I will admit that I’m not the most patient when behind the wheel of a car. I find myself unable to contain myself at the stupid and inconsiderate nature of … well, pretty much everyone else on the road.
I shake my fist, flash my lights, from time to time I’ll parp my horn, and I will swear at them in such a manner that all the sailors in all the world would blush if they heard me.
I feel I should probably be a little calmer, do that whole count to 10 thing people do before they respond or react to something.
This morning, driving down Westmoreland Street, I was rudely cut off by a driver who didn’t indicate and swerved right in front of me.
‘BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP’, went the horn, up went two arms in ‘Hey, what the fuck are you doing?’ gesture before I slapped them onto my head in a ‘You are a stupid ape’ gesture, and the dulcet tones of Tom Dunne were drowned out by me shouting ‘WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING YOU STUPID WANKER. YOU NEED TO BE CUNTED RIGHT IN THE BASTARD! DIE FUCKER, DIE!’.
It was only after all the shouting, gesticulating and hoo-ha that I noticed it was a Garda car.
Luckily for me he simply raised a hand in an apologetic fashion and didn’t haul me into Pearse Street for a good talking to which may or may not have resulted in my suspicious death sometime tomorrow morning.
I should be calmer, I realise that. But this has left me feeling in-fucking-vincible.
Out of my way, suckers.
Watch out for those unmarked Mondeos with low numbered registrations! I am now expert at it.
i think perhaps your bastard could use a little cunting.
See how many garda cars you can do that to before getting into trouble.
this could be a new fad.
I reckon you were lucky. The cunt was probably only being polite because he is currently under investigation for some crap like what those cunts got up to in Donegal and doesn’t want another black mark against him now that he knows he is on the spot. Otherwise, he and his pals would have taken you in and kicked the shite out of you in a back room of the barracks.
But you’re such a good driver, surely you have preemptive moves lined up should other drivers not reach your exacting standards? No?
I don’t have The Shining, FMC.
maybe your irritating people by “Parping” your horn?
ah, hate that. one time i nipped out of a traffic queue into the bus lane at collins barracks in order to pull a leftie up ahead. a car up ahead in the queue did the same thing but was going really slowly in the bus lane in front of me, making it more likely that we would get caught.
i’m usually a patient chap, but this was taking the piss, so i did all the gesticulation you describe, getting seriously pissed off.
yep, it was gardai.
nailed.
The ‘Shinning’ Twenty – do you want to get sued?
“I don’t have The Shining, FMC.”
Oh don’t worry, it didn’t seem to do them much good one way or another.
I’d love to get a chase off the cops. In fact I’d love to a bank job and then have a hair raising Ronin style rip around Dublin trying to lose the cops.
You’d have to do it on bicycles then HM.
The only thing that rips around Dublin in a hair raising style is gossip.
And pubic lice.
Oh yeah, forgot about them.
Disturbing the peace: “‘BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP’, went the horn,
Dangerous driving: “up went two arms in ‘Hey, what the fuck are you doing?’ gesture before I slapped them onto my head in a ‘You are a stupid ape’ gesture,”
Again with the peace disturbing: “shouting ‘WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING YOU STUPID WANKER. YOU NEED TO BE CUNTED RIGHT IN THE BASTARD! DIE FUCKER, DIE!’.”
He has your reg.
People change when they become drivers.
I remember many years ago getting a lift from my dear sweet cousin. She was an unassuming lass, polite, courteous, one would say almost shy.
When she got behind the wheel of that Mondeo a startling metamorphosis occurred.
She became a mass of gesticulation and the air was so blue even I blushed.
Oh and while we’re at it why are all BMW drivers cunts?
You didn’t notice it was a Garda car? How?
They’re not as bad as Merc drivers.
I like this Irish Roulette idea. Keep at it Twenty, see how far you get. Seek them out!
You didn’t notice it was a Garda car? How?
I was reading something on my iPhone.
I would check under your car from now on Twenty.
Cops have Long memory’s and short tempers..
Were you even on the right side of the road?
Unmarked, my arse, you can always tell the cunts. Just like the dope squad wankers in “plain clothes”. The fucking peculiar shade of blue that their shirt always is give the cunts away for certain – that and their bog monster accent.
They should all be fucked up the hole by a big horny horse.
Gesticulating’s great. You can’t beat a well delivered gesticular.
Depends really on which actual gesticulation you gesticulate and how it’s gesticulated. Delivered properly, it can be like a proverbial kick in the gesticles.
Yelling is good too. Yelling and going red in the head. Yelling but not shrieking. Shreiking is a bit girlie and borderline hysterical.
Borderline?
What crosses the line for you?
I’ve given up losing the head in the traffic. No point. It’s much better fun if you just laugh at them and point or give them a round of applause.
You can get car horns the sound of a crowd cheering and clapping.
The borderline Jo? When you can feel the tears of impotent rage well up in your eyes.
Everyone else in a car is a cunt. Like other people’s rancid kids, only more so. Cunts on velocipedes are utter cunts entirely- I saw one yesterday with a miner’s light on its helmet. A targetting aid, I suppose.
Is it just me, or does anyone else think Bono is a real cunt – whether or not he drives a car? Just saw him being interviewed on TV, talking such shite. The cunt licked Bush’s arse for all he was worth.
Or maybe he isn’t really a cunt and it’s just me having a really bad day, but actually the day was going all right until I saw him on the box.
Why can’t he get pissed and ram his big fancy car into a squad car driven by a total ignorant fucker of a Garda who hates pop music?
Where has the Ronnie McGrew post gone.
I was just going to say he’s only an other shithouse poet, and when I looked again it was gone?
I can’t get enough of screaming “fuck face” and “cocksucker” when I’m behind the wheel.
But then I’m a really bad driver.
20, where’s your other post gone! That Ronnie McGrew stuff is fantastic!
I took it down once I knew you’d seen it, Darragh.
All cops are crooked, and will very easily abuse their powers when they can…
Twenty. I put on a comment earlier but it didn’t appear. Did you delete it or did I not send it properly?
I assumed because this post in your Irish Blog Awards category that it’s a moral attack piece, but I got a headache trying to work out all the metaphors.
You’re lucky you’re in Ireland. Can you imagine if that happened in LA?
That’s right. You’d be the star of your very own ‘Cops’ episode.
Bad boys, bad boys, whatyagonnado? Whatyagonnado when they come for youuuuu!!