Variation on a theme
We’ve done it with film stars and with films, but what about footballers?
Simply change one letter of a footballer’s name to make something new and infinitely more amusing. For example:
Damien Puff – winger and friend of Dorothy
Thierry Henly - top Japanese striker
Bobby Chorlton – slapheaded former kids TV favourite
Harry Jewell – permainjured Australian treasure
Robbie Fouler – Scouse hatchet man
Robin van Persil – Dutch washing powder thief
Shay Niven – goalkeeper and suave actor
Eric Cuntona – just coz
Gary Dirtles – Filthy former Forest forward
John Divine – Full back and fat, drag queen cabaret act
Johnny Piles – Hemorrhoid afflicted ex-player and RTE pundit
Kevin Moron – Not terribly intelligent centre-half
Steve Mould – Former Gunner made up of microscopic fungi
….
The possibilities are almost endless. Over to you. Remember, you can just change one letter, not two, not add letters, or anything else.
March 31st, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Henrik Lardson – A Chunky Hoop
March 31st, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Andrei Arshaven – Smooth as ya like
March 31st, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Paul Titson – Congratulations…it’s a boob
March 31st, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Gee Sharpe – Approach with caution
March 31st, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Pope Reina
Liverpool keeper decides saving souls more fulfilling than savi… you get the picture.
March 31st, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Berrnie Slave – one hit wonder with submissive fetish
March 31st, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Bernie Slave – one hit wonder with submissive fetish
March 31st, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Bernie Slave
Change one letter. Don’t add. Don’t take away. CHANGE!
March 31st, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Jamie Bollock – Just one nut that’s all it took….
March 31st, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Daniel Anger
Not such a laid-back Dane after all.
March 31st, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Puul Dickov – Enforcing Transexualism since 1972
March 31st, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Gordon Wanks – one way to stay warm when your not scoring
March 31st, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Goy Keane – Jewish Corkonian
March 31st, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Stephen Iceland
The cunt won’t play for any country
March 31st, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Gobbie Keane – loud mouth footballer
March 31st, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Nano – ‘diminutive bit player’ at Old Trafford.
Lee Chipman – Leeds legend, now working at McDonalds
Ryan Higgs United veteran, as elusive as the sub-atomic boson particle which shares his name
Peter Isgood – No wonder he was so popular at Chelsea
Nobby Smiles – particularly when he’s just embedded his studs in your knee…
March 31st, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Wayne Pooney – Mad for the vag
March 31st, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Dingo Maradona
Didnt go down so well with the Ozzies
March 31st, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Sony Cascarino – new invention from sony, discarded cause it was shit
March 31st, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Walter Pundiani – total (word) player
March 31st, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Steve Brulé
never desserted his position
March 31st, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Billy Piddell
Pissed all over the opposition
March 31st, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Baron Lennon
March 31st, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Ian Gush
Goals flowed for the etc etc
March 31st, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Danny Shitto
Nope, still no improvement
March 31st, 2009 at 4:41 pm
since your correcting today Major, I thought I might point out that a ‘goy’ is a non-jew.. ahem!
March 31st, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Packie Bonger
Donegalman ends career, hits the pipe
March 31st, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Maul Gascoigne – lunatic Geordie paws women in nightclubs
March 31st, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Joe Cold – permanently frosty Chelsea midfielder
March 31st, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Steve McMinaman – The evil, vertically challenged sidekick.
March 31st, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Gary Rineker. Played for Grampus 8 in Japan.
March 31st, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Trebor Cherry – Leeds midfielder makes extra strong mints
March 31st, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Pole – the best player ever (from Eastern Europe)
March 31st, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Hairy Kewell – useless, but wonderfully hirsute Australian star
March 31st, 2009 at 6:52 pm
David Peckham – Rodney and Del Boy’s mayor.
Saul Gascoigne – Troubled midfielder before rehab.
John Berry – MTV Dave’s older, uglier cuntswoggler of a brother.
Petr Czech – Goalkeeper joins Stephen Ireland’s quest for greater transparency.
John Merry – Chelsea penalty hero two lime Bacardi Breezers off pissing on a bar.
Jonathan Woodmate – Preening defender befriends his Paki-beating weapon of choice.
Amaury Beschoff – failed Arsenal midfielder rejoins the family trade.
Eddie McHoldrick – Former Crystal Palace and Ireland superstar gets to grips with 2FM DJ.
Fuck, I’m done.
March 31st, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Lube Moravcik – Slides in there nicely
March 31st, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Cordon Strachan
nothing to see here
March 31st, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Silly Bremner – Leeds toughman wears comedy moustahces
March 31st, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Messy- 2 left feet
March 31st, 2009 at 9:51 pm
George Vest – Carrier bag king.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Edwin van der Car – four wheeled goalkeeper
Edwin van der Bar – alcohol friendly goalkeeper
Stewart Gowning – left footed frock wearing Boro winger
Gianfranco Gola – old skool kit sponsored Italian
March 31st, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Paul
March 31st, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Dan PetRescue – former Chelsea footballer turned star of BBC animal rescue series
March 31st, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Betr Cech – that he is wearing his silly head gear
Benji Mc Carthy – had a dogs life at Blackburn
Casey Seller – ‘cash for saves’ goalkeeper
Shay Giver – a very charitable Donegal man
Paul Inch – tiny midfielder, now a tiny manager
Paul Scholls – wearer of comfortable sandals
Dada – Brazilian father
Demo – this Portugeuse winger likes to show off
Pale – a great player, but a little peaky
Steve Brute – vicious donkey of a defender
March 31st, 2009 at 11:04 pm
wavin peacock
playing footy was only a pipe dream for him
March 31st, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Joe Cone – will wind up in the ice-cream business
Joe Colt – maybe training horses
Joe Code – programming computers
Joe Mole – digging tunnels
Joe Role – or an example to kids!
Ashley Vole – or is this rodent a love-rat?
Pele Reina – he saves, he scores!
John Ferry – carries up to 10 passengers
April 1st, 2009 at 12:03 am
Twank – octogenarian, gravity-boobed scrubber, turning tricks on street corners for twenty euro a pop (fifteen if you take an autograph home with you). Often mistaken for her evil twin Twink.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:30 am
Barry Van Hire
April 1st, 2009 at 7:32 am
Robin Van Persil – Always gets a clean shot away
April 1st, 2009 at 7:36 am
Robin van Persil – read the post, Rob!
Marc Overmarc – Dutch winger in bizarre hurdling-self loop
Alexander Pleb – common Barcelona twat
Samuel Eto’n – public schooled Cameroonian striker
Ashley Grimey – filthy former Irish star
Anderton – Always injured Brazilian midfielder
Paul McShape – Sunderland defender with defined form
April 1st, 2009 at 7:37 am
Franck Robery
Criminal genius, stole to compensate for illiteracy
April 1st, 2009 at 7:41 am
Lupa Toni – Wolfish Italian striker
William Callas – opera singing French defender
Gael Cliché – it’s a game of two halves for Arsenal left back
Jermaine Tennant – lager swilling, jail bird shitkicker
Steven Warcock – Blackburn defender’s phallus always looking for a fight
April 1st, 2009 at 7:57 am
Fee Chapman – former Leeds frontman, now only accepts huge sums for personal appearances.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:23 am
Sleve Staunton – The incomplete article
April 1st, 2009 at 8:24 am
Sleve Gunn – The sneaky weapon.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:27 am
Steve Stole – To heed his hungry family… But it doesn’t make it right.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:51 am
Alive Allen – Immortal former Spurs striker
Brute Grobbelar – violent match fixing keeper
Benny Cunningham – Gay Wimbledon and Ireland defender
Kant – Lanky Nigerian philosopher
Nelson Visas – Argentinian defender can travel anywhere in the world
April 1st, 2009 at 9:05 am
Jane Goody – little known Essex woman, but she’s still alive
April 1st, 2009 at 9:08 am
I’m sorry, I fucked up. I’ll re-read the question.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:09 am
Peter Stilton – Ex-England goalkeeper with a cheesy smile.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:13 am
Bally Bremner – Diminutive ginger footballer with a very high voice who played for Leeds and Everton.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:17 am
Ashley Stole, likes to go shopping with teammates mum and mother in law.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:19 am
I read the post twenty, I was changing his explanation.
Is this another convention? That I have to read the post?
Fuck sake, it’s like school…
April 1st, 2009 at 9:20 am
shit 2 letters oops
April 1st, 2009 at 9:20 am
Pene
No-one could pasta ball as good as him
April 1st, 2009 at 9:21 am
Trebor Brooking – Ex West Ham star, livened himself up by becoming a mint.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:22 am
David Peckham
What a plonker
April 1st, 2009 at 9:24 am
Gascarino- Elusive cramp found only on the football pitch. No way related to Gasgreengangrene-o the scurge of the trenches of World War 1.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:26 am
Niall Quint – if you’ve got a great white shark in your waters he’ll catch it for you. It won’t be cheap. Ten thousand dollars for him by himself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:27 am
Stephen Iceland…
Has both his grannies in the freezer
April 1st, 2009 at 9:29 am
Paul Merton – swaps Arsenal for Have I got news for you
April 1st, 2009 at 9:33 am
Qloyd Samuel – got sick of the J.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:51 am
Tony O’Cascarin
Became proper Irish.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:02 am
John Coshack – Russian born Welsh footballer, who had a passion for Sean Connery films.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:06 am
Bean Windass – self explanatory really
April 1st, 2009 at 10:18 am
Petr Čqch – Why not? His name never made fucking sense anyway.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:26 am
Bum-Kum Cha – Korean striker with a novel, but now banned, goal celebration.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:26 am
Ronalco – Portly Brazilian striker with a drink problem
Donaldo – Portly Brazilian striker who’s also a duck.
Ryan Biggs – Midfield train robber
Kevin Boyle – Roscommon striker
Gory Delap – Covered in blood
Gobinho – Big mouthed Brazilian
George Pest – Annoying nordie
Drank Lampard – Thirsty midfielder
Ashley Hole – Wide open on the wing
This is fun….
April 1st, 2009 at 10:38 am
Jimmy Greives – Cheeky cockney dyslexic goal poacher, forced to give up football after his great mate, Bobby Moore, died.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:38 am
Tiny Adams-lanky arsenal prick
Danny Shitty-crap footballer
Clitton Morrison-pussy
Johnny Piles-anus horibilus
Michael Owed-the bookies are after me
Darren Lent-give it up
Didies Drogba-chelsea tit
April 1st, 2009 at 10:43 am
Geoff Wurst – Sibling of renowned German footballing twins, Brat and Bock. Was tried as a traitor in Berlin for scoring a hat-trick against his native team.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:55 am
Jurgen Klansmann – Sacked by Bayern after a problem with his crosses.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:58 am
John Tashanu – thuggish Wimbledon striker with hair on his top lip
Justin Tashanu – his gay brother who has stuck the tip in his brother’s arse
April 1st, 2009 at 11:04 am
Wothar Matthaus and Jenk Lehmann – An odd couple
April 1st, 2009 at 11:19 am
Penis Raw. Scotland and Manchester United player who changed his surname, by deed poll, from Law (on April 1st 2009) in order that it would only require the substitution of one letter to make a ’sore cock’ joke, and therefore remain within the rules laid down by Mr Major(sir).
April 1st, 2009 at 12:43 pm
haha Justin Fashanu. Suckin off lads in their sleep. Idiot.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:44 pm
As opposed to suckin off lads when they’re awake. Which is super intelligent.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Raffel Benitez. But would the tickets sell?
April 1st, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Flex Ferguson. Most popular xmas 2009 toy, similar to Stretch Armstrong. Get in early.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Crapp. Let’s hope we are not tonight…
April 1st, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Michel Flatini – French footballer turned dwelling
Bele – Fat Brazilian
Speed Malbranque – if he goes below 50 he explodes
Steven Carp – fishy full-back
April 1st, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Shay Niven
Saves goals in a smoking jacket and thin moustache.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:53 pm
heh, that was in the post, HM
April 1st, 2009 at 1:57 pm
oh shit really? subliminal.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Craik Bellamy – Only played for a laugh.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Stab Collymore – Woman-beating was just the start of things to come…
April 1st, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Jammy Greenhoff – How did that go in? The lucky fucking bastard.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Gorgon McQueen – “About her shoulders she flung the tasselled aegis, fraught with terror…and therein is the head of the dread monster, the Gorgon, dread and awful, a portent of Zeus that beareth the aegis. And it hit the back of the net like a rocket”.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Rave O’Leary, 70s Irish porn flick.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Michael Laudrip – No one can match the fart power
April 1st, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Iam Rush, egotistical prick.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Michael Laudrip – Blowing the opposition away.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Peter Grouch, always moanin to the ref.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Pay Houghton, dodgy debt collectors.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Kevin Veegan
Dyslexic vegatarian.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Kevin Keenan – Never really made the big time. Missed two world cups whilst in Beirut. Never played for England again.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Vinny Bones
Butcher of Wimbledon
April 1st, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Normal Whiteside, just is.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Jimmy Broomfield – Played mainly in a sweeper’s role.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Gordon Wanks
Promising keeper, kicked off the team for spending too long in the showers.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Clive Alpen – Spent most of halftime listening to the Manager while sitting on the crapper. Had the club’s record turn out.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Stefan Cuntz, so near and yet so far…
April 1st, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Pony Book – Left football to write children’s literature.
April 1st, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Jesper Olden – prematurely aged Man United winger
Andrea Kanchelskis – football’s first sex-change player
Maradoga – a terrier in midfield
Tony Grealism – Pragmatic Frosties lover
April 1st, 2009 at 4:24 pm
rossy, pepo and perilo – dublin boys with an italian touch
April 1st, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Coy Keane
The alter-ego of Roy
April 6th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Bico – - – - Zicos half cast Turkish cousin … Currently plying is trade in the Watford reserves … Drives a Megane van.
April 9th, 2009 at 10:33 am
David Semen…I can’t believe I read all the way to the bottom and nobody said that.