Last night I got to thinking about stuff my Dad uses or used in the past that I never have and probably never will. Such as:
- A tie rack on the inside of his wardrobe on which to hang his many ties. I have a tie or two somewhere around but I rarely have to wear one so when I need one I just buy one. My Dad had loads of them. Dozens. He probably still does.
- Handkerchiefs – he always has a linen handkerchief with him. If I have a runny nose I’ve got a packet of handy-sized tissues, which to me makes more sense that carrying a piece of material, damp with your own snot, in your pocket.
- Shoe polish – I don’t wear shoes (well, only on the rare occasion when I need a tie). I have one pair of black shoes. The rest of the time my footwear is provided by Adidas. Or Puma. In my Dad’s house there is a box filled with polishes, brushes, cloths and all kinds of stuff to make one’s shoes shiny.
- Imperial Leather soap – there is one sure thing in life, that in the bathroom in my Dad’s house you will find a bar of Imperial Leather soap with another still in its wrapper on the windowledge. There has never, ever been a time when there has been less than two bars of this soap. I just use washing up liquid to wash my hands.
- Flat caps – when it is winter his head must be kept warm and the only way to do that is wear a cap. A flat cap. Me, I wear a bright blue beany hat, obviously.
- Trays – In order to transport food from the kitchen to the sitting room where the TV and the sport on the TV is on, he has a number of trays. The most well used one is a gold colour. It’s older than me, I’m sure. I have not got one tray. Not one. If bringing food from the kitchen to watch TV it requires a waiter’s delicate balance to bring plate, glass, bottle, cutlery, condiments and the rest. A waiter’s delicate balance or a series of trips. Journeys. Not trips.
I’m sure there are loads more that I can’t think of right now though. I bet your Dad uses stuff you don’t use (and if your Dad is a heroin addict that does not count).
My dad uses a pen, sucker
I have the polish. And the brushes, one for applying the polish, the other for buffing. They were my grandfathers. I rarely if ever use them, but when I do I enjoy the ritual. I am also a recent convert to the cloth handkerchief. Seeing as my da is thought to have chucked himself overboard when travelling on the ferry from England to Ireland, I guess I don’t have suicidal tendencies.
One of those black flat combs… in the inside pocket, without fail.
Although not so much these days! (Dam, its in the genes! Or does it skip a generation).
Havent seen one of those old-school combs in years!
Slippers, Pyjamas,Clothes brush, Matches (I usually have a lighter), Shoe horns and those things you put inside your shoes to stop them from wrinkling.
Sounds to me like you need to get a tray.
This is an accident waiting to happen.
Get your Dad round to do a risk assessment.
Seems like a lot of expense when one day, hopefully many years from now, I might well inherit that tray.
Yep,Bide your time Twenty,that Gold coloured bastard will be yours one day…
A pipe comes to mind..plus a block of that weird plug tobacco..I suppose you’d have to include the old white y-fronts/vest ensemble, and the carpet slippers. But then you’d end up including garden shears, the bus, and golf clubs too.
My da has loads of walking sticks …
Oh and a Crombie Twenty … about the only think made of cloth he ever invested in
You’d always catch him wearing the flat cap and the crombie coat out walking with walking stick in hand
In his day my Da always had stuff in the garage that we’d never keep nowadays…
A stick for stirring paint, a snapped-off screwdriver for opening said paint and a collection of rags culled from old curtains, vests (remember them?) for paint, turps, etc.
A pipe tobacco tin full of various washers.
Flat cap, pipe, matches, a tartan dressing gown.
Old Spice.
Oh, and always a black umbrella, a couple of walking sticks, and a beige mac coat.
The back of his hand/the back of my head.
Oh, the coat. He has a big, long John Motson sheepskin coat too.
My da used to always have a bottle of Sherry in the house for putting in his raw egg every morning. He used to have me dry-clean his suit with petrol. He used to peel an apple for me with his penknife and the taste of tobacco on it was terrible. Pipe cleaners were everywhere.
yeah the paint ones. a large jar full of brushes steeping in turps. I just buy a new brush.
I think you must be a bit of a chav twenty.
You wear runners all the time?
I’ve loads of pairs of shoes and just one pair of runners
sewer rods.
bic razors.
things my dad has that i dont (but i borrow) – all manner of tools, a workbench, sander, plain, spirit level, vice grips, 5 million assorted nails and screws.
I’ve loads of pairs of shoes and just one pair of runners
sure you’re not allowed in a pub or club in wexford without shiny shoes..its the law..
Pigs belly lining boiled in milk with mushrooms. Oh, and a sense that our political class knew what they were up to.
holy shitfuck, peadar only has one pair of runners, this will take some digesting. are you some form of door to door salesman, or are you gareth from the office?
i’ll bet they’re some gammy stryder type dunnes effort, strictly for saturday mornings or fun-fridays.
lol ah man, one fucking pair of runners.
Slippers you wear while cutting the grass,you know the ones with the thick soles.
Are Campers runners? I have 2 pairs of them.
the only actual runners I own now I go from Dunnes a few months ago for 8 euro… thos blue canvas / white rubber types. Not a bother on them.
I really dislike big white Nikes and stuff.
holy shitfuck, peadar only has one pair of runners, this will take some digesting. are you some form of door to door salesman, or are you gareth from the office?
heh
Speaking of cutting the grass… it was always done with a rotary push mower, even when he was in his seventies.
A Pipe, always carries a penknife, cottonbuds, TCP. TCP for everything sore throat gargle TCP, cut yerself shaving dab on TCP. Oh and he has a pressing cloth, I inherited his original when I was fifteen and “bout time ye learned to press yer own fucking trousers”. A broken fork/spade handle for making holes in the garden to plant his spuds etc.
A comb. The hair-keeping bastard.
Mega Aids: dip yer cock in TCP no doubt
An aran cardigan..and the fshing rod and toolbox full of hooks and weird metal widgety things I don’t know anything about.
Metal Toolbox which only has Drill Bits in it for one of those Manual Drills that work the same way as a whisk.. the Drill is broken many years now..
A comb. The hair-keeping bastard.
haha
Why would you want more than one pair of runners?
I’ve one pair of shiny wedding or funeral shoes.
and loads of pairs of others. Everytime I go on holidays I buy a few pairs, they’re always cheaper abroad
My da has a box full of paddy power dockets, pens, fixture lists etc. which he takes out every morning when he sits down to study the form
PP – what the hell is a pressing cloth?
Is it like a trousers press (which my Dad has and I don’t)?
The sony radio/cassette player and the cardboard box full of Bob Dylan, Dave Brubeck, Barry White and Frank Sinatra tapes.
peadar you collect shoes like my bird, do you cross dress or just what do you do with all your shoes? and what make and model of runner do you own?
Before the trouser press you used an iron, but direct iron on trousers makes em shiny. So he had a tea towel sized linen cloth which you put on top of the trousers . That way you can dampen the clth and press away. He now has a trouser press which my ma got him. I told her at the time that it would be like me buying her a pressure cooker, but she did it anyway. My da after a few drams then lost it one night with a “I’m fucking retired , I like gardening, woodworking and macallan 12yr old what the fuck do i need nicely pressed trousers for?”
“I’m fucking retired , I like gardening, woodworking and macallan 12yr old what the fuck do i need nicely pressed trousers for?”
Is your Dad Gay Byrne?
Agreed on the ties. But then my dad fixed cars and dug ditches for a while before getting into a job where you could wear a suit, so I guess having a formal work attire that didn’t leave you with shite in your boots and under your fingernails must have appealed.
Personally, I have one suit, bought for graduation and used for funerals and weddings, and that’s one too many for my tastes. And unless it’s some sort of hilarious novelty tie that comes with AAA batteries and either spins or lights up, well, it’s just a fancy cross between a garotte and a napkin which doesn’t do either job very well.
He does have the whole four-pound sundial for a watch, but he used to be a pilot so that’s normal enough. And the small box of shoe polish where the handle is actually a footrest? And the nosehair/earhair clippers. And the cigars, which I never picked up the habit for. And the drambuie, which I never got the taste for either.
Oh, and the toolshed. And the brown leather toolbags like a wierd variant of the doctor’s little black bag. But I don’t have those only because I don’t have a garden for the shed.
And a blade 4 haircut means no comb :)
I’d guess a lot of this stuff is going to start coming back in though Twenty – most of it wasn’t wierd shit, it was stuff to repair or maintain stuff you’d bought, whereas we just ditched broken stuff and bought new stuff. You can’t afford to do that anymore, so maybe we’re going to go back to actually taking care of shit again…
I couldn’t repair a very easy to repair thing. I am to DIY what Robbie Keane is to not being a big, mallet headed cunt
Heh..
Yeah, I’m brutal at DIY. My in-laws are coming over from Malaysia in November to stay a few months and the good lady wife has a list if things that need doing around the gaff to present to her da… shelving, wall hooks, skirtings, sealant around the kitchen, etc.
He must reckon I’m a useless cunt altogether. Not that it bothers me once he does them.
My Dad had (rest his old soul) trilby hats, assortment of pipes in a rack, only one of which was used, George Webb shoes, extensive gardening equipment, awful temper, check shirts, bald head and stories from tunneling out of prison.
“stories from tunneling out of prison”
funny, i always thought your name came from being anal obsessed
peadar you collect shoes like my bird, do you cross dress or just what do you do with all your shoes? and what make and model of runner do you own?
They’re nike. What fucking model? Are you for real? I haven’t a clue, I haven’t wore them in a while. I wear my boot type shoes mostly.
my dad has a puncture repair kit, no one else in the family has one, they just call to him whenever they need a repair
funny, i always thought your name came from being anal obsessed
I always thought it was a sexual boast.heh
A collection of matchboxes and beermats from various bars in the cities he had visited. Rizla liquorice papers. A tin of Golden Virginia with a leaf of lettuce inside to keep it moist. He never used a wallet, instead he kept his few bob in the wagepacket it came in, with his fathers death rememberance card inside to keep it in shape til the next wagepacket. Halcyon days. Life was very simple then.
My dad used to have a pair of “decorating” trousers.
Having used them for years, they picked up the usual paint flecks, wallpaper paste stains etc.
When visitors would see him attired in said strides, he would receive a hearty “Jaysus Bill, doing a bit eh? Fair play”
My dad then hit upon the idea of just wearing the trousers randomly for the kudos value, and not bothering with the messy decorating lark.
It worked and he never picked up a paintbrush again, the jammy bastard
My Mum’s fanny. (Well, to be honest, I used it once, but only in a being born kind of way)
Dads had it good years ago. No washing up, no tidying, no nappy changing, no daughters wearing hot pants, no traffic, plenty of parking outside work, dinner on the table every day after work, no mobile phones, no problem smoking in a car full of small children.
Hmmmm… the origns of Holemasters’name
Vick inhaler.
Hmmmm… the origns of Holemasters’name
“He’s Like Charlie Bronson in the great escape,he’s diggin tunnels”..
I seem to have passed through the generation separator machine…
Euthymol toothpaste
No trainers
Cigars
Had a gold (metal) tray with embossed surface
The wardrobe has a tie-rack in it and is also good for belts
Have a proper hat ready to replace fleecy ones
time for a late-mid-life crisis
Lifebouy Soap..
Id say The Cap’n uses that..
Bakelite Bush radio which I associate with The Archers on a Sunday morning on BBC radio.
Has anybody said “your ma” yet?
About 8 comments back, dude.
How about:
Belts, Conan? Plural. How many does a man need? I have one
I see where you’re coming from Twenty, but sometimes you need a brown belt instead of the usual black one, if you’re not using your braces.
2 belts at the very least. A brown belt for brown shoes and a black belt for black shoes. Jesus, I thought I was suppose to be a bogger
2 belts at the very least. A brown belt for brown shoes and a black belt for black shoes. Jesus, I thought I was suppose to be a bogger
I knew you were a benny….
Yer Right Peader, these Duliners pretend their cultured, but give them more than 1 knife and fork at a dinner setting they will (depending on where in Dublin they are from) either
1) Steal the spare set and give it to their mate as a wddding present
2) Look confused for a while and then eat with their fingers
Two belts minimum, I have four I also have over fifty ties so have three tie/belt racks
Two belts minimum, I have four I also have over fifty ties so have three tie/belt racks
..and you.
I knew you were a benny….
No, I’m straight as could be, but I have a small bit of fashion sense. Unlike yourself, twenty and rapey who sound like tracker knackers
Peadar,just admit that you have all the episodes of Queer eye for the straight guy recorded..you’ll feel better..
No one minds if you actually get Playboy for the articles.and that you are looking forward to the next Sex and the City Movie…
my dad this and my dad that – makes you sound about 12, twenty.
What should I call him? Godzilla?
can call him brenda for all i care. just a bit at odds with the older gentleman image of yourself you portray.
When I’m talking about my dad I use “dad” but when I’m talking to him I call him daddy. Sounds a bit soft but who gives a fuck.
I never even heard of those programmes fill
Haha.. nice try..
Thats cool Peadar,it doesnt sound soft at all..
Twenty:Is your Dad’s name Godzilla..thats fucking cool
Godzilla Hercules Winstable Major II
So you’re saying that Your Da IS actually bigger than my Da? heh
And he has much sharper fangs.
Like Father like Son then..
My dad uses Speed Stick by Mennen deodorant, The Dry Look hairspray, and, hopefully, condoms. I’ll never use condoms because I’m a chick and he’s a dude.
oh jesus christ is peadar actually coming out on this blog???
first the shoes fetish, and now we find out he calls some man Daddy, this has been an awesome day of internet.
“I call him daddy”
peadar you say the best things.
Huh? What happened my tinypic link?
Better work…
Phew. Thought I was going mad there.
I’m glad I made your day Rapey
Hey Pecker, where’d you get the picture of Rapey?
Things he uses and I don’t…
Moustache comb, a shaving brush, my mother
My dad uses Johnny5 for sex