First lines from books I haven’t written
Posted on | March 2, 2009 | 22 Comments
I have written two books (1 and 2).
I have also not written many, many other books. Loads of the fuckers. None of them got too far though, works in progress you might say.
I went back through my archives this weekend to see if there were any projects I could resurrect. I found a couple but I was struck by the opening lines to some of them.
We all know the great opening lines in books, so without further ado here are the opening lines to the books I haven’t written or finished writing yet.
“It was the best of times, it was the wurst of times, and I was speeding down the autobahn in a 1982 Mercedes driven by a strange man called Gunther” – A weekend in Berlin
“Brian the honest paedophile looked at the children tied up in his cellar and tried to explain, in language they’d understand, what was about to happen to them” – Untitled
“Early in the spring of 1750, in the village of Muff, four days upriver from the coast of Dingle, West Kerry, a manchild was born to Tiernan and Gobnait Kinte” – Blackaragua
“He ran. Goofed on bennies. Tripping. Fucking dogs. Shooting Jack” – Ellroy’s nightmare
“There were those who thought that merely thinking such a thing would be tantamount to treason but lest he consider the alternative they had bound his hands in such a manner that the blood which sustained them failed to circulate and caused a strange blueness to envelop them, much like the top right hand corner of a Turner landscape” – Untitled.
“There were 117 psychopaths on the Pan Am flight to Vienna and I’d been nearly murdered by at least six of them”- Fear of dying
“There was a final snarl, a gnashing of teeth and after such a long time bellowing the monster lay quiet, silent” - Jade, from baddy to Goody.
“‘Cunt off, cunting cunt’, said The Cunt cuntishly. ‘Cunt my cunt right in the cunt’, replied the mirror. Cunt against cunt” - The Cunt
So there you. I’m not sure which of those projects is likely to see the light of day but seeing them written down it’s obvious there’s a lot of potential there.
A lot.
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22 Responses to “First lines from books I haven’t written”
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March 2nd, 2009 @ 10:09 am
..Brian the Honest paedophile waited at the school gates wearing a patent leather Gimp suit,holding a bottle of cloroform,a teddy,a packet of starburst and some cable-ties..
March 2nd, 2009 @ 10:27 am
“THE CUNT”
YOUR AUTOBIOGRAPHY?
March 2nd, 2009 @ 10:28 am
BWA HA HA HA HA …
….oh
March 2nd, 2009 @ 10:33 am
Heh.
The wurst of times… I hope someone standing nearby slaps you for that, Twenty.
I was speculating, that maybe, next time, you might do a seriouser sort of thing, in the seriouser post style, if you know whatI mean.
And what is the preoccupation with the rape and torture of children in the basement? It’s not funny! Do you have a traumatic past it’s your only way of accessing?
March 2nd, 2009 @ 10:37 am
You should enter the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
March 2nd, 2009 @ 10:43 am
That’s hilarious, Jean. Great idea!
March 2nd, 2009 @ 11:01 am
You should enter the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
As if I haven’t already.
And I don’t have any preoccupation with children being tortured and raped in basements, Jo.
March 2nd, 2009 @ 11:15 am
I hope these are all written out in longhand draft form, American universities pay good money for literary estates.
March 2nd, 2009 @ 11:29 am
We are not worthy!
Blackaragua has real promise. Child abducted by slavers and taken to Canada where he is ritually and satanically abused by a Plastic Paddy Canuck Hockey team before he gets a visitation from the Blessed Mother Saint Jade of Goody who comes down from heaven on a RyanAir 747?
March 2nd, 2009 @ 11:35 am
What river runs from Kerry to north Donegal?
March 2nd, 2009 @ 11:42 am
The river Niall
March 2nd, 2009 @ 12:58 pm
Jordan (wide enough to take a one in each in direction).
March 2nd, 2009 @ 1:32 pm
“My face was stuck to my pillow again this morning”, said Ann.
“That’s strange”, said Mammy “The same thing happened me”
Barry and Daddy smiled to themselves as the toaster popped.
March 2nd, 2009 @ 7:03 pm
“There were those who thought that merely thinking such a thing would be tantamount to treason but lest he consider the alternative they had bound his hands in such a manner that the blood which sustained them failed to circulate and caused a strange blueness to envelop them, much like the top right hand corner of a Turner landscape” – Untitled.
Off the wall! This might be my favourite post here ever, Twenters.
March 2nd, 2009 @ 7:23 pm
Glad you liked it, pcb.
March 2nd, 2009 @ 8:16 pm
Sounds as if you just wrote a script for a major movie. Twenty Majors Major Movie! It can star Lindsay Lohan and her girl friend as well as many of the other imbiciles in Hollywood. You’ll make so much money that you’ll be able to hire writers to do your blog, get a house in sunny Spain and get away from the rain. The sun, it’s something on the other side of the clouds.
March 2nd, 2009 @ 8:24 pm
I’ve heard of this ‘sun’ all right. Urban legend, I suspect.
March 2nd, 2009 @ 9:22 pm
I won’t insist it’s a preoccupation, but don’t make me go looking for evidence amongst your various publishings. I could come up with at least FOUR examples, if I was arsed.
March 2nd, 2009 @ 10:16 pm
What can I say? The best jokes stand up to more use.
March 2nd, 2009 @ 10:56 pm
I read the Jade, from baddy to Goody line and got very, very jealous indeed. I did.
March 3rd, 2009 @ 1:32 pm
I’m surprised nobody else thought of it.
July 29th, 2009 @ 12:45 am
So there I what?