Gardening advice
Posted on | July 9, 2009 | 42 Comments
I have some poppies growing my back garden. I’m not sure how they got there. I’m assuming some kind of stork flew overhead after a visit to Afghanistan and dropped some seeds which did their seedy stuff and started to grow.
So, how many do I need to make a steaming hot batch of good old-fashioned opium?
As times are tight I’m thinking of converting one of the rooms in my house into an opium den. A place where the refined gentleman, the highly intelligent deer-stalker sporting detective, can come and get smashed off their face for an hour before heading back out into to the mundanity of every day life.
Some Ikea futons and some plump cushions would suffice for the reclining and it’s amazing how readily available oil lamps are over the internet.
So all systems are go, I just need the horicultural advice here folks. A free opium session for the most effective counsel.
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42 Responses to “Gardening advice”
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July 9th, 2009 @ 8:41 am
Good question and something i’ve pondered over before.
I’m sure I could find out by scouring the web, but i think we should stick with imagined ways of creating opium.
I would suspect that the poppy heads are grated and then lightly steamed before being mixed with ethanol and baking soda and quickly cooled.
Resulting in Opium. or a mess.
July 9th, 2009 @ 8:46 am
Thay sounds complicated. Would it be possible to cultivate a poppy whose stigma was 100% opium and merely had to be put into some kind of pipe?
That would make life so much easier. You know, if I have ethanol around I’ll just drink it.
July 9th, 2009 @ 9:30 am
You need to release the sap. The opaque, milky sap. Sharp knife, rinsed-out Mullerlight tub. Leave to thicken.
July 9th, 2009 @ 9:31 am
You’ve got to have an opium poppy to start with.
There are different varieties.
You kind you’ve got would probably best suit a flake advert.
July 9th, 2009 @ 9:42 am
What is the point of a non-opium poppy? I despair of this world at times.
Is the MullerLight tub essential, mrs pouncer?
July 9th, 2009 @ 9:52 am
You’ve got to catch it in something, and that’s all I eat. I suppose it’s regional. Lady Dufferin’s Clandeboye Yoghurt is probably your best bet. Rinsed out.
July 9th, 2009 @ 10:49 am
One essential tip I’ve learned over my years of travel.
Make sure that the pipe bowl opening is perpendicular to your body. Otherwise all that tasty opium will fall out when you lie down on your side.
July 9th, 2009 @ 10:52 am
You need to find a member of the Taliban. They’ll sort you out.
July 9th, 2009 @ 10:54 am
Plenty of those around the SCR, I’d say, HM.
Words of experience, Lung. Always welcome.
July 9th, 2009 @ 10:59 am
If you get it up and running, can I stall over?
Always liked the idea of opium dens. I’ll bring a housewarmer of red velvet cushions.
Anyone know a good place to buy a smoking jacket and silk pyjamas?
July 9th, 2009 @ 11:02 am
Of course you can. Maybe I can open up a little pyjamas stall too in the front hall.
July 9th, 2009 @ 11:40 am
went to research opium on wikipedia only to discover today’s featured article is on gropecunt street. the things you can learn on the interporn…
July 9th, 2009 @ 11:56 am
Ha, porridge, I spotted that… Grpoecumt Lane to be precise.
Had to look up something about Libya but got diverted by that.
July 9th, 2009 @ 11:57 am
Gropecunt, not whatever I typed just there. So, not to be precise would be more precise.
July 9th, 2009 @ 11:58 am
If you insert a screwdriver in your eyeball, the guys in james hospital will give you morphine, or so i’ve heard.
It’s bad for your eyesight though.
July 9th, 2009 @ 1:00 pm
I can you a lend of Heroin by Lou Reed or Perfect Day.
Or.
I do know a couple who are very good at growing grass. I’d recommend growing grass over opium; it’s not as lucrative but it has the benefit that you’ll come out the other side alive. Opium leads to too many funerals for friends.
July 9th, 2009 @ 1:05 pm
You can’t have a grass den though. That’s just silly.
July 9th, 2009 @ 1:13 pm
It’s called a ‘hut’ actually
July 9th, 2009 @ 1:18 pm
Damsels with dulcimers to water the plants and an Abyssinian maid for later in your sacred pleasure dome.
July 9th, 2009 @ 1:37 pm
“I would suspect that the poppy heads are grated and then lightly steamed before being mixed with ethanol and baking soda and quickly cooled”
Probably need some acetone & ammonia in there somewhere…or is that cocaine?
A properly insulated attic and some kind of UV lamp too I’d have thought
July 9th, 2009 @ 1:38 pm
Then just add rat poison & peddle it to the local skangers. Simple!
July 9th, 2009 @ 1:41 pm
Two friends of mine Byron and Shelley were asking if they could come along. They said we’d know they’ve arrived when the curtains start billowing out and the lampshades shake.
July 9th, 2009 @ 1:51 pm
Ulick Dixon-Cox Says:
July 9th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Then just add rat poison & peddle it to the local skangers. Simple!
that’s what happened a friend of mines’ brother around 1983; 3 of them died on 1 night. all 18. the 1st person I would know who died from it.
my sense of humour leaves the building when smack is mentioned; sorry.
July 9th, 2009 @ 1:52 pm
And Coleridge too HM
July 9th, 2009 @ 1:52 pm
3 in one night?
July 9th, 2009 @ 1:54 pm
Can I book a cushion? Was at a funeral this morning and some complete cuntbucketshitbagwankface hit the back of my car.
July 9th, 2009 @ 2:05 pm
Were you in the hearse Magoo?
July 9th, 2009 @ 2:12 pm
Twenty Major Says:
July 9th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
3 in one night?
yes. all from artaine. sean, the younger brother of one was in my class.
July 9th, 2009 @ 3:26 pm
I think you need tonnes of the stuff. I saw people picking opium in the czech republic. They looked bored
July 9th, 2009 @ 3:26 pm
No Holemaster, but whoever left a football-sized dent in my bumper will be when I catch them. It’s either my Ma’s neighbour or my Da. My money’s on my Da as he’s blind in his right eye and there was no sign of him when I got back from the church to pick up the car. Hee hee.
July 9th, 2009 @ 3:38 pm
This article may help you.
Not intended for any illegal purposes
July 9th, 2009 @ 3:46 pm
Careful there Twenty, I think you might be out of your league. There already exists a huge den in Dublin that deals in the worst kind of brain-rotting opium that you can imagine. And the worst thing is that they pedal their crap mostly to kids. I warn you, this shower have no shame, they’re totally ruthless and rumours have it that they’re under the thumb of the highest echelons of Irish power.
http://www.rte.ie/tv/theden/index.html
July 9th, 2009 @ 4:18 pm
Magoo, my money is on your Dad.
July 9th, 2009 @ 4:48 pm
Why is morphine bad for your eyesight?
July 9th, 2009 @ 4:49 pm
Peader, I think he meant the screwdriver…
July 9th, 2009 @ 5:02 pm
Are you serious?
July 9th, 2009 @ 5:18 pm
Sorry sure it’s wanking that makes you go blind.
And screwdrivers
July 9th, 2009 @ 5:29 pm
or wanking with a screwdriver in your hand,
July 10th, 2009 @ 6:59 am
But SAm I always enjoy a good vodka and orange while partaking in a good bout of onanism.
July 10th, 2009 @ 11:54 am
It was indeed my Dad Holemaster, ah well.
July 10th, 2009 @ 8:29 pm
Is your da’s name Mister Magoo? Kinda figures so…
July 14th, 2009 @ 8:12 pm
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