbours succumbed to your way of thinking yet?