We’ve done it with film stars and with films, but what about footballers?
Simply change one letter of a footballer’s name to make something new and infinitely more amusing. For example:
Damien Puff – winger and friend of Dorothy
Thierry Henly - top Japanese striker
Bobby Chorlton – slapheaded former kids TV favourite
Harry Jewell – permainjured Australian treasure
Robbie Fouler – Scouse hatchet man
Robin van Persil – Dutch washing powder thief
Shay Niven – goalkeeper and suave actor
Eric Cuntona – just coz
Gary Dirtles – Filthy former Forest forward
John Divine – Full back and fat, drag queen cabaret act
Johnny Piles – Hemorrhoid afflicted ex-player and RTE pundit
Kevin Moron – Not terribly intelligent centre-half
Steve Mould – Former Gunner made up of microscopic fungi
….
The possibilities are almost endless. Over to you. Remember, you can just change one letter, not two, not add letters, or anything else.
Henrik Lardson – A Chunky Hoop
Andrei Arshaven – Smooth as ya like
Paul Titson – Congratulations…it’s a boob
Gee Sharpe – Approach with caution
Pope Reina
Liverpool keeper decides saving souls more fulfilling than savi… you get the picture.
Berrnie Slave – one hit wonder with submissive fetish
Bernie Slave – one hit wonder with submissive fetish
Bernie Slave
Change one letter. Don’t add. Don’t take away. CHANGE!
Jamie Bollock – Just one nut that’s all it took….
Daniel Anger
Not such a laid-back Dane after all.
Puul Dickov – Enforcing Transexualism since 1972
Gordon Wanks – one way to stay warm when your not scoring
Goy Keane – Jewish Corkonian
Stephen Iceland
The cunt won’t play for any country
Gobbie Keane – loud mouth footballer
Nano – ‘diminutive bit player’ at Old Trafford.
Lee Chipman – Leeds legend, now working at McDonalds
Ryan Higgs United veteran, as elusive as the sub-atomic boson particle which shares his name
Peter Isgood – No wonder he was so popular at Chelsea
Nobby Smiles – particularly when he’s just embedded his studs in your knee…
Wayne Pooney – Mad for the vag
Dingo Maradona
Didnt go down so well with the Ozzies
Sony Cascarino – new invention from sony, discarded cause it was shit
Walter Pundiani – total (word) player
Steve Brulé
never desserted his position
Billy Piddell
Pissed all over the opposition
Baron Lennon
Ian Gush
Goals flowed for the etc etc
Danny Shitto
Nope, still no improvement
since your correcting today Major, I thought I might point out that a ‘goy’ is a non-jew.. ahem!
Packie Bonger
Donegalman ends career, hits the pipe
Maul Gascoigne – lunatic Geordie paws women in nightclubs
Joe Cold – permanently frosty Chelsea midfielder
Steve McMinaman – The evil, vertically challenged sidekick.
Gary Rineker. Played for Grampus 8 in Japan.
Trebor Cherry – Leeds midfielder makes extra strong mints
Pole – the best player ever (from Eastern Europe)
Hairy Kewell – useless, but wonderfully hirsute Australian star
David Peckham – Rodney and Del Boy’s mayor.
Saul Gascoigne – Troubled midfielder before rehab.
John Berry – MTV Dave’s older, uglier cuntswoggler of a brother.
Petr Czech – Goalkeeper joins Stephen Ireland’s quest for greater transparency.
John Merry – Chelsea penalty hero two lime Bacardi Breezers off pissing on a bar.
Jonathan Woodmate – Preening defender befriends his Paki-beating weapon of choice.
Amaury Beschoff – failed Arsenal midfielder rejoins the family trade.
Eddie McHoldrick – Former Crystal Palace and Ireland superstar gets to grips with 2FM DJ.
Fuck, I’m done.
Lube Moravcik – Slides in there nicely
Cordon Strachan
nothing to see here
Silly Bremner – Leeds toughman wears comedy moustahces
Messy- 2 left feet
George Vest – Carrier bag king.
Edwin van der Car – four wheeled goalkeeper
Edwin van der Bar – alcohol friendly goalkeeper
Stewart Gowning – left footed frock wearing Boro winger
Gianfranco Gola – old skool kit sponsored Italian
Paul
Dan PetRescue – former Chelsea footballer turned star of BBC animal rescue series
Betr Cech – that he is wearing his silly head gear
Benji Mc Carthy – had a dogs life at Blackburn
Casey Seller – ‘cash for saves’ goalkeeper
Shay Giver – a very charitable Donegal man
Paul Inch – tiny midfielder, now a tiny manager
Paul Scholls – wearer of comfortable sandals
Dada – Brazilian father
Demo – this Portugeuse winger likes to show off
Pale – a great player, but a little peaky
Steve Brute – vicious donkey of a defender
wavin peacock
playing footy was only a pipe dream for him
Joe Cone – will wind up in the ice-cream business
Joe Colt – maybe training horses
Joe Code – programming computers
Joe Mole – digging tunnels
Joe Role – or an example to kids!
Ashley Vole – or is this rodent a love-rat?
Pele Reina – he saves, he scores!
John Ferry – carries up to 10 passengers
Twank – octogenarian, gravity-boobed scrubber, turning tricks on street corners for twenty euro a pop (fifteen if you take an autograph home with you). Often mistaken for her evil twin Twink.
Barry Van Hire
Robin Van Persil – Always gets a clean shot away
Robin van Persil – read the post, Rob!
Marc Overmarc – Dutch winger in bizarre hurdling-self loop
Alexander Pleb – common Barcelona twat
Samuel Eto’n – public schooled Cameroonian striker
Ashley Grimey – filthy former Irish star
Anderton – Always injured Brazilian midfielder
Paul McShape – Sunderland defender with defined form
Franck Robery
Criminal genius, stole to compensate for illiteracy
Lupa Toni – Wolfish Italian striker
William Callas – opera singing French defender
Gael Cliché – it’s a game of two halves for Arsenal left back
Jermaine Tennant – lager swilling, jail bird shitkicker
Steven Warcock – Blackburn defender’s phallus always looking for a fight
Fee Chapman – former Leeds frontman, now only accepts huge sums for personal appearances.
Sleve Staunton – The incomplete article
Sleve Gunn – The sneaky weapon.
Steve Stole – To heed his hungry family… But it doesn’t make it right.
Alive Allen – Immortal former Spurs striker
Brute Grobbelar – violent match fixing keeper
Benny Cunningham – Gay Wimbledon and Ireland defender
Kant – Lanky Nigerian philosopher
Nelson Visas – Argentinian defender can travel anywhere in the world
Jane Goody – little known Essex woman, but she’s still alive
I’m sorry, I fucked up. I’ll re-read the question.
Peter Stilton – Ex-England goalkeeper with a cheesy smile.
Bally Bremner – Diminutive ginger footballer with a very high voice who played for Leeds and Everton.
Ashley Stole, likes to go shopping with teammates mum and mother in law.
I read the post twenty, I was changing his explanation.
Is this another convention? That I have to read the post?
Fuck sake, it’s like school…
shit 2 letters oops
Pene
No-one could pasta ball as good as him
Trebor Brooking – Ex West Ham star, livened himself up by becoming a mint.
David Peckham
What a plonker
Gascarino- Elusive cramp found only on the football pitch. No way related to Gasgreengangrene-o the scurge of the trenches of World War 1.
Niall Quint – if you’ve got a great white shark in your waters he’ll catch it for you. It won’t be cheap. Ten thousand dollars for him by himself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.
Stephen Iceland…
Has both his grannies in the freezer
Paul Merton – swaps Arsenal for Have I got news for you
Qloyd Samuel – got sick of the J.
Tony O’Cascarin
Became proper Irish.
John Coshack – Russian born Welsh footballer, who had a passion for Sean Connery films.
Bean Windass – self explanatory really
Petr Čqch – Why not? His name never made fucking sense anyway.
Bum-Kum Cha – Korean striker with a novel, but now banned, goal celebration.
Ronalco – Portly Brazilian striker with a drink problem
Donaldo – Portly Brazilian striker who’s also a duck.
Ryan Biggs – Midfield train robber
Kevin Boyle – Roscommon striker
Gory Delap – Covered in blood
Gobinho – Big mouthed Brazilian
George Pest – Annoying nordie
Drank Lampard – Thirsty midfielder
Ashley Hole – Wide open on the wing
This is fun….
Jimmy Greives – Cheeky cockney dyslexic goal poacher, forced to give up football after his great mate, Bobby Moore, died.
Tiny Adams-lanky arsenal prick
Danny Shitty-crap footballer
Clitton Morrison-pussy
Johnny Piles-anus horibilus
Michael Owed-the bookies are after me
Darren Lent-give it up
Didies Drogba-chelsea tit
Geoff Wurst – Sibling of renowned German footballing twins, Brat and Bock. Was tried as a traitor in Berlin for scoring a hat-trick against his native team.
Jurgen Klansmann – Sacked by Bayern after a problem with his crosses.
John Tashanu – thuggish Wimbledon striker with hair on his top lip
Justin Tashanu – his gay brother who has stuck the tip in his brother’s arse
Wothar Matthaus and Jenk Lehmann – An odd couple
Penis Raw. Scotland and Manchester United player who changed his surname, by deed poll, from Law (on April 1st 2009) in order that it would only require the substitution of one letter to make a ‘sore cock’ joke, and therefore remain within the rules laid down by Mr Major(sir).
haha Justin Fashanu. Suckin off lads in their sleep. Idiot.
As opposed to suckin off lads when they’re awake. Which is super intelligent.
Raffel Benitez. But would the tickets sell?
Flex Ferguson. Most popular xmas 2009 toy, similar to Stretch Armstrong. Get in early.
Crapp. Let’s hope we are not tonight…
Michel Flatini – French footballer turned dwelling
Bele – Fat Brazilian
Speed Malbranque – if he goes below 50 he explodes
Steven Carp – fishy full-back
Shay Niven
Saves goals in a smoking jacket and thin moustache.
heh, that was in the post, HM
oh shit really? subliminal.
Craik Bellamy – Only played for a laugh.
Stab Collymore – Woman-beating was just the start of things to come…
Jammy Greenhoff – How did that go in? The lucky fucking bastard.
Gorgon McQueen – “About her shoulders she flung the tasselled aegis, fraught with terror…and therein is the head of the dread monster, the Gorgon, dread and awful, a portent of Zeus that beareth the aegis. And it hit the back of the net like a rocket”.
Rave O’Leary, 70s Irish porn flick.
Michael Laudrip – No one can match the fart power
Iam Rush, egotistical prick.
Michael Laudrip – Blowing the opposition away.
Peter Grouch, always moanin to the ref.
Pay Houghton, dodgy debt collectors.
Kevin Veegan
Dyslexic vegatarian.
Kevin Keenan – Never really made the big time. Missed two world cups whilst in Beirut. Never played for England again.
Vinny Bones
Butcher of Wimbledon
Normal Whiteside, just is.
Jimmy Broomfield – Played mainly in a sweeper’s role.
Gordon Wanks
Promising keeper, kicked off the team for spending too long in the showers.
Clive Alpen – Spent most of halftime listening to the Manager while sitting on the crapper. Had the club’s record turn out.
Stefan Cuntz, so near and yet so far…
Pony Book – Left football to write children’s literature.
Jesper Olden – prematurely aged Man United winger
Andrea Kanchelskis – football’s first sex-change player
Maradoga – a terrier in midfield
Tony Grealism – Pragmatic Frosties lover
rossy, pepo and perilo – dublin boys with an italian touch
Coy Keane
The alter-ego of Roy
Bico – - – - Zicos half cast Turkish cousin … Currently plying is trade in the Watford reserves … Drives a Megane van.
David Semen…I can’t believe I read all the way to the bottom and nobody said that.