The football game in the future
Posted on | May 26, 2009 | 28 Comments
It is the future. A dark, bleak time after a great war which has left humanity on the brink.
A few stalwarts struggle to right what went wrong but the forces of evil prevail. They are pervasive, easy to follow, they give people what they want without struggle and because of this the light of goodness than exists in man is almost extinguished.
A desperate alliance strives not to overthrow the pernicious overlords but to remind those who they control that there is a better way. It takes intelligence and bravery to see the way of life they try and expound. Many listen but few hear.
The dark ones know that they have nearly completed their task, that in a short time the cabal which troubles them will have to give up. They grow arrogant and mocking. Previously happy to let the resistance exist they now round them up. Such is their hubris their leaders offer them a deal. A once off battle of the resistance’s choosing, winner takes all. They give them 24 hours to think about it, never considering for one second the possibility they might lose.
The next day the resistance return and accept the offer. The battle shall take place in the form of a game of football between players of goodness and virtue and players of a fiendish and heinous disposition. It is agreed that each side shall choose 11 players from the past. Those players will then cloned and duplicated, for this is the future, so that each team has a squad of 22. Two of each in case of injury.
It takes time to recreate the players but eventually the line-ups are complete.
The Evil XI: Andy Goram – Cristian Panucci – John Terry – Alan Hansen – Ashley Cole – Cristiano Ronaldo – Joey Barton – Roy Keane – El Hadji Diouf – Didier Drogba – Malcom Christie
The good XI: Packie Bonner – Dave Langan – Bobby Moore – Franco Baresi – Paolo Maldini – Liam Brady – Cesc Fabregas – Ashley Grimes – Johann Cruyff – Pele – Ferenc Puskas
Many debate the goodness and evil of the teams but eventually the debates die down and each side is given two weeks to train and work on tactics and set-pieces. The venue is the only football stadium left standing in the entire world, Richmond Park in Inchicore, home to former League of Ireland team St Patrick’s Athletic.
In the annals of history many will claim to have been there that fateful day, many more than the 5,500 capacity that’s for certain. If the Evil XI wins then the resistance must disband, allowing the dark forces to engulf the world with no turning back. Should the Good XI win then those same dark forces will cease their malign influence over the human race.
A watertight contract is drawn up. Despite the war and the billions who have died lawyers still remain.
The day of the match arrives. There is an intense atmosphere. A small pocket of fans supporting the Good XI stands on a terrace, huddling together for warmth for the night is cold. The teams emerge. The Evil XI strut onto the pitch, cocky, self-assured, while the Good XI have suffered problems in the build up to the game. They suspect foul play but they are down one Pele, one Fabregas and one Bonner through injury and poorly completed clones. They cannot afford to lose any more.
The game begins, refereed by a clone of Graham Poll, and it is the Goods who start the brighter. They zip the ball around the pristine turf, leaving the Evils chasing shadows. An early move sees Cruyff take down a 60 yard crossfield ball from Baresi, he performs an himself-turn, chips it to the back post and Pele rises highest to head home. 1-0 Goods.
The Evils are stunned. They react the only way the know how: evily. Barton goes in neck high on Ashley Grimes, slicing open his cartoid artery with his studs. Medics take the fatally injured midfielder off and replace him with his clone. Cristiano Ronaldo does 100mph stepovers giving credence to rumours that the Evils have been genetically modified. He runs past Langan, gets into the area and with nobody anywhere near him he falls over and shrieks loudly.
Penalty! John Terry steps up, slips, the ball hits the post. Terry starts to weep uncontrollably but just as Maldini is about to clear Diouf snaps his neck and rolls the ball past Bonner for the equaliser. The Goods object, the ref waves their protests away, poses for a picture and restarts the game. Maldini’s replacement is brought on.
The Goods are on the back foot, shaken by the depths to which the Evils are allowed sink. Drogba wins a free kick with an outrageous dive that sees Baresi blinded in both eyes. He is replaced but it turns out his clone is faulty and is also blind in both eyes. Ronaldo crosses it and Malcolm Christie performs an overhead scissors kick to make it 2-1. At halftime it is 3-1 when Ashley Cole’s anus makes a sound like the referee’s whistle, the Goods stop and Drogba races through, slides the ball home then jumps in two-footed on Bonner’s left leg, snapping it like a dry twig.
The second half starts with the second Bobby Moore in goal but the Evils are too strong. They almost score again and again but somehow the Goods keep the ball out with a mixture of valiant defending and sheer luck. Graham Poll misses an obvious Brady handball in the box while giving an in-game interview to Sky Sports News about how great he is.
There are just 10 minutes left when Liam Brady turns Roy Keane inside out, then right side out again, then inside out once more, leaving a pile of skin and guts. Joey Barton throws a hunting knife at him but misses. He skips one tackle, then another, gets to the byline and pulls the ball back where Puskas dinks it over Alan Hansen and buries it in the top corner to make it 3-2.
The Evils are rattled. The Goods can sense something special might happen. They work the ball out to the right hand side, Fabregas nutmegs Panucci, crosses and Baresi, having charged upfield making high-pitched beeps so he can navigate by sonar like a bat, flings himself at the ball to score a 20 yard diving header.
The supporters of the Goods go wild. It’s on. It’s really on. The Evils fight back, pressing for the winner which would complete their nefarious plan. An intricate passing move in midfield sees them 3 on 2 against the Goods. Drogba passes to Cole who gives it to Ronaldo whose unfeasibly quick and cheaty feet put Malcolm Christie in but at the vital moment he hesitates and the chance goes begging.
Every single member of the Evils stops to wave their arms theatrically and to berate Christie for wasting the opportunity. Fabregas thinks quickly and takes off upfield with the ball. They barely notice so consumed are they in their vicious tirade against their team-mate. Only as he’s heading towards their penalty area do they react. But it’s too late. He’s through on goal. He must score. If he scores the Goods win and life can begin to get back to normal.
The crowd is deathly silent. He’s at the edge of the box. Goram looks on with schizophrenic protestant panic in his eyes. He can see that Fabregas will not miss. Nothing he can do will prevent the goal. Hands are on mouths. Arms are raised in anticipation of the goal. Fabregas shapes to shoot, draws his leg back, and bursts into flames.
“Haha”, laughs the manager of the Evils, turning to the manager of Goods as his midfield hero burns on the pitch in front of him, “your Cesc is on fire”.
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28 Responses to “The football game in the future”
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May 26th, 2009 @ 2:09 am
look it started off well, but I’m not really a soccer fan and its just too fucking long. But congratulations anyway… drogba is a cunt. Interesting to see that all your good guys are also ancient. Bit of the “In my day” about it all.
May 26th, 2009 @ 4:56 am
More proof that good guys always finish last.
May 26th, 2009 @ 7:22 am
Fabregas is a filthy gypsy and would not have been in the Good X1 unless he was an undercover agent of evil.
May 26th, 2009 @ 7:24 am
You’re just bitter about Goram, you Scotch cunt.
May 26th, 2009 @ 7:27 am
Fuck off he was schizophrenic hun, no time for the cunt but the chant of “There are only two Andy Gorams” is particularly funny.
May 26th, 2009 @ 7:29 am
heh, I do like that.
May 26th, 2009 @ 7:39 am
how is Alan Hansen evil?
May 26th, 2009 @ 7:53 am
Look at him. The dead eyes, the scar on his forehead, the close association with Mark Lawrenson. He eats babies. Everyone knows it.
May 26th, 2009 @ 8:07 am
On this occasion I’m with Major , Hansen is evil , show him a crucific and he will spew shite..oh he does that whenever he opens his mouth. He was also born in Sauchie, which is well know in Scotland for being a portal into Hell.
May 26th, 2009 @ 8:29 am
Bobby Moore? Lock up your jewellery.
May 26th, 2009 @ 8:34 am
Rangers – champions, Champions !
May 26th, 2009 @ 8:36 am
No Maradona? In either team?
May 26th, 2009 @ 9:27 am
As Goram is schizophrenic shouldn’t he be on both teams? I’d like to nominate Harold Schumacher as Evil XI keeper.
May 26th, 2009 @ 10:23 am
Maggot fuck off you hun loving bowler hatted flute playing cock badger.
May 26th, 2009 @ 10:31 am
You jeb-end. All that for a poxy pun from a Kings of Leon song?
I have to admit, it did make me laugh though.
May 26th, 2009 @ 11:03 am
LOL PP – I thought of you when I wrote that !
May 26th, 2009 @ 11:04 am
Waffles – can you explain the pun ? Never heard of Kings of Leon.
May 26th, 2009 @ 11:08 am
Steve Heighway would’ve swung it for the Goodies.
May 26th, 2009 @ 11:10 am
maggot – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHhhcKxflMY
A Heighwayman could be good or evil
May 26th, 2009 @ 11:14 am
Eek – Video not available in my country and takes me to Susan Doyle!
May 26th, 2009 @ 11:27 am
you a gooner twenty?
May 26th, 2009 @ 11:59 am
That Fabregas. Now he’s getting away with spitting at that Hull lot aswell.
I mean, if you can’t swap bodily fluids, what’s the point of having Cesc?
May 26th, 2009 @ 1:08 pm
Roy Keane is one of the good guys. Full stop.
May 26th, 2009 @ 1:41 pm
Police have confirmed that two Premiership footballers had their homes burgled last night. Ryan Giggs of Manchester United lost: 2 Champions League medals 11 Premiership medals 5 FA Cup medals 2 World club champions medals 8 Charity Shield medals 1 Super cup medal And 2 League cup medals.
On the same night, Cesc Fabregas of Arsenal, lost a kettle and a toaster.
May 26th, 2009 @ 2:01 pm
Loved this post. Andrei Arshavin’s proving to be a good guy, perhaps he could be included too. And with a name like that I’m sure there’s puns to be made.
May 26th, 2009 @ 4:49 pm
On the same night, Cesc Fabregas of Arsenal, lost a kettle and a toaster.
Could they not find his medals? Perhaps he had them in a safe. Still you think they’d have taken more than kitchen ware, like maybe a flat screen tv or some jewellery.
And you’d think giggs would have his medals in a safe. There’s something fishy about this
May 26th, 2009 @ 4:57 pm
Something fishy? Surely not. You’re codding me Peadar!!
May 26th, 2009 @ 11:32 pm
Thought this was brilliant, thanks.
Can’t figure out why Kev wasn’t with the goodies. I mean, our Kev.