I was sitting in a taxi going into town last night having a decent chat with the driver. He was an old-ish kind of a guy, but funny in his way.
Jokes about the recession (which judging by the emptiness of bars in the city centre last night seems to have really taken hold. Remember when Sunday used to be a pretty decent night to go out? Not any more), some idle chatter about the weather and various other guff made it a reasonably pleasant journey into town.
So as we headed down Clanbrassil Street there was a pause in the conversation. A natural lull, if you will. At this point Taxi decided to lean to his left slightly and let rip an enormous fart. It was like the kind of fart sound you can make by sticking your tongue out and making a fart sound. Somewhat wet, not quite splattery, but as perfect a fart sound as you’ll ever hear.
‘Goodness’, I thought, ‘that was a very loud fart’. I expected him to say something, you know. ‘Excuse me’ or even a chucklesome ‘ooops’ but he didn’t even mention it and carried on with the conversation as if nothing had happened.
But it had happened. He did a huge fart. My ears weren’t playing tricks on me. I waited for the smell to waft through the car but it was the opposite of an SBD (Silent But Deadly). It was a LBO (Loud But Odourless). This was a good thing, of course.
Eventually I got to where I was going and got out, still a touch flummoxed at what had happened. Maybe he just doesn’t give a shit if he farts in his car. He’s been around the block too many times to care. Perhaps it’s a little game he plays with his passengers. He farts and then waits to see if anyone says anything to him.
But at the same time he seemed like a nice man, well-mannered and what have you, so I would have expected some kind of acknowledgement of his fluting anus.
It was all a bit strange and mildly awkward for a few minutes.
The fare was €9.80, I gave him €10 and told him to keep the change. I think that was fare.
If only you had Score Cards on you,you could have marked his effort out of 10..
10. No question about it.
That’s all a bit mad twenty, although I was in a taxi lately and he had one of those novelty horns fitted. He told me to “watch this” and then he waited for a rather large girl to cross at the lights and then hit the horn. The car let out a loud Mooooooo. He cracked up.
More cars should moo. The world would be a better and more hilarious place.
You should have reciprocated T. A sort of perverse version of duelling banjos, first one to follow thru loses.
Astonishing. It’s bad enough when someone wordlessly lets rip at a neighbouring urinal, but in a taxi… You obviously joshed and joked him into feeling that such behaviour was acceptable ‘between us mates’. I would have said “Let me out here” and not paid the polluting cunt a penny.
Taxi Drivers! Bleeurggghhh! Shower of whinging bastards. I see they’re up to they’re usual tricks this morning. Good enough for them. They might actually stop to pick up guys trying to make their way home at night now!
You should have reciprocated T. A sort of perverse version of duelling banjos, first one to follow thru loses.
I was at serious risk of follow through yesterday. It wouldn’t have been clever.
Maybe he fancied you and it was his way of letting you know about his impressive anal capacity? Or maybe his heater was broken and he was trying to keep the taxi warm.
Astonishing. It’s bad enough when someone wordlessly lets rip at a neighbouring urinal, but in a taxi…
What the fuck is wrong with farting at a urinal?
There can be no excuse for letting rip in a confined space especially with a total stranger locked in with you. May be Magoo is right, yer man may have got some kind of sexual pleasure from it, like ” I may not be able to touch you physically but I can still invade your personal space, cop a snootful!”
Do you find when you are standing at a urinal that you cant fart and piss at the same time? One process has to stop to allow the other to proceed or do I need to see a prostate specialist?
I’d never try to fart and piss at the same time – it can only lead to soilage.
A gas man altogether.
Was he talking up the protest this morning? God must have have a special place in his heart for taximen, a special place where the snow comes from.
“Being a taxi driver in Dublin would be one of the best jobs in the world if it wasn’t for all those silly bastards waving at you from the kerbside. What the fuck are they after?”
I’d accept a fart any day over a moan about the blacks.
What about a black driver who farts and moans about the other blacks?
That would be an escape from a moving vehicle move.
Yeah right, as if a black wouldn’t have the child proof locks on.
A fuckin taxi into town , 15b not good enough for you anymore ? It would have been more appropriate of Taxi to let one rip when he’d seen the ” tip “
Ahh the 15B is a thing of the past…
“Ahh the 15B is a thing of the past…”
I take it that was said in the voice of the Brennan’s Bread ads?
I never take anything less than a Merc, Passat or an Avensis these days. I’ll let a load of crap ones go by first. And no way am I getting into one of the Hiace vans, it’s like hopping a freight carriage like a Beatnik hobo.
once got a spin from a big fat taxidriver in a shitty old car who just absolutely stank of . . . fat armpits.
disgusting.
luckily I was very drunk.
you sure he wasn’t just re-adjusting himself on his leather seat?
Do fat armpits smell different from thin armpits?
Well, Twenty, my granny used to say. “Better out than yer eye!” when someone let one rip.
I have a T-shirt that says: “When I want to listen to an arsehole, I’ll fart”.
Oh the good old days when I was about 12 and had to go to Mass on Sunday. A good sandwich of fresh bread with lettuce and scallions was just the man to build up a good head of steam. Then, right in the middle of the consecration was the time to stare piously ahead with intense concentration and slowly ease out a Silent But Deadly. No one ver dared say anything or even look around to try and find out who it was for fear everyone else would think it was them. Is that what you call the perfect crime?
Do fat armpits smell different from thin armpits?
Yes.
Desperately obese people have a vile odour about them, probably cos they can’t clean themselves properly.
Twenty I reckon you have been profoundly stunned by the experience.
Pity you didn’t have a feed of the M+S mince pies before you hopped in.
I was getting a spin home one and the taxi driver sneezed suddenly.
Christ it was like a scene from ghostbusters.
Ectoplasm all over the steering wheel and dash.
Except for the fact it was the produce of a sinus infection.
Well if we can talk abount arse rippers I can’t see why lung butter anecdotes won’t fit in.