John the Rapist lived in a quiet cul-de-sac in the comfortable suburbs. He had a good job, an attractive wife, two kids, a dog and a 2008 Ford Mondeo.
Every few months he would go out late at night and prowl. Sometimes he found a victim. Sometimes he did not.
John the Rapist contributed to his son’s football team. He helped ferry the lads to and from games and he made them laugh with his quick wit and funny stories.
The screams didn’t matter to him. The struggles only empowered him. He fed off them.
John the Rapist was popular in work, conscientious and dedicated. They said the office was a duller place when he wasn’t around.
He knew he wasn’t a killer. He didn’t abuse children. There were worse than him.
John the Rapist wept for his mother when she died. He held his father, feeble, shaking with grief. He gave a eulogy that everyone said only he could have given. Someone so good, so caring.
He was always too powerful. His strong, gloved hands fought off any resistance. He would have what he wanted.
John the Rapist fell down dead in his back garden. Heart attack, said the doctors. Nobody could have seen it coming. He so fit and healthy. They mourned him, the beloved husband, the loving father, the popular colleague.
Nobody ever knew.
oooo keeee
Johnny5 is Dead?
I never knew he was married?
RIP John the Rapist.
The victims knew
a bit like that film by David Cronenberg – A History of Violence- you think you know somebody; you don;t really know anybody at all.
good to see you back to the compeltely oddball stuff twenty
If he wore a Balaclava,they wouldnt know it was John..
Carlsberg don’t do rapes…
a bit like that film by David Cronenberg – A History of Violence- you think you know somebody; you don;t really know anybody at all.
True, like the guy I worked with who later got convicted of beating the crap out of his wife and he was the most pleasant mild mannered guy when he was in work.
Bibles with typos are rare.
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, eh?
Movie recommendation to match the post: C’est arrivé près de chez vous, aka Man Bites Dog.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103905/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uL1qjiuDWiw
Breathlessly and brilliantly written. What a commentary on the human condition.
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, eh?,
…and women jo,you dont want Womens Rights groups on your back..
Women can be as equally Evil as any man..
Yeah, I’m waiting for Twenty’s post about Jane the Rapist tomorrow to go there.
I’m not arguing, Fill, but if I’d ammended that quote to ‘(wo)men’ I’d have incurred some anti PC slaggin’, I think.
Actually I was trying to think of some parallel crime to be funny about, but I couldn’t really.
What else do people do, other than child abuse and wife beating, so we could have a Someone the Something to talk about?
Timmy the Terrorist? Freddie the Flasher? Shanna the Shoplifter?
Augusto, good call. One of my favourite films. Dark as fuck. Great satire too. If anyone wants a lend, I have the DVD
Does anyone know why gmail won’t load?
Is it Angels trying to get me back to my work?
Hi Jo.. Same here. I thought it was a problem at my end
Gmail is down,their servers have crashed..
Its the end of the world!!
Sharon the Shoplifter..
Or The Skanger in the Striped Pyjamas
Heres the Gmail news
http://tinyurl.com/brd6u5
Oh.. It’s back now
ford mondeo is a dead giveaway. driven by some of the most evil people on earth – cops, salesmen and middle management.
Gfail? Oh my…
Opel Vectras, now there’s a suspect car if ever there was one.
BMWs – the cunt car.
surprise sex gets a very bad rap in the press these days
A touching vignette, or vinaigrette in this instance.
Stinking Pete might opine, if he were the literary type, that comparisons are odorous. Memory tells me Twenty hates ‘A History of Violence’.
Is John one of the Anglo 10?
Perhaps next week we could have a sectarian story of John the Papist.
Dark, veeery dark.
i like john, he was a real people person, he new what he wanted and he took it. nothin wrong with that, he showed initiative
i like john, he was a real people person. He knows what he wants and he gets it. nothin wrong with that, he showed initiative
I like the way you corrected your poor spelling by completely fucking up the tenses.
Quite disturbing…
¬.¬
I wonder how many victims have been gored even further by hearing “Shut up you little hoor, you’re making it up. John’s a good lad, we go way back.”
People get by with so much shit on the backs of their being a “good lad”. It makes me fucking sick.
Good post, Twenty.
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang rape…
Oh man … I was hoping someone would come along with a fresh new joke about gang rape and I wasn’t disappointed.
I like rapeys one – rape = surprise sex
First time caller, long time listener… so I’m glad I didn’t disappoint…
The standard of humour in here is usually so high I wasn’t sure I could live up to it.
I like it too.
But I’m conflicted.
Intensely serious post v merry rape jokes.
If I’d been raped, would that work for me?
I’m not trying to give out, just wondering.
porridge Says:
February 24th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
ford mondeo is a dead giveaway. driven by some of the most evil people on earth – cops, salesmen and middle management.
my first thought- cop
The standard of humour in here is usually so high I wasn’t sure I could live up to it.
Timing is everything.
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/4/20090224/tuk-silver-skater-won-t-hang-up-wheels-dba1618.html
bit of an anti-climax
Jane the rapist would never last: the hookers would kill her. Free competition doesn’t hold with them.
John the Rapist fell down dead in his back garden. Heart attack, said the doctors. Actually, he wasn’t dead when he fell down, but soon after. As the life slipped away from him, the highlights of his life flashed through his mind. He slobbered as he remembered those bitches he had done and then all was darkness. The morgue attendants wondered at the size of the horn he was sporting when they brought him in, and the undertaker had a hell of a job getting the lid of the coffin closed …
Oh my…….second Oh My of the night…….the first was for a fish with a see through face so….
words fail me…..
But they should have known. The autopsy showed he’d died of a heart attack and a tissue sample was taken “for record purposes”.
Much later when DNA tests were carried out on the various samples held in the back room….
I was hoping someone would come along with a fresh new joke about gang rape and I wasn’t disappointed.
What’s the worst thing about gang rape?
Standing in the queue.
Is this fellow a wanker, or a chancer, or a cunt or just a fucking cunt of a chancer and wanker?
http://www.independent.ie/national-news/courts/midwife-who-helped-baby-breathe-sued-by-film-dad-1651864.html
Free Chris Brown
I don’t even want a free one.