Something different
Posted on | July 6, 2009 | 30 Comments
You know, there comes a time in your life when it becomes increasingly difficult to do new things. I mean on a day to day level.
Of course, if you were that way inclined, you could say ‘Right, well I’m going to climb Kilimanjaro with a dead goat strapped to my back’ or do a parachute or a bungee jump or take up stock car racing. Those are all new things to most people, I’d imagine, but they require a lot of effort and planning and who needs that?
So it was with great pleasure I did something last week that I had never done before in my entire life:
I pissed on a ladybird.
In all my years I had never done that. It was before a game of football and I went to relieve myself over at the far corner of the pitch where a big metal fence was. I began the pissation and realised there was a ladybird crawling around on the fence.
A little voice in my head said ‘Hey, you’ve never pissed on a ladybird before. This might be your only chance to ever do that because if you set out to do it chances are you’d never create the circumstance in which it might happen. Go for it’.
So, realising that I had been slightly fortuitous I directed the stream of urine onto the ladybird. It didn’t seem to mind, to be honest. I guess it was just like heavy, pungent rain.
I completed the unrination, the ladybird shook itself off and went on its way. I played football. An everyday occurance but one which followed something unusual and rather splendid.
I don’t know what I’m going to do next that I haven’t done before. I don’t think you should plan these things. An opportunity will arise and you will have to decide if you’re going to take it or not.
Me, I’m taking it. I quite fancy pooing on a scorpion but that might just be a bit dangerous.
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30 Responses to “Something different”
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July 6th, 2009 @ 8:42 am
I’ve pissed on a calf before, but never a ladybird.
Has anyone ever ejaculated onto a crow?
July 6th, 2009 @ 9:18 am
No, but I know someone who blew a snot-rocket on a Boston Terrier.
July 6th, 2009 @ 9:19 am
“Ladybird, ladybird, fly away home, you’ve been pissed on by Twenty and need a wash.”
Now you see why my poetry has never been published.
July 6th, 2009 @ 9:55 am
Oh, say! can you see by the dawn’s early light…
July 6th, 2009 @ 9:56 am
you should be reported to PETA Twenty!!
July 6th, 2009 @ 9:56 am
PETA can derelict my balls. The cunts.
July 6th, 2009 @ 9:59 am
“This might be your only chance to ever do that because if you set out to do it chances are you’d never create the circumstance in which it might happen. Go for it’.”
About 8 years ago I found myself in the toilet of the Old Trafford Boardroom just before the board was about to meet (we had been told to close our meeting as they were due to start in 10 mins) Not a single drop managed to hit the urinal. I left my golden pond feeling liberated, we did not get the contract.
July 6th, 2009 @ 10:03 am
Fantastic.
July 6th, 2009 @ 10:04 am
hang on a fucking second, i spent this weekend kissing ladybirds you sick cunt!
July 6th, 2009 @ 10:06 am
No, you’re mixing them up with ladyboys. It’s all good.
July 6th, 2009 @ 10:12 am
These pursuits tend to escalate Twenty.
July 6th, 2009 @ 10:13 am
As a kid I always had this Pavlovian reaction to the Japanese gardens in Powerscourt, Eniskerry. Whenever we visited with the family, I always needed to do a dump in a bush there. It got to the point that my parents always brought a few tissues along because they knew I would inevitably need to leave a chod behind some oriental blossom.
So my great ambition is now to soil the waterfall and then the townhouse just to complete the set.
July 6th, 2009 @ 11:08 am
In all of my days, I have never sung Amhran na bhFiann backwards whilst straddling a mouse.
But I haven’t given up hope.
July 6th, 2009 @ 11:14 am
See, these are the lofty but eminently achievable ambitions we should all have,
July 6th, 2009 @ 11:15 am
I’d love to have a shit from a height. Say 3 or 4 storeys up. I would then examine the impact splatter. Would a reasonably solid turd splatter flat?
July 6th, 2009 @ 11:27 am
It wasn’t a Harlequin was it Twenty, if it was then rest assured you were doing your bit for the environment.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/8124099.stm
July 6th, 2009 @ 11:28 am
Mrs Ladybird: “Where have you been all bloody afternoon and why have you got a hard-on. And you stink of Guinness!”.
Mr Ladybird: “Well, I was in the park and this auld bastard in shorts and long socks came over. He then gets his todger out. Well, the heat and the al fresco situation gets me all horny. I got the sudden urge to indulge in a bit of golden shower. I thought this may be my only chance ever to do it, so I walked into the stream of rancid piss. God, it got me so worked up I nearly cum my load. Now, I’ve come home to give you a good seeing-to.”
Mrs Ladybird: “You’re pissed, you’ve been up that bloody pub again. I’m leaving you, you bastard. And I’m taking the kids with me.”
Mr Ladybird: “Noooooo….I can’t live without you….Right you footballing fucker, I’m coming for you….cunt.”
Later that day…
July 6th, 2009 @ 11:30 am
heh
Div – not sure what flavour it was. Its red bits seemed very red though.
July 6th, 2009 @ 11:38 am
Went on a major piss up one night a few years ago and on the way to another pub one of our number pissed on an electric fence. Didn’t realise a human could scream so loudly.
July 6th, 2009 @ 11:39 am
I’d say that was shocking all right.
July 6th, 2009 @ 11:49 am
“Went on a major piss up one night a few years ago and on the way to another pub one of our number pissed on an electric fence. Didn’t realise a human could scream so loudly”
I don’t suppose that the horse fly sitting on the wire that your mate earthed was too chuffed, either…
July 6th, 2009 @ 12:00 pm
A turd on a tortoise would be amusing.
July 6th, 2009 @ 12:44 pm
Already been mentioned in a famous Mike Harding joke HM. Something about dripping a couple of fine turds in a neighbour’s garden and a walking viking helemt turning up the next day…
July 6th, 2009 @ 1:19 pm
I must do my research.
July 6th, 2009 @ 4:43 pm
Why shit on a scorpion when you can shit on a midg, oops, dwar,oops, shrim, damn — little fella.
While you’re in the act of passing the poo, should the scorpion shove its stinger up your ass, would it be considerd sexual assault or self defence? And if there’s no one around to suck out the poison, who will get to write your blog?
July 6th, 2009 @ 5:00 pm
..and if there was someone around to suck out the poison, whould anyone actually do it? (taking under consideration the body part)
July 6th, 2009 @ 5:15 pm
I once pissed in a mailbox. Literally this thing was a box. I was walking one of my mates home, while they were shit-faced, and his house was in the really fucking posh part of town. So, on the way back to the piss-up, I fancied a piss, so I pulled out that one sacred instrument, went up to this guy’s fence, decided that wasn’t harsh enough, went to his big, automated gate, and noticed the box on the side. Let me say that carpe diem probably extends to putting your dick in a mailbox and letting loose. I’m hoping the posh fuck found his mail completely fucked on Sunday morning, and the best part is, the box was welded to the gate, there is no way that shit is getting cleaned out.
July 6th, 2009 @ 7:22 pm
“..and if there was someone around to suck out the poison, whould anyone actually do it? (taking under consideration the body part)”
I imagine that there are plenty of people around who would willingly suck Twenty’s hole.
July 6th, 2009 @ 9:24 pm
Vomit on a Hanafin?
July 7th, 2009 @ 8:32 am
Fat Sparrow, If I ever get to the stage that I would willingly do it, I have a little person following me that will kill me in that moment.