Splodge, one of the regulars in the bar, came in last night for a couple of quiet pints. We got to talking and it turns out he got a new dog. It’s a Doberman crossed with Bichon Frisé. He’s a happy go lucky puppy, chewing things, yelping, peeing on the carpet, crapping everywhere and doing all that other adorable puppy stuff.
“There’s just one problem”, he said to me.
“What’s that?”, I asked.
“Well, he’s completely and utterly racist”.
“Racist?”
“Yeah. I have a racist dog. I have this Ukrainian cleaning lady. She’s only got three fingers on her right hand but she does a good job all the same. Anyway, Enoch, that’s the dog’s name, doesn’t like her one bit. She went to pet him the other day and she nearly lost the fingers she had left”.
“That doesn’t prove he’s a racist dog though”.
“Not on its own. But I took it out for a walk the other night and who should I bump into only Lucky Luciano. He was pushing the three babies he had while his wife rabbited on at him in Italian. So we stopped for a little chat and when Lucky’s wife tried to rub him on the head he just growled and snarled”.
“Maybe he just doesn’t like the Italian language”.
“No. When Lucky said ‘Haha, a stupid a wife not have a the same way with a the animals like a me’ and rubbed under Enoch’s chin he took a bite right out of his forearm. I had to drag him away while Lucky was shouting about assissinating the shit out of my dog”.
“And it’s only foreigners that he’s got this problem with”.
“Absolutely. Postman, Irish, not a hassle. Let him rub his belly. Licked and slurped him. Bloke from Poland trying to get me to make the big swtich to some crowd or other, hostile and bitey. Mrs Branigan down the shops, loves her. Mrs Branigan’s workmate, Floella from Lagos, wants to eat her flaps”.
“Wow”.
“I’m not really sure what to do but as you’ve had a vicious bastard of a dog for years I thought you could offer advice”.
“Hmmm, well Bastardface is just vicious. Not a racist. He hates everyone equally”.
“Oh”.
“Maybe, and I know this is a long shot, calling the dog Enoch is the problem. It’d put you in mind of Enoch Powell, and he was no fan of immigration. The old ‘rivers of blood’ and what have you. Maybe through some weird mystical process calling the dog Enoch is channeling the racist spirit of Enoch Powell”.
“It’s crazy but it makes some kind of sense. So I just need to change his name to something else and he’ll stop being a completely racist dog”.
“It’s worth a shot”.
“Any suggestions?”
“How about ‘Ted Bundy’?”
“Sounds cuddly”.
“Yeah. Yeah it does”.
That dog’s like a canine Versailles treaty, it’ll never work out.
I doubt the Germans will accept full responsibility for Enoch
my dog is racist.
Is it a bitch? Maybe your dog and Splodge’s dog could make puppies and they’d be double-racist.
I’d never heard of Enoch Powell before.
That speech you refer to was from 1968…
Sounds like an interesting chap, apparently learned ancient greek at the age of 5. (which seems a bit ridiculous)
Maybe it’s not the kind of Greek you’re thinking of …
My dog, Idi Hitler is fine, as long as I keep him away from any Ugandan Jews that might be knocking around.
Sensible. People get so uppity about being bitten or gassed to death or politically oppressed by a dog these days.
An angram of Enoch Powell is ‘Well, hep coon?’
Or
Chew One Poll (nearly Pole)
Maybe it’s not the kind of Greek you’re thinking of …
I can’t think of any other type of Greek.
Is this some sort of rhyming riddle? Greek -> bubble and squeak?
Of course Enoch Powell never actually mentioned any rivers of blood, and the famous speech mostly was him quoting a concerned constituent, but no harm in pandering the myth that he was a racist old cunt rather than the reality that he was a concerned constituency politician who represented his black constituents very well, and whose predictions of civil strife if society didn’t hold a debate on immigration ended up accurate almost to the year.
Perhaps that dog should be renamed after some real racists. Please allow me to suggest some names of racists I know:
Patrick, Sinead, Miceal, Anna, Daithi.
Classic psycho-something Twenty. The dog is conflicted. The Bichon Frisé seeks to love and cuddle but the Doberman represses and contains . Splodge, by naming it Enoch, has empowered it’s dark side. A Doberman/ Rottweiler cross would maim and butcher without bias. It’s the racist Splodgeseses fault.
You and your facts, Skinner.
Patrick, Sinead, Miceal, Anna, Daithi.
Who are they then? Daithi in particular sounds like a real racist.
Is he related to Podger from Athlone?
They’re racists I have encountered in recent times.
And you’re spot on about Daithi. Fecker changed his name from David because he reckoned it ‘sounded like a Jew name.’
He’s pleasant to migrants too, needless to say.
changed his name from David because he reckoned it ’sounded like a Jew name.’
heh, seriously?
thats the non-racist Enoch who fucked around with various whacky unionist causes up North then?
Seriously, 20. I kid ye not.
@Beers: Depending on how whacky you consider the Ulster Unionists to be (and in my experience they’re the most po-faced, least whacky people on Earth) then yes.
Anyone who changes their name from David to Daithi is not just a racist but probably a rapist too.
Benedict sounds like a hood name for a racist dog.
Daithi should probably be bumraped as a preemptive measure. Prevention being better than cure and all that
There’s an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm with a racist dog. Brilliant stuff.
Benedict sounds like a hood name for a racist dog.
Like for a rapper’s dog?
I’m sure Daithí Lacha was racist, his exhortation “Aililiú!” was the Fíorgael equivalent of Zieg Heil!
Call the f*ker Unock, that will have all the other dogs laughing at him and that little poodle he had his eye on down the road won’t bid him the time of day.