Combinations
We all know of the splendiferous effects of Guinness. It makes you drunk and fills you up like a four course meal. The next morning, well, there’s the unbearable blackness of pooing.
Dark matter spews forth in a torrent, gushing into the world to be set free on its journey to the sea where Dublin Bay prawns grow large on effluent and radioactive Sellafield leftovers.
Yet when you combine Guinness and a Zaytoon kebab something wonderful happens. Instead of the inky torrent, one releases majestic diamonds into the bowl. Flawless, shining, priceless and quite, quite beautiful. Gems that would sit alone, gleaming brilliantly in the middle of a museum, protected in a glass case with laser beams to foil even the most daring of robbers.
Precious stones so stunning that people would stop and stare, seeing their life reflected back at them in shards of dazzling light, everything making sense, the answers we seek twinkling at us from this most arresting bijou.
Oh, if only that wasn’t a filthy, dirty lie. If only it were true and my anus was not scorched to within an inch of its life by a cascade of fiery lava.
If only.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:24 am
I love that Guinness heat. It makes you feel alive.
Plus it brews the most horrific farts, so rank you can’t even enjoy your own…
April 6th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Chicken shawarma?
April 6th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Lamb doner
April 6th, 2009 at 9:47 am
zaytoon mixed doner meal and Guinness will fuck your shit up
April 6th, 2009 at 9:57 am
You could be on to something marketable there. The Topkapi-Kebab for a colonic with a diamond clean finish.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:00 am
You’ll find that onion bhajias will make your ring feel like you have been shitting diamonds. Big, multi-sided, fuck-off Koh-i-noor type diamonds too…
April 6th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Should be a warning about eating Kebabs after drinking Guinness…
There Will Be Blood
Catchy eh?
April 6th, 2009 at 11:10 am
A few pints of guinness before the meal red wine with the meal and prawns jalfrazy as a main course. Never again it was painful and blacker than coal.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Why is it that, so often when I read your posts, I am reminded of my old flatmates?
April 6th, 2009 at 11:19 am
When I was in hospital last year, I had severe constipation and was asking the Doctor what he could do about it. Behind him, stood the very cute and very capable young nurse. He suggested prune juice or an enema. As I said, “Isn’t an enema a…..” The nurse was making exploding arse gestures and shaking her head side to side.
I went with the prune juice.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Why is it that, so often when I read your posts, I am reminded of my old flatmates?
Hmmm, flatmates usually aren’t cool so I’m staying quiet on that one.
Did the prune juice work, HM?
April 6th, 2009 at 11:32 am
If you drink 10 pints of guinness and cant shite the next morning then you probably need to see a doctor in Switzerland or somewhere..
April 6th, 2009 at 11:58 am
May I suggest drinking several pints of water dyed with the super-vitamin Barrocca? Barrocca turns your piss oranger than Ian Paisley; Guinness turns your sludge blacker than the heart of Lord Lucan. Let the two battle for supremacy of the bowl, Paisley versus Lucan.
I’ve been there, and the resulting black, beset by an orange glow, is reminiscent of an old coal fire in a winter lodge.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
heh
Anything that fizzy would be bad now though. Very bad indeed.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
by the way, will existing forum members also not be getting their free gifts?
April 6th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
What’s a Zaytoon kebab?
April 6th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Yeah the prune juice worked a treat (three days waiting).
April 6th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I went with the Guinness/Vodka and Tonic chasers blend on Friday night and thought I’d given the black slurry a swerve, as a beautiful brown fish was the first thing to appear on the Saturday. Alas I had shat too soon and the sludge appeared later on in the day – twice.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
The nurse was making exploding arse gestures and shaking her head side to side.
H, did you consider the possibility that the nurse just didn’t want to give YOUR arse an enema?
April 6th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
The Champagne Shite:
Hard cork squeezes out slowly followed by the uncontrolled gushing forth of the slithery sludge.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Yes, good point SOS, hadn’t thought of that.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Sweetcorn. Heh heh. What’s that all about?
April 6th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Oh, if only that wasn’t a filthy, dirty lie. If only it were true and my anus was not scorched to within an inch of its life by a cascade of fiery lava.
Fear not, there is an answer – liberal application of cookeen or lard ( after lanacaine cream ) to the ringpiece before voiding commences.
April 6th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
What’s a Zaytoon Kebab
http://www.dublinks.com/index.cfm/loc/8/pt/0/spid/9FC9487D-DAAB-407B-945AD1C4CB6DB761.htm
April 6th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Btw, and not entirely off topic, is it still possible to buy a set of ‘combinations’? Just in case it’s another no-Summer year.
April 6th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Fascinating Twenty. I know not whether you are a patron of the visual arts, but did you know that Francis Bacon had a whole portrait collection entitled:
“A Feed of Guinness and a Lamb Doner (with extra hot sauce)”?
Here are but a few samples:
http://serezombie.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/image_520823.jpg
http://www.guiacultural.com/imagenes/39c_bacon_personajemed.jpg
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_L6qtVaopzh4/RhfHY6Mfg6I/AAAAAAAAAJI/f8Dq6fNGDVg/s400/bacon_study1953.jpg
http://www.masdearte.com/imagenes/fotos/E_baconprado_2.jpg
http://portosepolto.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/francis-bacon-portrait-of-george-dyer-talking-19661.jpg
April 6th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I’ve just fired one out that required no wiping whatsoever.
It’s a good day.
April 6th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Maxi, that’s called a Considerate Shite.
April 6th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Oh dear. Loath as I am to join in, it’s called a mystery poo – if it’s also odourless and soundless and disappears down the toilet by itself.
Happened me once. I think that’s how the perfectly healthy bowel would evacuate waste, maybe it’s what Gillian Keith does, effortlessly.
April 6th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
It was a floater.
April 6th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
maybe it’s what Gillian Keith does, effortlessly.
amongst the things i could happily go through life not knowing,is studd that Gillian Mckeith can do effortlessly…
April 6th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
maybe it’s what Gillian Keith does, effortlessly.
amongst the things i could happily go through life not knowing,is stuff that Gillian Mckeith can do effortlessly…
April 6th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
ah balls…
April 6th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Fuck off out of here Jo and come back tomorrow.
I hate to hear women talking about shiting.
However your comment on a recent thread about testicles was appreciated
April 6th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
UPDATE……… Just removed the Pork & Pepper casserole and i have to say it was hard pushing cause of the sticky texture.At least i lost a few KG’s in weight and i do feel better both phyiscally & mentally.
Not sure about that Kebab & Guiness mix but sure it’s like wanking ……. you feel bad after it but you know you will do it again.
Isn’t the weather shite ?
April 6th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Not sure about that Kebab & Guiness mix but sure it’s like wanking ……. you feel bad after it but you know you will do it again.
Why would you feel bad after a wank? I feel great after one
April 6th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Why would you feel bad after a wank? I feel great after one
..even crywanks on those lonely,lonely nights Peadar?
April 6th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Maybe it’s guilt or loss of energy or both !
Not sure i can answer your question…….maybe a quick straw poll would enlighten me also.
Had 2 wanks yesterday & i was wrecked today & felt slighty guilty yesterday.
To be honest i don’t feel that bad after a ride but hey who would !
Lots of Love from Super Dick xx
April 6th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
of course not fill3rup, those ones cheer me up
April 6th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
“Stay Classy San Diego”
HA!
April 6th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
I prescribed someone pooing blood to drink Guinness to cure it. And by gum it did.
Guinness: Its Alive Inside
April 6th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Oh lordy, that was a bad combination >.<
April 6th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Why would you feel bad after a wank? I feel great after one
Spot the (believing) Catholic ?
April 6th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
[...] Guinness and Zaytoon food… Does. Not. Go! [...]
April 6th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
‘I’m going to Paul’s to do A poo’
’cause their shithouse smells nicer than ours’
April 6th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
It’s no wonder the Irish make such good politicians, they really know their shit.