There can be only one
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on September 29th, 2008
“Twenty”, said Dirty Dave, “if there was going to be another kind of biblical flood and God came to you (again) and said ‘Twenty, you may save only one animal on this planet’, what animal would it be?”
It got me thinking. I didn’t answer Dave at the time because it was 4.13am and he’d just phoned me up to pose that little question, but the next morning, which is this morning, I had to give it some serious thought.
There are those who would suggest the chicken for it is plentiful, and you can get eggs and meat from them. Eggs are good, chicken is all-purpose for curries, soups, stews, KFC (no, wait, those aren’t chickens), McDonald’s chicken nuggets (no, wait, those aren’t etc etc), roast chickens and their bones make good stock. Chickens are scabby looking cunts though and peck around rather a bit too much for my liking. Plus they’re noisy fuckers and with the lack of foxes then they would soon take over the world. A collective chicken intelligence would reign supreme, kind of like a Fine Gael government.
Then there’s the pig. The delicious bastard pig. Bacon, ham, sausages, pork chops, ribs, snout a l’orange, black pudding, pork bellies with crackling, mmmm. They are good, but they do not provide any secondary meal like the chicken with its eggs. By all accounts pig eggs are rather tart.
The sheep is another possibilty as I am rather partial to good rack of lamb. Or a leg of lamb. Or a lamb shank. Or, erm, hmmmm. I’m not a mutton fan as it goes and while their coats would be handy to make blankets and very scratchy t-shirts the sheep would be way down my list.
There were other very tasty animals I considered too such as the swan, the anteater, the mole and the caterpillar but for me the one true winner has to be the cow. The cow is truly the most delicious of all creatures. You can get steak, steak and indeed more steak from cows. A cut from here is a fillet, a cut from there a sirloin, a cut from elsewhere a t-bone. How versatile, how very fucking convenient. Any animal that can provide you with such variety from its own torso should be saved ahead of all others.
Imagine, you can sit there in your leather coat, drinking a lovely cold glass of milk while eating a huge steak. That is why I would forsake all other animals and save the cow.
And just to make this an equal opportunities post let’s ask the vegetarians if they could only save one vegetable what would it be? Actually, nobody cares about vegetarians and their crazy ways. They are less than human because humans are omnivores, not herbivores and eschewing your omni ways for a herbi lifestyle goes against all that nature intended.
Cows are fucking awesome and anyone who disagrees is probably suffering anemic hysteria.
i would save monkeys and enjoy their comical ways while eating vegetables.
actually, no, feck that. pigs for me. sausages, rashers, etc. mmmmmm
i wouldn’t save cows in case i ended up, as you say, drinking milk while eating steak…
eeeeuuuuwwww
September 29th, 2008 at 9:38 am
God I’m starving…
September 29th, 2008 at 9:52 am
1
You need a new combo of steak and milk blended with ice-cream.
A steakshake is the way to start your day.
September 29th, 2008 at 9:57 am
2
If you are for saving the cow, It would have to be the potato as vegetable and grape as fruit for me, steak without the chips and a bottle of red is an unholy abomination.
September 29th, 2008 at 9:58 am
3
If I could only save one vegetable, it WOULDN’T be Enda Kenny…
September 29th, 2008 at 10:02 am
4
I’d do some DNA splicing to combine chickens and cows.
So you could have egg-laying cows.
A three egg ommelette would be fucking huge.
September 29th, 2008 at 10:16 am
5
If indeed there was another biblical flood, I myself would be far too busy looking for drugs to save any bastard animal.
-So I’m gonna have to go for fish.
September 29th, 2008 at 10:34 am
6
I”d save bloody chickens but only if they could lay eggs with no yolks (yack).
September 29th, 2008 at 11:18 am
7
Best part of the egg that…
September 29th, 2008 at 11:26 am
8
Tell it to your colon, Twenty.
Hey, all, btw, I visited Holemaster on Saturday, he’s doing well. He’s posting again too, in case you’re interested in reading about his waste lung fluid. http://www.eskerriada.wordpress.com
September 29th, 2008 at 11:27 am
9
I would save some sort of amazing creature that laid breakfast rolls and bloody mary’s straight out it’s arse. A god like chicken with a less feathery hole.
September 29th, 2008 at 11:28 am
10
A sort of cowfish would answer very well by the looks of things. You could get steak out of it and essential fish oils as well.
You could have:
Salmoon sandwiches.
Muna fish and sweetcorn…
Where would you get a Bull Sardine, though? And if you found one would you really want to annoy it?
September 29th, 2008 at 11:40 am
11
Big Mackerel and fries
September 29th, 2008 at 11:55 am
12
KF-Sea.
September 29th, 2008 at 11:59 am
13
twenty, can you not control these people.
They’re INVENTING new animals for your ark. Surely thats not in the rules. For fucks sake get serious.(sorry jo)
September 29th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
14
What are you apologising to me for?
September 29th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
15
I know, I know….Those toads you can lick!
Even if you dropped one over the side of the Ark, I’m pretty sure the little fucker would float, or swim.
Or fly even, depending on whether you’d licked him or not.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
16
Crap - Ant and Dec survive rocket attack
September 29th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
17
What breed of cow would you save Twenty ?
September 29th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
18
Stop being silly, maggot. All cows would be saved.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
19
well you’d need to save two; one male, one female.
they’d have heavily inbred offspring so it#d be pointless.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
20
Mmm… brilliant pick, Twenty. Wouldn’t want to live in a world without cheeseburgers.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
21
Anyone who does is of very dubious character.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
22
Twenty, if a cow and a dolphin bred somehow in a kind of windy sand-dune related accident would you kill the offspring or rear it with kindness and love?
After all, its only a cute little Cowphin.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
23
But - cheeseburgers are AMERICAN !
September 29th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
24
Bat Butty, I mean but Batty, isn’t a female dolphin referred to as a cow?
I’m sure dolphins are in already.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
25
Monkey Balls says: Bat Butty, I mean but Batty, isn’t a female dolphin referred to as a cow?
But what if the offspring was of a male dolphin & a cow and the offsring was male?
Poor little Dollock.
September 29th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
26
Tsk tsk, 1pm and still no udder jokes…
September 29th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
27
Byre Beware.
September 29th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
28
According to Wikipedia, Dolphins are Cows, Bulls and Calves, so I can’t see there being any problem at all.
But then again, I’m not a farmer.
morgor, you’re never around when we need you!
September 29th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
29
Look, lets get serious here. If you have only one animal in your ark no, matter what it is, chances are the nourishment will run out pretty fucking soon.
What you need to save is the whale! (All those ’save the whale’ campaigns were not for the whales sake you know).
Even I would find it pretty difficult to chew thru one of these beasties in under a year!
And forget about an ark, what you could use is a floating deepfreeze. A japanese whaler would be just the ticket!
Sorted.
September 29th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
30
C’mon morgor!
I’m waiting for you to show up, just so as I can say “Dairy is!”
September 29th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
31
Dolphins Barn. Yes. I see things much more clearly now.
September 29th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
32
If you did have an ark and there was elephants on it you’d want someone on watch all the time for midnight elephant dumps.
The whole boat would go over with the shift in ballast otherwise. Are you lot sure you’ve thought this through?
September 29th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
33
Hmm, that’s a good question for hindus. Cows can’t be killed so they should save’em… but then again they can’t kill’em for the beef! That would make all of them vegetarians.
September 29th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
34
go on then MB.
September 29th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
35
Morgor, you are a livestock man. Is there such a thing as an Aberdeen Findus?
September 29th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
36
Do these animals we are saving have to be alive? I thought we were ’saving’ their tender flesh for a rainy day?
I think Twenty’s idea about the steakshake is udderly (Ha, Conan) fantastic and I dont care if I look like a suck-up. (suck-up? SteakSHAKE?)
September 29th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
37
The O’Sullivans will be alright come the next flood- whether or which. Little do yiz know.
Ping … feckin … ping. Eheh.
September 29th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
38
I have to agree on the steak/ dairy argument,
but cows are creepy fucking animals..
Went into a vegetarian restaurant one day and asked if they had a “meat option”..
September 29th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
39
Morgor, you are a livestock man. Is there such a thing as an Aberdeen Findus?
yes, that’s a fact.
Guaranteed and protected by law.
September 29th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
40
RIP Paul Newman.. true Movie Star..
September 29th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
41
‘RIP Paul Newman..’
Did he only produce salad dressings or were there any marinades?
I heard the man liked a good cheeseburger. (and eggs, lots of eggs!)
September 29th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
42
You’d not have enough space for a herd of cows.
Hooronahonda is right, since this hypothetical (if likely) reality involves inundation then it has to be whales. They’ll keep fresh in the ocean until you need to catch and eat them. Being mammals they have milk, and you can turn their blubber into oil for lamps. If you only had cattle you’d be condemned to a life in darkness.
Sorry, I forgot it was Dirty Dave came up with this poser at 4.13am.
September 29th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
43
…would that be udder darkness Conan?
September 29th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
44
@Jo,
for fuck sake, for fucks sake
can’t remember the lesson
September 29th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
45
Ohhh, right. It’s for fuck’s sake. Like for God’s sake, not for God sake.
September 29th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
46
So, what do you call a cow with no legs?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
… ground beef.
September 29th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
47
Dunno why this came into my head, but has any one considered the ‘human’ as a source of meat…. Or am I just a sick individual.
September 29th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
48
Firstly, if your going to save a cow, why not make it a black Tajima-ushi cow from the Wyagu breed. This makes Kobe beef, the most expensive beef in the world and widely considered the best. And you mightn’t even need to slaughter it. Just make it lose face and it’d probably kill itself.
And on another note, if the only company that you’re going to have on your ark is bovine, you’d better make sure she’s good looking. I’m sure Morgor could help you out with that.
September 29th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
49
You wouldn’t want cows indoors with you during the rains. The smell. The methane. It would be like being on a tour bus with Shane McGowan.
So bearing in mind that Conan points out whales would stay fresher for longer couldn’t you have the cows swimming alongside? Then you could go for a walk of an evening as well.
September 29th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
50
After all we are the biggest ‘Animals’ on the Planet??
September 29th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
51
what about parrots? …a companion perhaps, but then there is the slightly repetitive conversation.
September 29th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
52
I was just thinking the other day, ifmy loved ones had died and I was stuck in some survival situation I’d offer myself up for meat and tallow. I don’t really fancy eating anyone else or having to be feral Jo and kill stuff…
I think I might be too scary to off myself though, so you’d have to drug me and kindly and bravely shoot me in the head while I slept. Who’d be brave enough?
September 29th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
53
Meh, not scary, scaredy.
September 29th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
54
Or maybe just batter you round the head Jo?? Promise you wouldn’t feel a thing!….
September 29th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
55
Don’t worry about it, Jo. You’d be killed in the fallout of an enormous scrap for the last available drugs between MB and my good self.
September 29th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
56
If you save any animal, make it the pig, but a small pig because they wouldn’t take up much room in the house. A cow would crowd you out. A horse would too.
September 29th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
57
Jo, “Who’d be brave enough?” Not me, but I’d toast the kindly butchers with Fuchs’ sake.
September 29th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
58
Sigh. My cursory glance at today’s posts tell me that despite the heading, not a one of you made a Highlander gag.
That could have lead to in depth analysis of why they got a french guy to play a scot, and a scot to play a spaniard, and whatever became of the rest of Kurgen’s career, and did you ever see that dodgy TV spin off where Conor McLeod’s cousin Duncan McCleod headed around exactly the same hinterland of middle America the A-Team occupied and yet somehow they never met.
Highlander was an awesome movie - in fact it’s still pretty cool, even with all the dodgy accents.
Waaannntt…
to-live…..
F’REEEEVVVVVVEEEEERRR!!!!!!!!
September 29th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
59
If it’s a choice between highland cattle or whales, the whales get my vote. Those highland cattle are too horny for confined spaces.
September 29th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
60
Twenty,
Did yo ever get a Zwirp,Zwirp on your pre paid mobile
to receive a message on your mobile with a message like this
“Weekend games offer from MyMOCo -Click Now! Stop Promotions?
Text OPTOUT to 57030.
These shower of CuntZ are operating from the Digital Hub and If you do not text OPTOUT to that number they send random text messages that cost you 2 euro per message.
Apparently complaing to Regtel.ie and The Data protrction commisioner has no effect.
The company is zamano.com they are a shower of CUNTZ
Spam the shit out of them.
September 29th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
61
Is there a beer cow?
September 29th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
62
They say the bees are important. I’d be for saving the bees although there’s not much eating on ‘em.
September 29th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
63
And they might not do so well on the ark, as an episode of Captain Pugwash actually pointed out. Strangely.
September 29th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
64
I’m a pig man myself, you should see my ex-wife. Les Dawson…..never dead….
September 29th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
65
I refer to Kobe beef once again Laughykate:
http://www.foodmanufacture.co.uk/news/fullstory.php/aid/3838/Prime_stock_gets_beer_and_massage.html
September 30th, 2008 at 9:11 am
66
I was with a vegetarian last week, and she didn’t bother anybody with this… but after I was with somedy who ate only organic stuff, and was really bothering everybody in the restaurant. Fianlly he has been served before the others, and has eaten alone…
September 30th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
67