We’re going Roman
I have recently been watching the Historical and not at all fictional show Rome. It is set in Rome and there are lots of Romans in it. There are also some Jews but that’s not important right now.
Anyway, the thing is when Romans were displeased they tended to get all stabby. A quick evisceration here, a stealthy transpiercing there. No messing about, stab, stab, stab, you’re dead, away we go. And anyone who has seen the news cannot have failed to notice the rise in knife crime.
Coincidence or is Ireland becoming Roman? Are more people wearing sandals, for instance? Is there a healthy slave trade? Are we punishing criminals by having them eaten by lions for our own amusement? If not at the moment then the emergence of these things should be all the proof we need. And if it does happen what should we do? I for one say we should embrace it.
For a start the problem of overcrowding in prisons could be solved by large felines consuming convicts. Would anyone have any great objection if bankers and those who got us into this financial crisis were crucified in the Phoenix Park? I don’t think so and by Caesar it would act as a deterrent to those who manage our financial institutions now.
And let us not forget the Roman Empire was powerful and spread far and wide across Europe. As unemployment rises conscription provides a wage and a job for those who would do little else but sit around and drink cans of Dutch Gold. Our armies can march forth and it would be a brave man who would take on the gougers and sly-fighting bollixes that would face them. Soon the Irelandium empire would be all powerful, we’d be out of recession, the distribution of punto denarii would be like a million SSIAs and all would be well again (apart from all the stabbing but nothing’s perfect).
Sometimes, just sometimes, you need to take a few steps backwards before you can move forwards again.
August 18th, 2009 at 9:21 am
You hit it on the nail with crucifixion (sorry).
We could make a fortune with a new reality show on TV. Bring in a heap of politicians, lawyers, bankers and the little cunt who won’t shit in his own house.
Public vote on who gets capped first and how. A menu of cross, guillotine, rope and axe.
Sell the TV rights for the format worldwide. Recession me hole!
August 18th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Who needs expensive therapy when we can get all stabby – it’s the perfect way to vent.
This may be your Nobel prize my friend.
August 18th, 2009 at 9:25 am
I forgot Brian Kennedy, I want that bollix in there too.
August 18th, 2009 at 9:26 am
I think spearing people in the side is much overlooked also.
August 18th, 2009 at 10:12 am
We should legalise mass gun ownership. Getting one in the head is faster and more humane.
August 18th, 2009 at 10:15 am
should we not revert back to being Hibernia in that case?
also it sounds like you’re making the bankers our new jews, but which young jew will stand against us to show the world the one true way? david mcwilliams? eddie hobb?
August 18th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Dermot Ahern was on radio yesterday getting tough on knife crime – he has cops going in to schools telling kids it’s not “cool” to carry a knife. That will be a huge success, I’m sure.
By the way, apparently blaspheming isn’t “cool” either, so watch yourself, Twenty.
August 18th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Ahh at long last, the Romanification of Ireland. We’ve only had to wait 2500 years. At least we’ll get decent roads, water supply, sewage systems. What else will the Romans do for us? Oh yeah….. bring peace!
August 18th, 2009 at 10:55 am
All this has happened before and all this will happen again.
August 18th, 2009 at 11:00 am
At least it would give the Senate some meaning. David ‘Cicero’ Norris would have a new lease of life.
August 18th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
In Rome there were was a powerful inner circle who lived lives of luxury, with servants, mistresses and their own private tent at the horse races where they could invite their friends of influence.
Historical fact that.
August 18th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Thank goodness nothing like that exists here.
Very much liking Norris as Cicero. Who’d be Mark Anthony then? And if anyone says Mary Harney for Cleopatra …
August 18th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
We do have an Apian Way mind you.
August 18th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
I saw an aqua duck today
August 18th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Were you out with your friend Col O’Seum?
August 18th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
And Twenty has a Forum.
August 18th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/cricket/twenty20-will-destroy-the-game-says-hadlee-1773696.html
Leave cricket alone
August 18th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
hah, I love a good test match, me.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Personally I’d prefer to use “I, Claudius” as a template, as the subtlety of poisoning everyone who pisses me off has always appealed.
I’d like to volunteer my services as a latter day Livia, Queen of the poisoners,and Leinster House are always looking for kitchen staff, I hear.
August 18th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Round up the “usual suspects”, the politicians, bankers, wankers and everyone else who had a hand in the financial flop and force them to become gladiators then make them fight to the death. Only one winner and she gets to live. People would pay rock concert prices to see the spectical. It’ll pay off the national debt.
August 18th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Well, for starters I wouldn’t mind seeing Cowen receiving the business end of 20 blades on the floor of the Dail.
August 19th, 2009 at 4:19 am
damn – we can’t run our own country and now you want to try for an Empire??????
August 19th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Rome is a touchy subject this side of the border.
August 19th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Perhaps it’s because we’re in a recession, and a knife is reusable. Stab, stab. Wipe, wipe. Ready for another stabbin’. Not a bother.
Guns are expensive, and require purchase of bullets, which are expensive, and difficult to procure. Probably they also necessitate some sort of ‘gun maintenance’, mechanical objects usually do.
Knives are cheap. When/if the economy picks up, we will likely see a decrease in knife crime as purchasing power extends to other weapons.
August 22nd, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Hang ‘em by the wrists in Phoenix Park? Sounds appealing, but, fuck, careful what you wish for. You risk creating a whole new religion, with a banker as the Son of God.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Typical. You Dubs want everything interesting held in Dublin. Why not have the crucifixions somewhere like Portlaoise or Athlone, so we can all go along and have a look. Or take a leaf out of the Romans’ book and put them up one every mile along the N7.