Should have left well enough alone
Posted in Blog by Twenty Major on September 26th, 2008
Sometimes one finds oneself in a hurry and rather lacking in inspiration. At those times it is good to look in ones ‘drafts’ folder.
The ‘drafts’ folder should actually be called ’shit ideas you never actually deleted’ but that would be a bit wordy. So I had a look in there this morning to see if there was something I could cobble together. There was a post about Ronnie Drew (too dead), an idea involving that Aristocrats (seriously, NSFW) joke (too filthy) and one about some kind of election.
Then I saw one called ’surely not’ and thought ‘Aha! This must be something that irked me, caused me ire and such’ but when I opened it, it was completely empty. Why would I save a draft with just a title? That seems rather pointless to me. I must have had some kind of idea but wouldn’t I have at least written something like ‘Monkey blind piss’ in the post I have saved about how Dirty Dave steals a monkey but discovers that it goes around blinding people by doing monkey piss in their eyes (I really must get around to finishing that one off)?
Surely not. Surely not what? What was it? How will I ever know? It is tearing at me now. The not knowing is awful. What surely not?
Dammit. I should have just stayed out of that pesky folder. Although I had forgotten about the blinding piss monkey so perhaps it wasn’t all bad.
Saw an owl-chimp swing down from a tree this morning straight into the Thames and swim off down-river towards the sea.
It muttered something about ‘That fucker. I’ve had enough of this- whee!-whistle-clicketty-click.’
I’d take the day off if I were you. I think it knows where yoy live.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:51 am
Good morning.
Here’s what will happen… it will bug you today, less tomorrow and not at all the next day.
Then one day soon, something will trigger the memory of what was surely not.
And it will be an anti-climax.
I could be wrong, though. Unlikely. But possible.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:51 am
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I’m always amazed, looking back at old ideas, to see what I thought would make a good post.
Invariably, drafts never get finished because there wasn’t enough to them to follow through.
Having said that, the monkey-piss thing is a great idea
September 26th, 2008 at 8:51 am
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Some impeccably crafted Aristocrat jokes here:
berniewolfsteins[dot]blogspot[dot]com
I keep at him to do one a day but he’s either too lazy or away with the circus (yep, really).
September 26th, 2008 at 8:53 am
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Check your folders for draft-excluder snakes. TCapable of staing perfectly motionless for days at a time, blending into the wallpaper, they’ll pounce and fang a post to death if it so much as twitches.
Does anyone even use draft excluder snakes any more? My mammy had to lie to me and tell me ours was a draft excluding giatn caterpillar cos I was all afeardy of snakes for a while.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:54 am
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pcb - i can’t find a draught excluder snake anywhere. went looking for one last winter.
had to make do with a rolled up rug.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:57 am
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problemchildbride: My mammy had to lie to me and tell me ours was a draft excluding giatn caterpillar cos I was all afeardy of snakes for a while.
Jesus christ the things parents say. Mine informed me that RIP on a gravestone meant ‘rippied in pieces’. At the age of seven I thought there was some kind of machinery-based holocaust going on in Ireland.
Larkin was right. ‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad’. Cunts.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:58 am
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I don’t htink pounce is the right word for a draft eating snake. You might have to have legs to pounce. It seems like a leggy thing.
Fling, fling itself and fang the draft to death. Better.
Yep, bitty over-thirsty tonnight. Made some poor thirst-quenching choices. A bottle of white and Dead men Don’t Wear Plaid. I’ll hate me in the morning
September 26th, 2008 at 9:00 am
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Dead men Don’t Wear Plaid… you can’t hate yourself for at least a month after watching that. It’s that good
Twenty - great South Park clip but, like Kyle and Cartman, I don’t get it.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:04 am
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My drafts folder contains one would be post called “Sir Winfred Crosby”. It’s blank too. Who is this mysterious cad ? A quick google reveals nothing. I imagine him to be an explorer of some kind. But for some reason I have this in my head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nGrYEFG6Ho
September 26th, 2008 at 9:23 am
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super grover - the punchline of the aristocrats joke is irrelevant. The whole point is to make the build up as foul as possible. They made a whole film about it.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:34 am
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Not just parents PCB/BoS uncles are bastards too- youngest child asked Maggot had we any other brothers or sisters (a family of less than 7 being unusal round here)& Maggot told him there had been lots more only Granny ate them.We couldn’t work out why he seemed uneasy if Granny was minding him after school until much later he piped up and asked if was REALLY true
September 26th, 2008 at 9:38 am
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The film is excellent.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:38 am
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maggot sinks to greater depths of depravity. That’s a sad little story, sm! I hope you’re not too mature and genteel to kick your brother in the nads.
I read this great thing in the Times, Twenty, someone wrote about having a dream argument with their boss, and nailing him with a deadly riposte, he couldn’t believe how good it was, so brilliant that he woke up and had to write it down. In the morning he eagerly looked at his notepad and was dismayed to see that he’d scrawled ‘And the same to you!’ on it.
I’d let the ’surely not go if I were you.
There are so many little surely nots - ‘Green tomato ketchup? Surely not.’ ‘Digging up Stephen’s Green? Surely not”Letting the Haughey family keep their island? Surely not’.
Have the Haughey family kept their island, by the way?
September 26th, 2008 at 9:46 am
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SM ‘there had been lots more only Granny ate them.’
Eheh. First Super-Gran, then Super-Size-Me Gran. heh.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:46 am
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Draught excluder snakes available in Home Store & More / Tommy`s wonderland of value - Northside SC / various other Kitsch & Crap shops
September 26th, 2008 at 9:51 am
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I bet there’s lots of patterns for making them online as well. A little project for you, SG
September 26th, 2008 at 9:52 am
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Yeah, Jo, that’ll happen.
Of course, if you fancy a little home project to brighten up your Jeremy Kyle and Valium lifestyle…
September 26th, 2008 at 10:05 am
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Dwarf, I will have a look in HS&M, there’s one 2 minutes from where I work.
Winter is coming and on a cold windy day there is a little draught spot at the bottom of the balcony doors…
… no, I agree, not interesting.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:06 am
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MY Jeremy Kyle and Valium lifestyle, SG? Fuck off! No draught excluder for you!
September 26th, 2008 at 10:16 am
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D’OH!
Ah feckit, it was worth it.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:22 am
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Cheeky fucker. That’s almost worse than Xbox insisting I listen to Enya.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:27 am
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I wouldn’t worry about what people named after a games console and a blue furry puppet think about you and your lifestyle, all the same, Jo.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:32 am
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Ahem - in my defence - there was a point to my story - I said she ate them because they wouldn’t eat their greens.
And at least I’m not banned from the post office!
September 26th, 2008 at 10:33 am
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We all despise Jeremy Kyle, never watch the show,stereotypes & exploits etc. still, any time I have been passing the TV & he has the envelope with the lie detector/DNA results , such is his aura & power it stops me in my tracks
September 26th, 2008 at 10:37 am
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Oooooh maggot not banned, self-imposed exile.I shall buy my stamps & euros elsewhere.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:40 am
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Twenty, did you check the file for mouse droppings? Little bastards’d chew through your new book if you let them.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:53 am
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Oooooh maggot not banned, self-imposed exile.
So why are there pictures of you on the walls ?
September 26th, 2008 at 11:12 am
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Maggot, does the lads granny look like Jabba the Hutt? I’d be reticent about staying with somebody who looked like Jabba the Hutt, especially after some wally told me she had eaten the other grandkids.
September 26th, 2008 at 11:23 am
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I was going to start my comment with : “STOP THE PRESSES! TWENTY MAJOR FINDS JOKE TOO FILTHY!!!”…until I heard the joke. Seriously…if the guy that does Cartman’s voice did that all in one take he needs to see a padded room asap.
September 26th, 2008 at 11:59 am
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Just for Twenty
September 26th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
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Some great pics there - Farewell Kermit
September 26th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
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“Snake consuming a frog in Kuala Lumpur. By Sarah Hunter-Choat of Hereford”
That’s some lens.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
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Jesus, I’m supposed to go live there in a few years. Had forgotten all about snakes and weird things like that.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
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Thats not a snake swallowing a toad. Thats a toad wearing a snake skin jacket.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
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Sadly no pictures of Owls though.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
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Twenty, there are no owls or dolphins in Antarctica.
September 26th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
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There are penguins though - not good for the Spheniscidaeaphobic.
September 26th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
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I’ve checked. Sorry, though Maggot. I’d allowed spheniscidaeaphobia to slip my mind temporarily.
I can organise a lift for Twenty to check for himself. I have friends and influence in low places.
A certain relative has been transferred to a new job in the defence forces. I’m not allowed to say but a hint would be ‘As Above, So Below’.
Standing by.
September 26th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
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Twenty, when I find I cannot concentrate on the job in hand here’s what I do. I sit down at the table with a freshly sharpened pencil, a blank piece of foolscap and a hot cup of tea.
First you must gently rest your forehead on the paper close your eyes and chant quietly ‘I will succeed’, ‘I will succeed’ etc.
Then when you wake up three hours later just pour your freezing cold tea down the sink, tear up the paper (after peeling it carefully from your cheek), throw the pencil at the cat and head for the pub, simple.
September 26th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
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Don’t call me Shirley.
September 26th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
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Ping … ping … ping ..ping.pingpingpingpingpingping KerruNNCH! … Ping …. Ping ….Ping
September 26th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
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eh??
September 26th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
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Stipes; Ever seen ‘The Abyss’? Its the Irish Naval version- Th’ Abysmal.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
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yea, got that one, it was Elvis I was talking to
September 26th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
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‘it was Elvis I was talking to’. Eheh.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
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Owls? what the fucking fuck is it about owls that gives half you goombahs a semi? The FASCINATING thing about owls is that they can turn their heads right the way round and that’s twice as impressive if you know a hooker whose nickname is ‘the owl’.
But fuck all that, it’s time to go to the fucking pub and drink guinness until the systems shut down. Shouldn’t take too long this week - I don’t know about y’all, but I am fucking exhausted.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
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Monkey piss is one good reason not to stand close to the monkey cage in the zoo.
September 26th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
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Yeah but some of those girl monkeys are hot !
September 26th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
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I know this is completely off-topic, but I am in a 9 channel house at the moment and I have just seen boyzone on the late late show.
Twenty, you are a man of influence in this town, get a fucking campaign going or something.
Stop this madness!!
September 26th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
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Monkey piss only blinds you temporarily. Still, it’s enough to disorientate you while they make their escape, whooping wildly.
September 26th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
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9 channels and Boyzone, thats the business. how much did that cost?
September 27th, 2008 at 2:15 am
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Paul Newman.
Old man.
Gone, man.
(sad face)
September 28th, 2008 at 3:27 am
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Butch, if you get time, will you pop over to my blog and post a comment just like the one above?
Fancy a job writing our ‘Deaths’ column?
PS
-This is how you do ’sad face’; :(
September 28th, 2008 at 10:11 am
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only you could have made a post out of this, the number of times I’ve hoped their might be a bit of inspiration in the draught folder…….this was so obvious ………..now that it’s been done!
September 28th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
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drafts folder is actually called “shit ideas you’ll wind up using one day outta laziness”
September 28th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
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Cheers MB. I’ve never been able to bring myself to do a sad face emoticon. It just seems so fucking insincere.
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September 28th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
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Is that a Rabbi?
September 29th, 2008 at 5:08 am
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What do I know from Rabbis?
September 29th, 2008 at 7:16 am
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