So that railway bridge that collapsed the other day. Miracle that nobody was hurt, eh? Could have been Ireland’s biggest tragedy since John Waters wrote our Eurovision song. Blah blah blah.
Irish Rail are promising an investigation to find out what happened. Fair enough. I can save them the bother though. I was listening to their chap on the radio this morning. They have an inspection with divers every so often. The last one took place in 2006 and the recommendation was another one wouldn’t be needed until 2012. That must mean everything was ship-shape. Not even the hint of a problem.
The line is inspected three times a week yet nobody saw anything wrong with it. The conclusion you’d have to reach is that something catastrophic happened in a very short space of time. Almost as if it were sabotage. Almost as if someone wanted the bridge to collapse with lots of people on it. Lots of chunky, delicious people.
Yet not one newspaper, not one radio station or TV station, not one tedious fuckbag journalist who writes an article about Twitter just to slag off bloggers, not one intrepid reporter has made the link. Idiots.
The mild summer has seen an increase in dolphin activity in Irish seas yet this fact is conveniently overlooked by the dolphin loving hacks. It’s as plain as day. The bridge was systematically targetted by dolphins to bring about its destruction and the death of as many people as possible.
If the train had fallen into the water you can be sure there would have been a swarm of dolphins and people would have thought ‘Hurrah! Our squeaky friends are here to save us!’. They would have been wrong. They would have been herded out to sea, gang raped, then eaten.
Unfortunately for these most wicked of sea creatures the plan failed and the train made it to safety. If I were in power now I would be doing checks on everything coastal. Bridges, piers, even our highways – it’s not implausible to think that dolphins are using narwhals to tunnel under roads to cause them to collapse into the ocean.
Personally I’m staying inland until we’re sure the coast is clear. I bet they’re even targetting ferries and hovercraft and every other vessel that carries people on water. Fishermen best be careful. Pleasure boaters and yachters also.
You can call me a crackpot if you like but the evidence is mounting, the threat of dolphins is real. They are our Al-Qaeda and should be wiped out in a bloody, Japanese fisherman style frenzy.
Ignore them at your peril.
I think you’re on to something there Twenty.
It’s the only logical explanation.
How can they not see it?
http://tinyurl.com/nhr8og
I am grateful to our porpoise friends for this act of terrorism as I get 3 months with no trains blasting past my gaff.
The missus is a little cheesed off, though, as she now has to get a feeder bus to Malahide and then a train. Can she now legally kill dolphins?
i for one would like to welcome our new seaborn overlords and as a trusted member of the community could be useful in rounding up other humans to do their bidding.
It’s obvious when the facts are put like that.
We should nuke the ocean from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
We should just hire some Mercenay Tuna Fisher men and their heroic drift nets…that’ll sort it out..
Everyone knows from watching ‘Flipper’ that the dolphin’s only natural
enemy is the shark. What’s required here is an intensive Great White Shark
breeding programme to take place in and around Irish coastal waters.
It’s the only green alternative to troublesome dolphin activity.
I love the shark idea. Sure a few kids on red lilos would get eaten at Brittas Bay but it’d be for the greater good.
“The last one took place in 2006 and the recommendation was another one wouldn’t be needed until 2012.”
I think you’re missing the slack fucker explanation… The world’s due to end in 2012, so they figured “Why bother” and thus scheduled the next one for that date. Typical.
Who says the world is going to end in 2012? That’s just what the dolphins want you to believe.
If this doesn’t show us that we need jet packs and other airborne personal transport systems then I don’t know what will
I’m just curious, but does anyone know who it was that actually built the bridge, and when? And how come they haven’t been named, investigated, or referred to during the last few days?
Dolph Lundgren is their Pontiff on land, and it’s known he has special powers. You must have seen Dolph in Masters of the Universe, says it all, doesn’t it?
”Personally I’m staying inland until we’re sure the coast is clear. ”
Can’t wait for your next instalment ‘Twenty Major – still smoking in Roscommon Bars’.
Hah, not that far inland.
Conan – that makes perfect sense. His square jaw, his cold, dead eyes. His throbbing dorsal fin.
Mowl – no idea who built it. Red Indians I hope. Just coz that’d be cool.
Or the designer Leslie Ann Scott, creator of Jenga
heh
I hear they’re contacting balsa wood manufacturers all over the country to get it fixed asap
Twenty, I’d head up to the Hellfire Club, or higher, because (as previously discussed) the dolphins’ global warming project will raise sea levels by a few hundred feet and submerge most of the country.
Oh they do like to condescend, don’t they? Those at the Sunday Times…
Dolphins want to kill us? What would be the porpoise of that?
It’s their fin-al solution
There’s something fishy about this.
That flipping Snorky, he’s behind this.
When Scottish dolphins have kids, are they called Dolphins Bairns? Or is this a bridge too far?
Oh God … but heh
I take it that dolphins set up oceanfree.net to trap the unwary?
Mary Harney and Biffo were obviously the last commuters before the bridge fell.
I eat eat those mama’s….cracking open a tin of dolphin-unfriendly tuna. he he he
The word went around that there was a ‘buy one get one free’ offer on blocks of lard in Newry.
Keep an eye open for narwhales. Those ole boys will bugger you to death with that big long horn they have on their heads. Now that’s really getting screwed.
It would make a nice change to get a good raping from a nice friendly doplhin than the usual ass fucking off the government in this overpriced swamp.
Bastards. I’ve been clubbing them and eating them for years, but they just keep coming back, don’t they? Must be those US military dolphins that buggered off once they set them free after years of training. If we could decipher a snigger from a marine animal, dolphins would be right up there. So long, and thanks for all the fish, ye planks!
For fuck’s sake, no one told me this was on the rail line to get to Belfast! How the hell am I supposed to get to Norn Iron now?!
Helicopter is the only way in.
Ooooh, sounds pricey. Guess we’ll just have to settle in the Free State; the Spouse Sparrow ought to get a real kick out of that, hahaha.
Beware of Worn Iron on way to Norn Iron.
Sex them up as a delicacy from Japan, and they’ll be extinct soon enough… oh. wait. they already are. Sure it wasn’t Harney having a swim?