So near so spa
Posted on | April 21, 2009 | 53 Comments
“You know what, Dave?”, I said as he waffled on, at length, about why he would rather have a hairy arse than a fat arse.
“What?”, he replied.
“You’re a fuckin’ spa”.
“What?”
“I said, ‘You’re a fuckin’ spa’”.
“A spa?”
“Yeah, a big, smelly, fuckin’ spa”.
“That’s not politically correct you know”.
“So what? You spa”.
“It’s not nice to … erm … you know … spas”.
“Ahh, but think about it. How long has it been since someone called you a spa?”
“Hmmm, lemme think … uhm … off the top of my head I’d say it was about 1985″.
“Right”.
“So?”
“And when’s the last time someone called you a mong?”
“Jimmy, ten minutes ago”.
“And when’s the last time someone called you a ‘tard?”
“Ron, when I ordered a Moscow Mule instead of a pint of Guinness”.
“Exactly. So the word ‘spa’, which was so prevelant back in the day, has simply been replaced by other words. It’s no less politically correct to call someone a mong or a retard. In fact, some people get all antsy when you use the word ‘retard’ but wouldn’t say a thing if you used the word ‘spa’”.
“What’s your point?”
“My point is, you spa, is that we need to resurrect the word ‘spa’ again. It’s a glorious word. It’s a word you use then put your tongue underneath your bottom lip, push out, and make a spa-face at someone. We cannot allow its use to become antiquated or for it to die out altogether. We need to go back to the 80s and bring back the spa”.
“Yeah!”
“To make this happen everyone needs to call someone a spa today. Tell your friends, family, colleagues, milkman, whoever. If you’re bothered by someone, they’re a spa. Brian Lenihan with his easy-t0-misinterpret budget, spa. Ryan Tubridy and his face, spa. Cristiano Ronaldo, spa. Kathryn Thomas, Mundy, Barry Egan, spa, spa, SPA. We’re bringing the spa back, Dave. Are you with me?”
“Yeah”.
“I SAID ARE YOU WITH ME?”
“YEAH!!!”
“Good man”.
“Hey Jimmy!”, said Dave.
“What?”, said Jimmy.
“You’re a spa!”
“Shut up, ya fuckin’ Joey”.
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53 Responses to “So near so spa”
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April 21st, 2009 @ 8:42 am
Spa Hotel…
April 21st, 2009 @ 8:46 am
The Absolute Hotel has a health spa in it ,its called The Absolute Spa and all the staff have to walk around with this logo and signage on their uniforms..
If that isn’t a good cheap laugh then I don’t know what is?
April 21st, 2009 @ 9:08 am
And nobody calls anybody a steamer anymore. It’s plainly ridiculous.
April 21st, 2009 @ 9:18 am
Amongst a few close mates Steamer gets used quite a lot,for maximum effect it needs to be roared at the person from about 5o feet away,preferably in a busy hight street.
“STAYMOR!!!” is the correct pronunciation..
April 21st, 2009 @ 9:24 am
What’s wrong with cunt ? Easy to remember and politically correct.
April 21st, 2009 @ 9:48 am
If that isn’t a good cheap laugh then I don’t know what is?
Heh, i read the brochure for that place, fairly hilarious how much bullshit they can put based on a scented bath or something.
April 21st, 2009 @ 10:15 am
You’re absolutely right, though I never stopped using it myself. And I can’t justify it remotely, but I hate Mong, ‘tard, Mong-tard and all them new-fangled insults while the word spa pops out on a depressingly regular basis. It’s an 80s thing I suppose, like singing along to Adam and the Ants.
April 21st, 2009 @ 10:22 am
Calling someone a spa is not nice. Cop on ya fucking handicap
April 21st, 2009 @ 10:29 am
Handicap-thats one i use,of course people think that by using it that you are taking the piss out of Handicapped people.But fear not!
By calling someone a handicap you are in fact saying that the person is a weight on the world,ie a handicap to the planet..
You handicaps…
April 21st, 2009 @ 10:33 am
fuck up fill3rup you retarded handicapped spastic
April 21st, 2009 @ 10:44 am
I didn’t realise Spa had gone off the radar. You must just be hangin with the wrong crowd Twenty ya capper.
April 21st, 2009 @ 10:45 am
I’m also quite partial to Window Licker.
April 21st, 2009 @ 10:50 am
i think calling someone a “same face” is underrated.
April 21st, 2009 @ 10:54 am
Benny
April 21st, 2009 @ 11:00 am
The Original Benny – looked a bit like your teashop, no ?
April 21st, 2009 @ 11:05 am
Heh.Benny…
Hows the new wheelchair Peadar? has it got that dribblemaster 5000 on it to stop drooly accidents?
April 21st, 2009 @ 11:10 am
I have to admit, I find it hard to let spa, and the spa face go, it’s never left me.
Much as I hate to align myself with you pack of 12 year old boys.
April 21st, 2009 @ 11:16 am
Ah sure your a 12 year old boy at heart Jo
April 21st, 2009 @ 11:20 am
You big Spa face!
April 21st, 2009 @ 11:30 am
Bender?
April 21st, 2009 @ 11:32 am
homo
April 21st, 2009 @ 11:55 am
Cute, John! Did you just happen to have that handy?
April 21st, 2009 @ 12:01 pm
You big Spa face!
*groan*
I called someone a Joey Deacon the other day and they had no idea what I was on about.
April 21st, 2009 @ 12:02 pm
SPA-TARD
or HANDI-TARD
Compound insults are the way to go I think.
Thundercunt.
April 21st, 2009 @ 12:12 pm
When I was a kid there was a show in TV called “Life goes on”. It was about a family with son who had Down syndrome. Have you seen it? Everyone was watching it. It was on TV on 3 different stations twice a day. Because of this most of people I know would get offended if called “Corky”.
Straaange…
April 21st, 2009 @ 12:25 pm
bumders
April 21st, 2009 @ 12:26 pm
Corky Fo’ Class Pwesident!
Heh.
April 21st, 2009 @ 12:30 pm
its the term Joey i’ve been missing! i feel resuscitated.
April 21st, 2009 @ 12:36 pm
ya fucking christy!
April 21st, 2009 @ 1:01 pm
>Cute, John!
>Did you just happen to have that handy?
Yeah I took that photo a while ago. I do like that ‘faces of the earth’ stuff: http://flabbergastedly.com/?p=96
April 21st, 2009 @ 1:07 pm
In my delightful hometown it was a real kick in the tits to be called a ‘Christy Tick Tock’. It was an homage of sorts to this chappy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBjawhWF-Rc
(personally, I think you can’t beat ‘bender’ or ‘you fucking gorta’)
April 21st, 2009 @ 2:00 pm
Ya fuckin’ sap. Beautiful.
April 21st, 2009 @ 3:18 pm
John, those are FAB. I never saw those before. I love the grater, and the happy chair, and the crazed window on drugs. I’m going to look for those in my house.
My friend is a SN assistant, and said all her CP kids used to call each other Christies.
April 21st, 2009 @ 3:57 pm
One of the best put-down I ever overheard was in a pub in a Midlands village. A young fellow was coming on pretty strong until an old farmer growled at him: “Shuddup, for fuck’s sake! Yer like a fuckin’ jackass’s langer – a big man when yer out!”
April 21st, 2009 @ 3:57 pm
Double spa steamer
April 21st, 2009 @ 4:33 pm
latchie ko and sham (pronounced shom) are the ones I missed.
April 21st, 2009 @ 5:41 pm
Berk
April 21st, 2009 @ 5:54 pm
ya fucking spa you’re taken
or
ya fucking spa your swept
April 21st, 2009 @ 7:00 pm
Windowlicker
Retee
‘Tard
April 21st, 2009 @ 8:29 pm
one for Twenty
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20090421/tuk-naked-gnomes-cover-up-order-6323e80.html
April 21st, 2009 @ 10:58 pm
I’m not so sure Twenty, resurrecting ‘spa’ as an insult could be harder than you think. Consider that both Amy Winehouse and Rihanna have recently tried to resurrect the ‘rehab’ without any great degree of success and, let’s face it, they’re both hotter than you.
Yes, even Amy.
April 22nd, 2009 @ 12:34 am
Spa certainly never went away in Wicklow. I try to use it at least 3 times a day. ‘Spanner’ must be due a comeback, though I never saw its appeal.
April 22nd, 2009 @ 5:44 am
Don’t underestimate the garden gnome threat. That council in the UK was right to try and control them. They’re taking over everywhere. Look, this one is the head of state of a middling-sized power:
http://www.president.pl/x.node?id=2011993&eventId=28027883
April 22nd, 2009 @ 8:10 am
Is ‘jammy’ still used in Dublin as a qualifier?
As in ‘Ye jammy bastard ye!’.
April 22nd, 2009 @ 8:11 am
It’s often used to describe the Old Trafford scum.
April 22nd, 2009 @ 8:20 am
If your bringing back ‘tube’
Youre some tube
April 22nd, 2009 @ 8:22 am
Are there still “fuckin’ wagons” in Dublin?
April 22nd, 2009 @ 8:49 am
I think you’ll find the correct term is “flid”
April 22nd, 2009 @ 9:09 am
God I’d forgotten that one…from years living in Manchestoh, it’s short for Flidomide though, where spa is short for spastic. Then there was “Don’t have an epi”.Them were the days.
April 22nd, 2009 @ 1:41 pm
I like using ‘Downer’Fuck off, ya downer
April 22nd, 2009 @ 3:13 pm
[...] post from Twenty on health spas in Ireland. I [...]
April 22nd, 2009 @ 8:27 pm
Pillock
April 23rd, 2009 @ 2:01 pm
True fact: go into Waterstones on Dawson Street and find Twenty’s latest book (It’s under M for Major), move three books to the left and you find one caled ‘Spa Wars’.