Hahaha, I am laughing, but it’s a laugh of not glee

Sometimes the morning paper reads like a comedy print-out. Not quite funny enough to the The Onion but Irish enough to make you laugh. For example:

Siptu seeks 3.5% pay increase for health staff.

Brilliantly execution of the classic ‘Everyone else is struggling but fuck you, we want a pay rise gag’. At a time when everybody can see that cuts in public sector spending are essential to any recovery, SIPTU want more cash for possibly the worst run agency since Charlie’s Charlie Angels sold blow from above a chipper in Coolock.

I think it’s the subtlety of it that makes me giggle so. And the fact that nobody has yet caved in the heads of these union chiefs.

Next up:

Lenihan expresses ‘frustration’ at not yet seeing bankers in jail

Now this is a work of discerning wit, no doubt about it. A man whose government facilitated, enabled and positively encouraged bankers to behave the way they did, knowing full well what they were up to, expresses ‘frustration’ that they haven’t been sent to jail. What’s funny about this is that we know that Lenihan has no intention of sending any of them to jail, except perhaps the odd immigrant teller who will be exposed as the sinister mastermind behind the whole thing.

“Your honour, it was Prince George Murphy II, from Nigeria, working in Permanent TSB in St Stephen’s Green, who was directly responsible for the demise of Anglo Irish Bank and certainly not their directors who fiddled books, broke rules, made fraudulent transactions, propped up the property bubble, lied to everyone and cost the taxpayer billions”.

It’s the kind of stuff Adam Sandler can only dream of.

Cóir plans to monitor polling and box seals

There are things in this world you can trust. The sun rises in the east, sets in the west. The sky is blue, grass is green, Damien Rice is a warbly annoying cuntspanner and Cóir are unquestionably the most honourable, dependable and reputable people in this whole Lisbon campaign.

I mean let’s forget about the fact they’re right wing catholics, let’s forget about the fact they hate women, gays and immigrants. Let’s ignore their lies, their scare tactics, their disinformation. Let’s ignore the pasts of the people involved in Cóir. Let’s look aside as the links to the despicable Youth Defence are brought to the fore and let us implicity trust the motley crew of mentalist, pencil licking helpers, they’ll have at the polling stations on Friday as they ‘monitor’ the amount of votes cast.

This is like that hilarious film Sideways where they go around touring vineyards. You don’t really give a shit what happens once they all die in the end, the tedious cunts.

The morning paper, I love it.

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