Memorial services
The old Michael Jackson memorial was a bit iffy, wasn’t it? There’s nothing that shows the care and compassion of a family quite like making an 11 year old girl, hidden from the world for years, stand in front of everyone and cry about how she’s going to miss her father.
Top work, Jacksons, you fucked up cunts.
Got me thinking about memorial services though. What would you have at yours? What would you do to mark the departure of one of your close friends?
If Dirty Dave were to die he would have to be instantly cremated in a large furnace because planting him in the ground would be like salting the earth. He’d kill the soil for hundreds of square yards all around. Then we might take him to his favourite place in all of Dublin, the Ilac Centre, and have some kind words beside the glass-fronted lift which he so loved to ride up and down and up and down for hours at a time.
“Wheeee”, he’d say, “I can see A House from here”, and we’d say “For fucks sake Dave Couse, would you ever find something else to do with your day? Perhaps you should write a song about artists or something”.
Then we might get some music from his favourite band of all time, Auto da Fe, who would perform the song they wrote about his urine “All is yellow, hot, hot, hot”.
After that we’d take his ashes and scatter them in a place that would mean so much to him. A place that if something of his spirit were to live on he’d be delighted to be there – Anne Doyle’s boudoir.
Then we would adjourn to Ron’s, drink pints and talk about what an unspeakably moronic and disgusting cunt he was, but in a good way. Not in the same we might if Brian Cowen died.
As for my own, I don’t really care, once there are panthers. Lots and lots of panthers.
July 8th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Apparently he is to be emtombed with an army of terracotta chimpanzees. Nice!!
July 8th, 2009 at 9:53 am
burial at sea – with my mother in law digging the grave….
July 8th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Not your mother-in-law’s son-in-law?
July 8th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Traveller-style for me.
Horsies with feathers, words made out of flowers, local limo company hired out with the ad down the side, the whole shebang.
Gotta love that stuff.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:38 am
take me to a taxidermist thanks. i’d like to be giving the double thumbs up and left on a motorway overpass.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:54 am
How ’bout this for your funeral service then Twenty?
July 8th, 2009 at 11:08 am
That was fucked up with his daughter alright, the desperate way they kept shoving the mic in her face and stroking her hair so hard it was nearly coming out in clumps.
I’d like a special version of The Beach Boys song played – God only knows what I’d be without you(you shower of shites).
After which I’d like to be buried and slowly consumed by worms.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:14 am
You and those fucking panthers again.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
After which I’d like to be buried and slowly consumed by worms.
yep, that’s usually what happens
Speaking of knacker funerals, if you walk around an empty graveyard you can spot a knackers grave from anywhere. The cunts should need planning permission. Dirty smelly bastards.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Did I mention I buried my parents in the wrong grave, twice?
July 8th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Gerry Ryan: “Would you like to be buried or
cremated?”
Caller: “Oh, buried Gerry.”
Gerry Ryan: “And where would you like to be buried?”
Caller: “Up to me balls in Bibi Baskin!”
July 8th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
There’s nothing like a knacker funeral, Swords, slash hooks, pitch forks, baseball bats etc & that’s just the women. Flowers everywhere & nearly as loud as a fucking Palestinian one with all the crying and wailing.
Now if we could cross a knacker with a Black Panther, imagine the funeral we could have, intimidate the fuck out of anyone else who happened to turn up .. Not a pub or hotel open for a 50 mile radius ..
July 8th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Read a cool book about the gangsters in Chicago in the thirties, where a guy would ‘whack’ another guy and then send $20,000 worth of flowers to the funeral. I was wondering how much flowers $20k would get you in 1935????
July 8th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
“Did I mention I buried my parents in the wrong grave, twice”
yes, this is the second time you’ve mentioned it
July 8th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Lung – heh. I suppose by definition they are panthers.
HM – I must have missed that. Or forgotten it. How did you manage that?
July 8th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Yeah, must have been a helluva wake, HM.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Ah, long story. I’ll tell you all some Christmas Eve around the fire with hot whiskeys and sleepy dog.
July 8th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I want Sinead’s “This is the Last Day of Our Acquaintance” played. Everyone has to drink Stoli and smoke cigarettes.
July 8th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Jazz cigarettes.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Nice
July 8th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
He’s not really dead. Remember where you heard it first
July 8th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Meh, it doesn’t really matter once I’ve carked it. Wine and dine me in life, already, and quit planning for my demise, you heartless cunts, is what I say.
My best friend wanted to be cremated, and then have her ashes chucked from the Skyways overhead tram thingie at Disneyland so that she could land in some kid’s ice cram and ruin his day.
Those bastards at Disneyland took out Skyways years ago, and so my friend not only had to change her funeral plans, but we then had nowhere to light up a joint in the Magic Kingdom.
Fuckers, they are.
July 8th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
It’s been said that MJ’s besotted brain was removed after he left this mortal realm in order to download all of the kiddy porn that’s stowed away in it. I wonder how long that will take? His lovin’ da was promoting a new business venture at the funeral. He couldn’t pass up such a good opportunity to make a buck. What a fucked up family.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
http://www.corkmedia.net/?p=2260
July 9th, 2009 at 12:37 am
How about going out like this dude in Puerto Rico? That’s some fucked up shit.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,406081,00.html
July 9th, 2009 at 7:43 am
haha, freaky.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
People, it’s not right to call travellers ‘knackers’. Remember the knackers are called travellers.
July 11th, 2009 at 2:06 am
There would be one warning and one only:
“Excuse me but is there something wrong with you?”
“What?”
“Is there something?…ah fuck it,you have 10 seconds..”
“10 Seconds?”
“Well,7 now,best hurry up!”
“Before?”
Thunk!!!
“Breadknife in the head,just like in that movie,Munich..”
Sorry,i was away for the week..just catching up with stuff now..
July 11th, 2009 at 2:18 am
sorry,the above would be the conversation with the doorstepping journalist…just incase anyone thought i was going insane..ahem..
July 13th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
does anybody remember WILLIE THE WIMP?
