We were having a discussion about the merits of custard in Ron’s last night. Well it wasn’t so much a discussion. It went a bit like this:
Me – “Custard is completely ace. Anyone who doesn’t like custard is a cunt”.
Stinking Pete – “I don’t like custard”.
Me – “See?”
Honestly, there are things which normal people should like and any deviation from these things should make one suspicious of that person. Custard is one of them. Here are some others:
Football – I am most dubious about any man who doesn’t like football. Most dubious indeed.
Beer - I know a man who never drinks beer. He prefers Jack Daniels and Coke. He’s good man, for the most part, but there’s always that bit that makes you think ‘He doesn’t like beer. What the fuck is wrong with him?’
Toasted cheese sandwiches from a Breville sandwich toaster - They’re cheesey, toasty, triangly and with nice crunchy crusts. What the fuck more do you want?
Meat – it comes from animals who are made entirely of meat. It is delicious. A man who turns down meat in place of a ‘nice piece of fish’ or, God help us, a Quorn based meal of some kind makes my eyebrows twitch with skepticism. Now, I do like fish but fish love should not take the place of meat love. If animals were not meant to be eaten they’d be made of clay or some kind of substance which is as tasty as bark. Were there any cavemen vegetarians? No there were not. And look at how successful they were. We wouldn’t be here without them.
Boxer shorts - the wearing of briefs, y-fronts, thongs or any other kind of underwear shocks me to my very core. Of course there’s the whole ‘How do you know what underwear that chap is wearing?’ question, but this can be combined with Football. Even a man who plays football and then changes into a pair of paisley y-fronts after the game warrants some measure of disstrust.
The internet - “Ahh, I don’t bother with any of that old online stuff”. Words which should make anyone wary. Why not? The greatest source of information ever created at your fingertips and you prefer to do what? Refuse to play football while not eating a toasted cheese sandwich from a Breville sandwich toaster while drinking a Pimms eating a veggie burger wearing crap underwear, that’s what.
These might be just my personal foibles, feel free to share yours, but if you don’t like any of the above I’ve got my eye on you. If you don’t like them all then come the revolution you’re up against the wall.
I am always suspicious of people who are afraid to go into shops if there is nobody in there already.
The empty shop/restaurant thing is perfectly normal.
I am most dubious about any man who doesn’t like football.
And does the opposite apply to women ? Are your dubes tickled by a woman who professes to like football ?
(I’m assuming we are talking soccer, not bog-ball ? )
The empty shop/restaurant thing is perfectly normal
Indeed – look what happened to Bruce Willis when he went into that empty shop in Pulp Fiction.
I’d be very suspicious of any man who cared a jot about another man’s underwear, but I suppose it’s a ‘football’ thing, ahem, so I wouldn’t understand.
Vests, what the..?
Vegemite. Make mine a vegemite sandwich, please.
And anything made with a Breville kitchen implement is sure to be shite. It’s got to be made by that mighty Dutch company, Phillips. You know, the one that has all its implements made by those little slanty-eyed people over in the east.
BTW, fuck football.
Peep Show.
And what’s wrong with your friggin clock. It’s almost 7.15pm here. Fix it, Twenty.
boxers are fine for those who like to balance their little willy on the sharp crease in the middle, but for comfort, man sized support and having your nuts gently cossetted all day, nothing like y-fronts.
everyone should like motorbikes, the bigger the better. the only way motorbikes could be more manly is if they ran on beer and meat. did arnie say “i wan’t your clothes, your boots and your ford escort”? i think not.
I like playing football (kicking head-shaped things is always fun) but watching it is fucking boring. and people who follow English mercenary teams passionately are tools.
ie none of the players are from the area, (which isn’t exactly your hometown i’ll hasten to add.) they change constantly and they’re a pack of overpaid cunts.
Meat, hmm, yes meat is good, but it’s trumped by mashed potatoes in my book. or satay noodles.
Were there any cavemen vegetarians? No there were not. And look at how successful they were. We wouldn’t be here without them.
Hmm, you kinda need the whole agriculture thing with wheat and rice etc, or there wouldn’t have been much progress from caveman on (leading to beer and boxer shorts etc)
porridge, motorbikes are cool. y-fronts are definitely not. that’s a fact.
they can get away with not liking football as long as they like another sport, rugby or bog ball or stick fighting are all perfectly acceptable, to judge a man for not like “football” is very cuntish, who are you to go setting standards. sports in general thuogh, it’s in our genes to bay for blood (or a penalty awarded for hand-to-ball).
pink shirts, why? pink as a colour is for little girls or big girls who want to come across like little girls. why would a man wear pink? to prove they are comfortable with their sexuality? why do they feel the need to prove that?
all men should like MMA and the movie Shooter.
women wear boxer shorts. to paraphrase twenty “and then after the game changes into a pair of boxers his girlfriend wore that morning warrants some measure of distrust”. not good
I’m beginning to wonder about this whole religion thing.
Jesus, I couldn’t be bothered with that oul football shite. Apart from the fact that they’re just a pack of pussies kicking inflated rubber up and down a field, it’s the devotion, nay, obsession it generates that gets on my considerable man-tits the most. There’s nothing more disturbing than watching grown men cry and shout and yell and pay large sums of money to watch and follow these fools, none of whom give a toss about you and will ditch your beloved plc, I mean team, like a dirty skank the minute someone offers them a better pay cheque elsewhere.
I should be ok from your death squads though Twenty – I love beer, meat, boxers and t’internet.
Any man who finds no humour in poo is weird.
anyone who drinks coors light must be viewed with suspicion
any man who prefers cats to dogs is to be viewed with utmost contempt.
Anyone that doesnt like crunchy peanutbutter is to be watched with caution..
Any man that watches X-factor and on Monday Morning then asks
“Did you see your man on X factor??..”
“..No..coz im not a cunt..”
TWO OUT OF SIX AINT BAD!
two out of six is a turd
I’m with Morgor. For me football is the same as the exact same as computer games, great fun to play, boring to watch others playing.
I’m deeply suspicious of people who like crap movies. I can remember talking to a girl at some afterwork drinks thing. I had previously though she was perfectly normal and sound but then it came up that ‘Love Actually’ was her favourite film. I immediately put her in a box marked ‘others’.
Not a methoraphical box. There were 6 people in the box by the end of the night. I doused it in petrol – but then they managed to break through the soggy cardboard. Drat!
Are people who genuinely like shit movies worse than people who know a movie is shit but claim to like it because it’s shit?
they can get away with not liking football as long as they like another sport, rugby or bog ball or stick fighting are all perfectly acceptable, to judge a man for not like “football” is very cuntish, who are you to go setting standards. sports in general thuogh, it’s in our genes to bay for blood (or a penalty awarded for hand-to-ball).
pink shirts, why? pink as a colour is for little girls or big girls who want to come across like little girls. why would a man wear pink? to prove they are comfortable with their sexuality? why do they feel the need to prove that?
all men should like MMA and the movie Shooter.
I love watching people beating the living shit out of each other.(and indeed kicking the shit out of punch bags and very occasionally people).
soccer is gay though.
Pink is for fashionable poofs.
Shooter is awesome, violence + Monica Belluci, the hottest woman ever.
You should add “men who don’t like rock and/or metal” to the list.
“Are people who genuinely like shit movies worse than people who know a movie is shit but claim to like it because it’s shit?”
You might have a point there but I still think I’d rather be stuck in a room full of the former. But then I genuinely found Showgirls to be one of the funniest films I saw that year.
Latter! Latter! I meant latter! And now that I’ve said it three times latter has even less meaning than it already had!
I agree with twenty in his suspicions and furthermore my filipino girlfriend has introduced me to pork crackling at the filipino restaurant in abbey st across the road from easons and it is so delicious that it is a must have. So anyone who does not like pork is a complete cunt erm in my book ;-)
I always get suspicious of the man who walks past the urinals to have a piss standing up in trap 2.
Is he worried that his mickey is too big or too small?
What a cunt!
morgor monica bellucci isnt in shooter, kate mara is though and she’s not a bad substitute.
I am highly suspicious of grown men who sit downstairs on double decker buses; it’s okay if they are about 80 years old though.
Ah, i’m thinking of “shoot em up”
As me mam once told me “Never Trust a man who wears white shoes or doesn’t drink alcohol”
Anyone that doesnt like crunchy peanutbutter is to be watched with caution..
Disgusting crap for cunts.
Anyone who doesn’t like pizza is a fucking freak, I know one guy who doesn’t and he’s a sly cunt.
Also I can never understand guys who say they don’t like porn. Why?
I’m watching you Peadar…with caution
People who sit in the toilet cubicle next to you when there are 5 perfectly empty ones in the room..LET ME HAVE MY SHIT IN PRIVATE!!
“Also I can never understand guys who say they don’t like porn. Why?”
why lie you mean?
Pork crackling, sounds good. What’s the name of the restaurant?
And you protest too much, JB. You’re at home watching PS I Love You, aren’t you?
Yeah I suppose they must be lying. What’s there not to like?
Its the Cafe Manila, Abbey St. directly across the road from the side entrance of Easons. The pork crackling is called Crispy Pata. They also go in for noodles which I’m starting to appeciate over the normal “fried rice” I used to get with Chinese. How I’m not turning weird ;-) but if anyone likes pork you will defo like this stuff…
porn is degrading to women and is bad for those who watch it – rots the brain. Look at Nonny.
Now to retune my digibox – why do they keep tinkering with things that work OK ? Cunts.
“I always get suspicious of the man who walks past the urinals to have a piss standing up in trap 2.”
I will only use the urinal if it is the trough type, can’t cope with those fucking individual urinals, fucking splashbacks, if i want to be covered in piss I’ll just stay in the bar and piss myself.
I like peanut butter & Pizza, though not at the same time, love proper beer but prefer whiskey, JD is ok but prefer Irish, hate that scotch shit.
People who dislike football are Cunts, no doubting this, in fact proper blokes should like sport in general.
I prefer Fish to meat, it is lighter and allows me drink more afterwards, however if I’m at home and not drinking I prefer steak, CHICKEN IS NOT MEAT.
Boxer shorts are compulsory, though a thong in the right company, picture Mary Harney coming at you.
I distrust people who don’t drink coffee or tea.
There’s one like this in the office and all she drinks is water and juice.
She doesn’t drink alcohol as well.
And quit smoking.
There must be something really wrong with her.
With you 100% on meat and I would like custard but I fear it’ll get on my y-fronts.
Speaking of suspicious – One doesn’t often hear gayish innuendo on this blog but this post has turned out tree corkers:
“Now, I do like fish but fish love should not take the place of meat love.”
“boxers are fine for those who like to balance their little willy on the sharp crease in the middle,” (if referring to professional boxers)
“porn is degrading to women and is bad for those who watch it – rots the brain. Look at Nonny.”
pink shirts ….. love em
anyone who doesnt curse I think is very strange ….its self expression .. get it out of the system
also lads at school that prefered space lego over the nromal lego … says I on the playground “watch that young fella he plays with the space lego”
My ol’ pappy told me “never trust a man as wears a suit to work”. Always stood me in good stead
also i dont trust people who have blogs …
what the fuck is that all about … the bloggy bobby hunters
heh, FG.
distrust people who don’t drink coffee or tea.
Yes. I know one of those very well and he is a distrustful character indeed.
I’m not sure you’re doing the custard thing right, Conan.
Now, I do like fish but fish love should not take the place of meat love.
You should write for ‘Allo ‘Allo, LtY, your ability to make a double entendre out of nothing is …
… oh.
I’m suspicious of folks who don’t like dogs and cats. A petless home is not a real fucking home.
Ive also come across people that dont find blackadder funny ???? very strange indeed
oh yeah people who dont drink, they’ll go out alright but normally just to observe, to take noteS and to judge, look at them judge.
also people who facebook A LOT. what are they up to?
Bobby Hunters – excellent!!
“I distrust people who don’t drink coffee or tea.
There’s one like this in the office and all she drinks is water and juice.
She doesn’t drink alcohol as well.
And quit smoking.”
Don’t you just hate people like that? Trying cracking a dirty joke near her and see what happens…
Trying cracking a dirty joke near her and see what happens…
..A visit from Sexual Harrassment Panda i’d bet..
Men who have an excess of footwear. For clarity’s sake an “Excess” being more than say 6 pairs inclusive of wellington boots.
Custard. Yum. I’m going to have to make up some Bird’s custard for dessert now.
Football: My husband watches American football, but only the Jets. I don’t understand the game myself, too much stopping and starting.
Beer: Guinness. None of this light beer stuff.
Toasted sandwiches: Try…grilled cheese with crispy bacon interspersed between the slices of cheese…
Meat, yes, but it has to be served with a healthy portion of well-peppered and salted mashed potatoes.
Boxers v. briefs. I prefer the former on my husband but he claims the latter are more comfortable…
The internet. Excellent source of instant information…especially when one cannot remember who was it in that film with whatshername…..
“..A visit from Sexual Harrassment Panda i’d bet..”
Lol not in this office you’d be thrown out if you weren’t a little bit whacky…
Lol not in this office you’d be thrown out if you weren’t a little bit whacky…
..alot of “Comedy” neck-ties being worn then? ..heh
I’m surprised this hasn’t been added to the list already.
- Anyone who votes for Fianna Fail
Anyone that says that Coir gives the Catholics a bad name..
Believing that Jesus turns into a biscuit gives the Catholics a bad name,well that and all the abuse and guilt..
I’m with you on all but none of the above, especially the football one. There’s a conversation stopper if ever I heard one. Worse still is someone who’ll occasionally watch the odd rugby match but isn’t really into sport.
What is the point of buying a Sunday newspaper if you don’t like sport?
“..alot of “Comedy” neck-ties being worn then? ..heh”
Anyone caught wearing a tie in this office would be hanged we’re not that type of office…death to the infidels…sorry got a bit carried away there :P
What is the point of buying a Sunday newspaper if you don’t like sport?
But Amanda Brunkers column is really well writ…oh..
Any man who doesn’t love Honey Cheerio’s, being half-drunk watching Jools Holland and late night battered sausages or doner kebabs (plural), deserves his censure and boycott. ( and if you want, all fucking three together works )
Never trust a man that turns down a booty call from a durty ex at 2am on a Sunday morning whilst devouring a beef and black bean.. silly cunt!
Men who wear thongs. Real men would never wear thongs. Only a cunt would walk around all day digging string out of his ass. Even thinking about it is annoying.Ugh! Trannies don’t count, they ain’t real men.
People who hold in their sneezes are obviously highly repressed and not to be trusted. Not that I’m advocating spraying everything within gobbing distance, but a simple hanky over the mouth should allow a certain release.
Every time I see some poor frigid lass hold her nose and make a short violent ‘Hep!, I gringe to think of the damage she’s doing to her eardrums.
What is the point of buying a Sunday newspaper if you don’t like sport?
Eoghan Harris ? Or is he a cunt ?
Believing that Jesus turns into a biscuit gives the Catholics a bad name,well that and all the abuse and guilt..
Isn’t it the other way round, the biscuit doing the turning ? Can the Devil change things ? Maybe (ex) Bishop Lahey can try that for his defence ?
Yes, Eoghan Harris is a cunt.
Depending where I am I sometimes hold in my sneezes. I have very, very loud sneezes.
Morgor:Yep,you are right..
I think the Devil turns into Jagermeister (i could have that the wrong way around though)
And wrong thread purists !
Was just checking the BBFC site a came across this movie coming soon.You might was to book your seat for the premier..
21 Aug THE COVE
Contains real footage of dolphin killing
Louie Psihoyos Louie Psihoyos,Hayden Panettiere,Joe Chisolm
Yes!
Heh..thought you’d like that
people who drink beer from the bottle in public and people who pour canned beer into a glass in private.
What is the point of buying a Sunday newspaper if you don’t like sport?
For the eh… i don’t usually buy the sunday newspaper.
oh another one for the list – people with “fanny packs”.
As a Barworker, who is subjected to the drone of live soccer for almost half of my working week, i find the “homosexual gynacologist syndrome” kicks in come my days off…
Also, was in the cinema during the day one time. It was almost completely empty and a person came in and sat right fucking beside me.
And on the internet, while I’m at it, Jackie Mason had an interesting take on it.
“can you imagine if it happened the other way around and computers were invented first? Then somebody came up with the idea of the newspaper?
Look for a quarter you get the same thing, and you can take it in the toilet!”
So anyone who does not like pork is a complete cunt erm in my book ;-)
thats the mossies and jews taken care of then
There’s something deeply untrustworthy about a grown man who crosses his legs when he sits down.
Men who watch Big Brother are complete cunts and should be viewed with extreme disdain in fact any form of reality TV is shit – unless it’s called “Skewering Mary Harney” or “Violating Bertie Aherne”.
Anybody who votes Fianna Fail is def a cunt.
People neurotic about washing their hands after a pee – I mean, it’s your own wiggie FFS.
ANYONE who watches Big Brother, surely is a complete cunt.
Apart from the soccer which at the pro level is populated with metro nonces with no cop on .
Yer right.
Rugby a lot more honest.No gaying around on the ground.If you go down its bad.
Fake blood cunts excepted from above.