Blessed be the locksmiths
Posted on | February 18, 2009 | 44 Comments
Right, it strikes me that in these times of recessionary mayhem that a certain amount of quick thinking is needed.
There have always been people who have made their fortunes when times were hard, generally by thinking of something that everyone needs. Look at the bloke who invented the Rubik’s Cube (can’t remember his name). In the 80s nobody had anything, we could barely afford a newspaper we were that broke, but this little cube provided hours of fun and great value for money.
Now, with confidence low in the banks and the banks low on that stuff that they need … what’s it called again? … oh yeah, money … people need something to reassure them.
Safes.
Yes, safes are the future. Safes are what will make somebody their fortune. If you asked people one year ago to envisage a bank vault being opened they’d have pictured wads of cash, jewels and treasure.
If you asked them now there’d be moths, dust, a few of the bands that go around wads of cash and someone who looks like Sean Fitzpatrick sitting, rocking back and forth, cackling wickedly having lost what was left of his tiny little mind.
But if you told people to envisage their own mini-vault, into which they could put the cash they have taken out of the shifty, crooked banks that are going to fuck us all in the end, just wait and see, then they’d have a much more positive vision.
Sure, you might not get a few quid in interest but at least you know your money is there. You know it’s not being doled out to 10 businessmen who the government are thus far refusing to name because they’re probably all FF lackies, it’s not being used to pay outrageous salaries to people who have proved themselves monstrously imcompetent, it’s not in the hands of institutions that have mercilessly raped us for years.
So there’s the plan. Become a safe installer. Get cool ones which have retinal scanners and finger print doohickeys and voice-recognition systems. Everyone will want a safe and you will make your fortune.
I probably should have kept this to myself but fuck it. I’m no DIY dude. I can barely change a plug (I threw out my last TV and bought a new one when the plug went, it was easier), so I’m happy to let someone else do all the work.
A free safe would be nice though.
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44 Responses to “Blessed be the locksmiths”
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February 18th, 2009 @ 10:44 am
Lazy cunt, your posts are getting later.
And whats wrong with putting money under the mattress or floor boards? It’s far from safes you were reared
February 18th, 2009 @ 10:45 am
my first first
February 18th, 2009 @ 10:45 am
Cunt off, I’ll post when I want.
And you can’t get retinal scanner mattresses.
February 18th, 2009 @ 10:49 am
Maybe not, but ignoring the bed bugs what sane burglar would risk going near Peadar’s bed linen ?
And speaking of Sanity , I see those lovely Quacks have announced that Peter Sutcliffe is close to being sane enough to set free.
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:09 am
Aldidly have them at the moment – fire and water proof, but no retinal scanner.
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:15 am
They have high-tech mattresses in Wexford..
No need for banks down there..
We should send a crack squad of Irish Rangers down to turn over a few mattresses in Wexford,that would solve all this Country’s financial problems..
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:17 am
I bought a wallet once and then had no money left to put in it.
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:23 am
We should send a crack squad of Irish Rangers
Ha ha, you’re a funny man fill3rup
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:27 am
You’re def on to something here twenty – out of work bank-robbers can now turn to safe-cracking, which would increase sales in home security systems, sparking an upsurge in the economy and saving us all! yay!
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:30 am
With Bastardface and Throatripper why would you need a safe Twenty?
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:31 am
To put scorpions in.
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:31 am
Sorry.. I meant Scouts..
Rangers use Trucks to travel about.might freak the locals out the aul horseless carriages.We dont want a “Garb your Torch an’ pitchforks incident” heh
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:34 am
Scorpions ? Class!
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:36 am
http://www.scorpionsafe.com/cart.php?m=content&page=7
Heh!
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:37 am
ha, i had a similar idea before.
Go into jobs that no-one else wants therefore you can charge what you like.
I was thinking shit.
No one likes shit. become some sort of poo expert and you’d be rich.
probably.
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:38 am
Brilliant
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:39 am
Twenty – are you from, what one might call, “monied stock”?
I get the impression that you are
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:39 am
Not at all.
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:42 am
Twenty was found under a urinal in Doyles swaddled in toilet paper.
Fact.
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:46 am
Toilet paper in Doyles ? Unlikely!
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:47 am
It was a two week old copy of the Evening Press.
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:48 am
hey, that’s the same thing.
February 18th, 2009 @ 11:48 am
not pitchforks, pikes. And believe me there is plenty of fucking pikes down here still.
Crispy is going to invent a mattress with a built in retinal scanner.
Although it’s more likly he’ll come up with a mattress with a built in rectum scanner
February 18th, 2009 @ 12:11 pm
He’ll make it with some kind of
Safe-Mattress-Poo-A-Tron i’ll wager..
February 18th, 2009 @ 12:48 pm
Two scotch eggs and hot lime pickle for lunch. Back to work on the cess pits.
February 18th, 2009 @ 1:35 pm
I have it on good authority that ‘Chrispy’ (sic) has a fistful of 50′s in his pocket, and is seriously thinking of getting himself a new laptop today, and leaving you all behind in the dust.
He has never been more disgruntled in his long, long life.
How fucking dare ANYONE even suggest what he might do, should do, or will do.
One of you cunts do something for a fucking change!
February 18th, 2009 @ 1:41 pm
Oh God,is he Going to “Die” then?
February 18th, 2009 @ 1:42 pm
That’s not how you spell ‘Good’.
February 18th, 2009 @ 1:57 pm
Heh..
February 18th, 2009 @ 4:25 pm
Chris P would want to build a bridge methinks…
February 18th, 2009 @ 5:09 pm
maybe thats a bridge too far Phil
February 18th, 2009 @ 5:14 pm
“Look at the bloke who invented the Rubik’s Cube (can’t remember his name).”
I’m really going to go out on a limb here and guess that his name was Rubik.
February 18th, 2009 @ 5:31 pm
You’re not really the sharpest tool in the box are you Fintan?
February 18th, 2009 @ 5:32 pm
“I’m really going to go out on a limb here and guess that his name was Rubik.”
Did you write that out in longhand first, with one of Mr Biro’s inventions?
February 18th, 2009 @ 7:01 pm
He was sitting on the crapper at the time
February 18th, 2009 @ 9:00 pm
was his name not Rubix
February 19th, 2009 @ 9:34 am
Loving the Sean Fitzpatrick imagery there. Funny.
I think your idea is most excellent, I will point people here.
February 19th, 2009 @ 10:50 am
“divneymathers Says:
February 18th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
You’re not really the sharpest tool in the box are you Fintan?”
Have you ever heard of humour, dribbley?
February 19th, 2009 @ 11:30 am
Fintan,
Hole – digging – Stop.
For fuck’s sake – STOP.
February 19th, 2009 @ 11:55 am
Yes Fintan, Chuntzu may have a funny name but he speaks sense..
Maybe read your comment out before you submit to check if it reads as:
a)an amusing comment
or
b)the babbling of a Peadar..
It took me a while to get it (still dont alot of the time)
February 19th, 2009 @ 12:06 pm
“Fill3rup Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 11:55 am
It took me a while to get it (still dont alot of the time)”
LOL. Who the fuck do you think you are – Mastermind?
Go fuck a sheep out there in Mayo and you’ll feel better.
ROFLMAO
February 19th, 2009 @ 12:15 pm
Ok..Fintan You are obviously slow so i’ll spell it out..
Your comment made you look like a tool and Divney pointed this out..
I was just giving you friendly advice but if you are too stupid to see that then go and see your special needs teacher and she might be able to do a better job…
As for the Sheep comment,Mayo..you handicap ..
Do Smart comments involve picking a farm yard animal for target to have sex with, preferrably in a County that is not the author’s home county..
February 19th, 2009 @ 3:54 pm
Fill3rup Says:
February 19th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Ha-ha. Who needs your advice, friendly or otherwise, you conceited tool? Just read some of the shite you post on here and notice that I have never bothered to comment on it. So fuck you, and even if you’re not from Mayo, go there and shag that sheep. You’ll feel better for it. I doubt whether you’ve ever filled any other kind of mammal up.
February 19th, 2009 @ 6:38 pm
ZZZING!!! oh you got me there…
I’m going home,via Mayo of course..