“It’s all very depressing at the moment, isn’t it?”, said Stinking Pete in Ron’s.
“Aye, recession”, said Jimmy.
“Cazzo a Cowen with a nude painting and a make the TV apologise like a the facist dictator he is”, said Lucky Luciano.
“Bankers getting away with murder”, said Splodge.
“Budget on the way. The price of the pint and a packet of delicious Major sure to go up”, I said.
“TV licence inspector called in the other day”, said Ron. “That means more digging. Jesus”.
“Yeah, all very depressing”, said Pete.
“Well, here’s a bit of good news”, said Dirty Dave, “I can snap a twiglet in half with my chocolate starfish”.
“You what?”, I said.
“Yeah, the other day I was pinching off a loaf, as you do, and it got me to thinking. What kind of torque does a person’s ringpiece have?”
“You really thought that?”
“Yeah”.
“And you continued that thought to the point where you actually tested it out?”
“Yeah. I figured I’d start small so I used a twiglet, a stale one at that”.
“You inserted a stale twiglet into your rectal passage just to see if you could snap it with the power of your clench?”
“I certainly did. And it was a great success. I’ve got big plans now”.
“You’re going to up the ante, are you?”, asked Jimmy.
“Oh yeah, I have it all planned out. Next up is a sponge finger, the ones you use to make trifle, that’s been left out of the packet for a few hours. Crispy on the outside, still kinda chewy on the inside. But that’s not much of a challenge, that’s just like one of my normal jobbies”.
“And after that?”
“A finger of fudge”.
“Jesus. Then what?”
“An icicle”.
“And then?”
“A HB pencil”.
“You really do have this thought out”.
“I sure do”.
“So what’s your ultimate goal?”
“I’m thinking that with a little bit of training, some practice and just a smidgeon of luck I can open a bottle of beer with my arse”.
“And if you do you’re going to drink that beer”.
“I certainly am”.
“That poo-rimmed beer”.
“Yep!”
“What’s more likely, you realise, is that you’ll try and try and try and eventually the hole will be so torn off you it’ll be just a bleeding, gaping wound that would make Goatse himself look away”.
“I know”.
“If you buy a good thick blanket I’ll give you a lift to the hospital”.
“Cheers, Twenty!”
Sigh – and I just introduced sister maggot’s no 4 grub to this blog.
Twenty, I’m not being racist but torque has more to do with twisting, not squeezing and snapping.
Whiskeyintheditch, do you really think that an ass hole would know the difference?
They’re called ‘Lady Fingers’, those spongy. trifle things. Dave probably knew that, but didn’t want to cloud the issue.
You’ve been thinking about Goatse too much lately Twenty.
I wonder if he could snap lady fingers with his chocolate starfish.
I’m definitely not letting him try on mine.
His hole would be like that monster in the pit in Return of the Jedi…all raw and with teeth..best stay away from Dave’s arse then.
They’re called ‘Lady Fingers’, those spongy. trifle things.
I’m not even going to ask about the custard.
Goatse – I blame you, John.
JJ – the reality is they’d dissolve in the acidic cavern that is Dave’s anus.
The cavern part is the rectum Twenty.
I think my imagination just damaged my brain.
Now I know where ideas for cheap class B horrors come from.
perhaps DD needs to see the 1 Guy 1 Jar video.
again.
Snapping a twiglet with his arse is not that impressive, I’ve seen Brian Cowen do it with his mouth which amounts to pretty much the same thing.
On the other hand, sticking a Lady Finger up your tradesman’s is no trifling matter. And if Dave wants to drink shit-rimmed beer why doesn’t he just order a Corona?
Don’t take him anywhere near the hospital Twenty,
they’ll think you’re responsible for the anal damage.
perhaps DD needs to see the 1 Guy 1 Jar video.
again.
Having just Googled that I’m quite sure it’s something he should see but most normal people shouldn’t.
Lung – Corona is no Xibeca, that’s for sure.
thanks twenty; that has made me laugh my head off and I need a laugh
I’d be interested to hear how he’d get on with a 1cm diameter stick of tungsten. Just tell him it’s spelled tonguesten.
But can he open a jar of pickles ?
Even torque himself into it.
Is the piece of twiglet he didn’t snap off still up his arse?
a bottle of beer with his arse?
Rectum? it nearly kilt ‘im
I just love you guys……just have to laugh !
if you farted just as you were openening the bottle it would sound like the word
Buddhist
Get him to try it with a bottle of Bulmers, they go into arseholes real easy.
Jade Goody’s not even a week in heaven,and she’s up for eviction tonight already….
Morgor will know this – is that old story about vietnamese bar-girls entertaining GIs by taking the tops of beer bottles with their Cowens true ?
torque has more to do with twisting, not squeezing and snapping.
Tell Dirty Dave that careless torque costs lives.
Bet you Sticky Vicky could open beer bottles with her fanny.
A&E, any Friday or Saturday night – there’s always someone waiting to be seen with something shoved up their arse – it’s amazing the no of people who clean windows with no pants on who manage to back onto bars of soap, snooker cues or Ginger bottles .
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20090328/tuk-earth-hour-lights-out-for-global-swi-45dbed5.html
I’m for having every light in the house on!
Almost as good as this!
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20090328/tuk-spoof-website-with-serious-message-6323e80.html
What’s a twiglet?