There can be only one

“Twenty”, said Dirty Dave, “if there was going to be another kind of biblical flood and God came to you (again) and said ‘Twenty, you may save only one animal on this planet’, what animal would it be?”

It got me thinking. I didn’t answer Dave at the time because it was 4.13am and he’d just phoned me up to pose that little question, but the next morning, which is this morning, I had to give it some serious thought.

There are those who would suggest the chicken for it is plentiful, and you can get eggs and meat from them. Eggs are good, chicken is all-purpose for curries, soups, stews, KFC (no, wait, those aren’t chickens), McDonald’s chicken nuggets (no, wait, those aren’t etc etc), roast chickens and their bones make good stock. Chickens are scabby looking cunts though and peck around rather a bit too much for my liking. Plus they’re noisy fuckers and with the lack of foxes then they would soon take over the world. A collective chicken intelligence would reign supreme, kind of like a Fine Gael government.

Then there’s the pig. The delicious bastard pig. Bacon, ham, sausages, pork chops, ribs, snout a l’orange, black pudding, pork bellies with crackling, mmmm. They are good, but they do not provide any secondary meal like the chicken with its eggs. By all accounts pig eggs are rather tart.

The sheep is another possibilty as I am rather partial to good rack of lamb. Or a leg of lamb. Or a lamb shank. Or, erm, hmmmm. I’m not a mutton fan as it goes and while their coats would be handy to make blankets and very scratchy t-shirts the sheep would be way down my list.

There were other very tasty animals I considered too such as the swan, the anteater, the mole and the caterpillar but for me the one true winner has to be the cow. The cow is truly the most delicious of all creatures. You can get steak, steak and indeed more steak from cows. A cut from here is a fillet, a cut from there a sirloin, a cut from elsewhere a t-bone. How versatile, how very fucking convenient. Any animal that can provide you with such variety from its own torso should be saved ahead of all others.

Imagine, you can sit there in your leather coat, drinking a lovely cold glass of milk while eating a huge steak. That is why I would forsake all other animals and save the cow.

And just to make this an equal opportunities post let’s ask the vegetarians if they could only save one vegetable what would it be? Actually, nobody cares about vegetarians and their crazy ways. They are less than human because humans are omnivores, not herbivores and eschewing your omni ways for a herbi lifestyle goes against all that nature intended.

Cows are fucking awesome and anyone who disagrees is probably suffering anemic hysteria.

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This entry was posted on Monday, September 29th, 2008 at 9:29 amand is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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