One day it’ll get me
Once a week I go to a particular building to carry out some work. Yes, work.
Anyway, as I leave the work area and head towards the stairs, which I must descend in order to get out, there is an attic opening kind of thing at the top of the stairs. From that attic opening pokes out a set of metal steps, which I’m sure turn into a handy kind of ladder when extended.
However, each time I pass by I can see the steps extend of their own volition, extending, rushing towards the very centre of my forehead with which they connect at great speed and with a sound that I can hear clearly in my head. I don’t quite know how to describe it – imagine the sound you hear when you hit your head off the ground (the bit just before the horrible taste in the back of your nose) combined with the noise of standing on a snail or a pistachio shell.
So far the steps have remained in position. A metal turtle’s tail to the roof anus that lies above. Yet each week brings my inevitable doom ever closer.
One day … one day.
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:52 am
Take the lift
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:54 am
Ceiling Cat is calling you back home…
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:54 am
I take the lift up but I prefer to use to the stairs going down. I like to live life on the edge.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:01 am
Morgan Freeman’s up there waiting for you to pop your head up and gain supreme power. Go for it.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Morgan Freeman would probably just try and have incest with me, even though we’re not related.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:14 am
Put your motorcycle helmet on inside the workplace rather than when you get to the trusty Honda 50.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:17 am
Jeez, less than 10 comments and maggot’s already brought the subject of helmets up.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:23 am
Just trying to be helpful. But this is what I get.
Well, I wasn’t going to point this out -
Once a week I go to a particular building to carry out some work.
So, you ARE a priest!
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:24 am
It’s a stairway to heaven then Twenty, or will be, you think?
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:35 am
It certainly makes me wonder …
Maggot, for shame.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:51 am
last 15 seconds of this is what you’re thinking about
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dY99J8igNE
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:12 pm
You’re not taking the tablets again, Twenty. Your psychiatrist did warn you…….
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
As long as it ends up on YouTube so we can all have a good laugh.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:22 pm
“Twenty,A Priest”,i bleeding knew it,He said it was our secret,him touching me where i do my wee,my special place he called it,not to tell anyone he said,just between himself,and myself he said,”it all make’s sense now” Cunt!
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
After seeing the post title in my RSS feeds, I was convinced that the rhythm was gonna get you. Now I’m sorely disappointed.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
As you’re leaving work just say to yourself:
It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done,
It is a far, far better place I go than I have ever known.
Then you can either get decapitated or head down to Ron’s pub.
Either way it’s ironic.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
put an entire pack of postits on your forhead. Not much protection but you may get a different noise on impact You may in time be able to ‘tune’ the noise by decreasing/increasing the number of postits.
Hope this helps
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Yeah you can try to avoid it, but the more you sneak past trying to put off the inevitable, the more it’ll want to pay off the wardens and catch you in the shower while you’re singing Damien Rice.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I was convinced that the rhythm was gonna get you
The problem with the rhythm trying to get you is that you can hear it coming.
The post-its thing is interesting. What if I were to attach a metal spring, kind of like those things you put behind a door to stop the handle making a hole in the wall?
It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done,
It is a far, far better place I go than I have ever known.
It could split me right in half then we could have a tale of two Twenties.
And I don’t sing Damien Rice in the shower. This week it’s mostly been Baltimora, Tarzan boy.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:23 pm
It could split me right in half then we could have a tale of two Twenties.
2 x 10’s actually.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
You could also make sure to hit yourself in the head with every other available ladder at a manageable velocity, thereby hugely decreasing the probability that a random ladder, however perfectly poised, could ever pose a threat to you.
Then you could laugh in the face of that ladder, get married beneath that ladder, conceive and receive your first-born below that ladder and then, in you twilight years the ladder finally claims you and you die slowly saying:
“Ladder… you damned ladder…
I.. I love you.”
Exeunt.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Maggot, for shame.
Why for shame ? It’s a reasonable hypothesis – Once a week a man goes to ” a particular building to carry out some work.”
I don’t want to embarrass you, but you do display many of the best virtues of the priesthood – intelligence, compassion, humility, generosity of spirit, tolerance. you minister to the unfortunates in society such as Dave and Pete – listening to their deeds and offering advice. All very priestly.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Ladders. Natural enemy of the stairs walker. Taunter of giraffe kind. Necessity of the pygmy classes.
When are the government going to get up off their asses, stop wasting their time on this recession fad, and start regulating Irish ladders.
Did you know that it is now easier for a teenager to get their hands on a ladder than a gun? I don’t want to live in a world with such a disparity.
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Itsn’t it about time for everyones daily nap?
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I wish. A wank followed by a nap now would be lovely
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I concur. Stop the slaughter. Regulate the ladders.
You could have the Ladder Licensing Board (LLB). Or the Officer for the Enforcement of Ladders and Laddering (OELL). Or Step Up – Advocates for ladder owners and safe ladder use.
They could produce a strategy document called ‘Moving On Up Now’ – Ireland and ladders (2009-2013). Their public awareness campaign would be called ‘reach a new plateau’ and it would feature an Asian guy who declares, ‘I clied my rungs out!’
Speaking of which, anyone see the Sun today? Great Michael Jackson headline: “Milk of Amnesia”.
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Always with the wankin’ Peadar…
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:28 pm
just saying
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:33 pm
@MMN :
that’s quite a dramatic story right there.
When’s the film coming out?
Sounds much better than the Jade Goody film : http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/entertainment/newsid_7985000/7985607.stm
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
That ladder almost certainly goes into John Malkovich’s brain anyway, so just hope he doesn’t have a stroke while you’re descending said stairs. Otherwise it’ll surely slide and you’ll come to an Omen-like ending with the top of your head getting the boiled egg treatment.
Just thought I’d cheer you up with some graphic imagery.
July 2nd, 2009 at 4:46 pm
This isn’t the Stira as seen on The Late Late Show is it?
July 2nd, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I’m just looking forward to the pictures. When it happens.
July 2nd, 2009 at 6:59 pm
fucking fas safepass course needed there twenty,them boys would have told you to be carefull out there,then stiffed you for the trouble,the robbing cunts
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:22 am
Twenty, you’re slowly letting the mask slip! My guess is you’re in Government. Working one day per week clinches it!