Commission on Taxation
The report of the Commission on Taxation is launched today. New measures introduced will be a property tax which everyone must pay if they so much as look at a property. Those who actually own one and have been taxed to the fucking hilt already with stamp duty will be pleased to know that their hilt is going to take another pounding. They’re not just going to ‘put the tip in’, a wise man often said, it’s going all the way. And it’ll be sore.
Water tax. As we live on an island where it rains all the time water is a scarce commodity. There’ll be a 20c increase in bottles of water that you get in shops that are just tap water run through an industrial sized Brita filter while all showers in Ireland are to become coin slot operated costing €1 a minute.
A new rate of income tax will be introduced. This rate, to keep things simple, will be called ‘ALL’.
A carbon tax will mean that the Greens can look back in years to come and say ‘Well, people accused us of being soft. Of being Fianna Fail’s puppets. Of going back 0n every principle we ever had just to hang on to that little bit of power which we so greedily suckled on, like it were some magic teat. Yet in the end did we not do our bit for the environment? Did we not care for ozones and stratospheres and mesospheres and invisible stuff at the expense of people who did not give the slightest shit about them? Yes, we did. We made life even more expensive on the back of a foolish belief that it was everyone’s duty to care for the planet. That ‘Gaia’ needed us to care for it, thus making the outrageous, self-indulgent assumption that we weren’t the first of many bacteria to have dwelt on this vast rock and that we couldn’t just be wiped out in a second for everything to start again in another form. At least we did that”.
Use of the sun to see, grow crops or to not plunge into another ice-age will be regulated and taxed appropriately.
Car owners will be subjected to a new ‘wheel levy’ of €200 per wheel per annum while the ‘tyre tarrif’ is expected to raise enough money to bail out 15 property developers per annum.
Air Duty is to be discussed with a proposal that impositions are paid on the basis of lung capacity.
Anyone wishing to emigrate must pay a €3,999.99 departure tax.
Someone wake me up when I’m poor enough to be lying in an alley drinking paint stripper with no idea what’s going on apart from the fact this bottle of paint stripper is a fine vintage.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Twenty, I hate to point this out, but you have forgotten the ’shag tax’
September 7th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Don’t forget the Having-no-Income Tax – a new tax for all those people with no income. Works like a state overdraft until you are employed again, then it gets deducted from your wages at source (with interest).
September 7th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Shag tax. But isn’t tobacco taxed enough already?
Conan – it’s a great leveller, that one.
“Assumed dependents tax”, you have to pay for the kids you might have.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:21 am
I blame the Knights. Bastards.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Knights?
September 7th, 2009 at 11:40 am
The We-know-you-must-be-doing-nixers Tax.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:41 am
A country that lived on a credit binge is waking up to the fact it must pay for it.
Its going to be fucking unpleasant for us all folks.
And I want to see the cunts who mismanaged goverment and banking suffer more than most.
The only thing on their minds was staying in power and making more bonuses not what they were ment to do.Govern and run a business prudently.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Knights of Saint Columbanus.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:52 am
My Da was one of those. Had robes and all. Never knew too much about it.
He wouldn’t exactly have been the evil scheming type, though. More of a gentle, pleasant chap.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:57 am
not long finished reading “Spiked Church-State Intrigue and the Rose Tattoo” – worth a look!
September 7th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
You forgot about the worst consequence of all this.Eamonn Keane milking the shit out of it for the next 2 weeks! Jesus wept!
September 7th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Knights of Saint Columbanus.
They were awesome. Like really crap Jedis.
September 7th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Played in the same league as the OO and the KKK.
September 7th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Rose Tattoo – great band
Let’s not forget the blood tax – €800 per litre per annum sounds reasonable to me
September 7th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I hope they don’t bring in a wank tax.
September 7th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
why aren’t people from the south pouring over the border to the dirty north in their thousands? It ain’t great but it;s gotta be better…..I look forward to hundreds of Dublin boat people arriving in Belfast lough like the Vietnamese boat people of old….
September 7th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Manuel, visited County Asda on Friday. Only a matter of time before we get a border crossing levy down here. £1 buys you €2.50 worth of goods in the Republic of Taxes.
September 7th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Have to smile when I remember that the strongest case advanced for Irish Unity not that long ago in the days of the Celtic Tiger was the the North was missing out on the wealth enjoyed in the ROI.
September 7th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
When will they introduce a tax on Denis O’Briens who bribe government officials to win mobile phone licenses despite the fact that competing bids were more advantageous to the state and involved more experienced operators?
When are we going to line them all up against a wall and fucking shoot the cunts who rape and pillage their own fucking country on a daily basis?
I’m in a bad mood today.
September 7th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Story goes that a golf club hiked up its fees one year and sent a circular to its members: new subscription would be €5,000 “per anum”. Member writes back: I note that fees are now €5k “per anum”; do you not think it’s bad enough that all these years we’ve been paying through the nose?
September 7th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Won’t there be a paint stripper tax too?
September 7th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I won’t care if there is. I’ll be off my face on paint stripper.
All our anums are in use now.
And I really think the lining up and shooting stuff is the way forward. As we regress to a less civilised society due to our extreme poverty that kind of mindless, violent and bloody entertainment is exactly what’s needed.
Then we start crucifying people again.
September 7th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Fair enough
September 7th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Holemaster, want a hug?
September 7th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
What about the tax on blogging? Would make a fortune. Tweeting costs double.
September 7th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Cod is anum duit?
September 7th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
The bogroll tax – If you don’t fancy using a copy of the daily star or a spoon, you’ll have to shell out 10 quid a roll from now on.
September 7th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Maxi, you thanks. I don’t want to be stabbed in the groin.
September 7th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Shit, I meant NO thanks
September 7th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Surely a fart tax wouldn’t be unreasonable.
Methane is a green house gas after all.
September 7th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
How about a ‘Fat Bastard’ tax? It may not deliver huge immediate returns, but the future looms large. Very large. All our most popular brands are chocolates, fizzy pops, sausages, potato chips and beer..
http://www.independent.ie/business/irish/consumers-love-affair-with-brand-names-hit-by-recession-1879836.html
I like how they called themselves ‘Checkout’ magazine. And sure who wouldn’t be checking out after bingeing on all this crap. Fat bastards.
September 7th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
I’m pissed off! It’s got to the stage now that with all the taxes/levy’s and all the expenses involved in working (tolls, fuel etc) that I’m no better off than if I was on the Dole. At least I’d have 8 hours a day to do with what I wanted. Well fucking done Brians! Please justify that to me.
September 7th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Holemaster, I promise to strap it down.
Mowl, let’s not have a Fat Bastard tax. If we had a moan-but-do-nothing about it tax, the country would be fucking minted over night.
September 7th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Of course when they raised the betting tax by another 1% the bookies claimed that they couldn’t afford it, the poor bastards. So they lobbied until the government reversed their decision.
There wasn’t a fucking word about this from the opposition. So they’re all up to their bollix in the racing industry.
No one needs to gamble yet the corrupt fuckers who want to tax us back to the dark ages (bring back window tax anyone?) would rather tax things we need, like food, clothes, heat, light etc.
I fucking despair.
September 7th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Maxi granted we could make a fortune on the moaning tax, but the suppliers to the fatties of this and the next generation clearly want to hang on grimly to their fat cunt clientele..
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/8241056.stm
September 7th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Later the government will be levying a variety of novelty taxes so that we can all have a good chuckle while seeing or life savings disappear into shyster bailouts. These will include a taxation for lumberjacks, a new tax for office equipment and pinboard use and as Maxi and Ass-p-U rightly pointed there will be a tax for using bogroll and venting your scrotum.
These will be respectively referred to as the Ax Tax, the Fax Tax, the Tacks Tax, the Cacks tax and of course the sack Tax.
September 7th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
I’d hate to see Cadbury swallowed up by the Yanks – a great Quaker company that were in their day revolutionary employers – Bourneville village etc.
John Cadbury led the campaign to stop sending boys up chimneys and founded the Animals Friend Society, a forerunner of the RSPCA.
September 7th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Would going to the toilet necessitate a Jacks tax?
September 7th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
In other news…
Conor Lenihan has suggested a blacks tax.
Linen manufacturers fear a flax tax.
Tayto lobbying againt the Snax tax.
Bin Laden appalled at suggested terrorist attacks tax.
September 7th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Maxi’s feared masturbation tax might be the Whacks Tax and provided it was successful it would be followed by the Climax tax. This could be the result of fantasizing about large breasted girls paying their Rack tax.
Sorry I’m overdoing it..where do I pay my Wisecrack Tax?
September 7th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Does the government get that we hate them already, what moron is gonna try implementing a fart tax? Perhaps Lenihan will collect it at source? Wouldn’t Harney be better at that tho?
Twenty’s offering paint stripper for all, and a ring-side seat at his ditch to witness the carnage!
Seriously tho, isn’t the problem that all sorts of taxes are based on consumption, and clever citizens have voted with their pocket books already by not spending… the report doesn’t seem to get that issue.
September 7th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Why not tax stuff we want to see less of instead of stuff we need like property and water…back hair tax, untidy pubes tax, unsightly rash tax, tax for stupid looking cars with more than one exhaust and pointless handly things,big knicker tax,etc
September 7th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
I heard Brian Cowen is a member of the ACC Bank ‘Golden Circle’. Wonder how that Garda investigation is going.
September 8th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
This post is a good example why I fucking can not stand Obama – most if not all of his “programs” – logical conclusions (there is a OxyMoron for ya – in that the only logical conclusion is that the whole fucking thing is illogical) will be a bridge to this same tax everything situation.