Be careful out there
I have been following with great interest all the recent whale sightings around Ireland in the last week. Just the other day I heard on the radio that a blue whale had been seen in Irish waters for the first time ever. That was swiftly followed by two more.
Now, blue whales don’t normally use Irish waters so I am suspicious. I mean, it’s not like they’re rocking up for a bowl of coddle and a creamy pint, is it? No, they’re obviously scouts, sent ahead to monitor the situation and the reaction to their appearance.
Those despicable bastards in the Irish Whale and Dolphin Group are falling over themselves with joy that a blue whale has chosen to take its holidays off the Irish coast, failing to see the truth behind it all. I can guarantee you that the whales pop up to the surface, shake their arses a bit to make sure they get noticed, then go back underwater and emit sonariffic sounds which travel for hundreds of miles. What are these sounds?
Well, I took myself down to the site of one of these whale sightings and I recorded some underwater audio. It’s a bit grainy but this is obviously a whale communication and it was recorded just yesterday afternoon.
Ahh, all well and good but how can we know what they’re talking about? Fear not, for I have invented a special filter which translates whale sounds into English. It’s a bit ropey just at the moment, still in Beta (a bit like Cuil, don’t you know), but it works. I wish I could say I was shocked at what I heard but I wasn’t in the slightest. My suspicions were right all along. Listen.
I fucking told you, didn’t I? Those shifty looking, know something we don’t cunts are planning an all out assault.
You can hang around if you want. Not me though. I’m off to buy some tuna nets, it’s their only weakness.
September 19th, 2008 at 9:28 am
They appear to be saying “All hail Twenty”? On the subject of Tuna.. I have it from a marine biologist that Scampi in a basket is what you need to get hold of.
September 19th, 2008 at 9:29 am
I don’t know why you’re worried about whales. Whales not a problem.
You know we’ve got GREAT WHITE SHARKS now, don’t you?
There’ll be no more going in the water for me – I was nervous enough about fins on the horizon before I knew they were actually here.
September 19th, 2008 at 9:30 am
The whales are calling the dolphins ashore. I don’t know about you but I’m terrified. Fucking dolphin cunts.
September 19th, 2008 at 9:41 am
It’s even worse Twenty – The Green think-in has passed a resolution that they should be given vote – if enough of them arrive there will be a Green Government!
September 19th, 2008 at 9:41 am
I have been attending porpoise self-defence classes for the last 7 and a half weeks.
It’s all about the blowhole. Get yourself behind them and strike.
September 19th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Bastards. I can’t even call on an expert. Utter bastards.
September 19th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Hahaha, I was waiting for something like that.
September 19th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Don’t worry the Americans have crack teams of permatanned dolphin trainers. A couple of buckets of fish & an electric cattleprod would do as a standby til they arrive. Or take SG’s advice – put a poultice in their blowholes but that would only be a temporary measure (& messy)
September 19th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Tough choice though – Whales/Dolphins or the place swarming with Japanese/Scandinavian whalers ? I think I’d rather have a few whales about the place.
September 19th, 2008 at 10:28 am
David Hasselhof. Mock him if you like but you’ll end up turning to him in your hour of need. Resistance is futile.
September 19th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Ha, did you see him in the Spongebob movie?
September 19th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Who was the Beardy Dj you referred to last night Twenty?
September 19th, 2008 at 10:35 am
DLT?
September 19th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Heh…
Ps.i think you are missing the real evil bastards in all of this…I do think that the jellyfish control all sea life..this whale/dolphin invasion is just a diversion for the real threat… be warned!
September 19th, 2008 at 10:45 am
It´s time to call on Admiral Cornelius O Sullivan. I´m sure they have been monitoring this and have a plan. Is anybody at work in Haulbowline yet??? Helooooo Navy??? Anyone there??
September 19th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Fill – there’s a delightful irony in Japanese waters being invaded by giant poisonous Jellyfish – as their natural predator was the whale!
Sushi is bad enough, but poached jellyfish salad ? I’ll have haggis any day!
September 19th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Sorry Don Juan, he’s out of contact. He’s down there now with only haulbowline hoors and treachery on his mind…
September 19th, 2008 at 10:53 am
DLT O’Shea.
September 19th, 2008 at 10:54 am
He’s bearded now, is he?
September 19th, 2008 at 10:57 am
An inside source tells me that the fleet is massing in Blacksod Bay and drilling for broadsides… 2&6 HEAVE!!!! The Rod is back on reserve
September 19th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Jo – see new post.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:03 am
An inside source tells me that the fleet is massing in Blacksod Bay and drilling for broadsides… 2&6 HEAVE!!!! The Rod is back on reserve
We will pay for making the cunts jump through hoops. Are you happy now Sea World? ARE YOU?!
September 19th, 2008 at 11:06 am
If you go out to the Fastnet of an evening you can see Hooded-Whales hanging about. Smoking fags and looking threatening.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I could organise an armada to help Ireland, but going on past experience it will take months to get ready, get decimated somewhere in the English Channel, get chased up the North Sea and the Scottish Coast and the poor surviving wretches of Spanish sailors sent to help you will be slaughtered when they get ashore by you ungrateful bastards….. On second thoughts, you´re on your own this time. Use your own fucking Navy!!!!
September 19th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Oh jesus this is torture. Twenty I just want you to know that You-Know-Who could handle this very quickly.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Your choking Batty, admit it, it’s fucking killing you not mentioning a certain person with a health portfolio.
Whales and dolphins are fucking sound, there are far more sinister fucking goings on than these creatures. Look closer to home, count how the crow and magpie populations have fucking exploded. It will not be long before they peck out our eyes and leave us for dead.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Wrong person, PP. Its Not The Woman I Love, but a close relative who is banned.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:59 am
or the horribly expanding spider population pp. youngest child interrupted an enormous one which had pounced on a big raisin he had cunningly discarded from his branflakes. Took ages of timidly poking at it before it dropped off & ran away. Undecided if it was diversifying or attempting to mate with the raisin (apparently this is the breeding season). watch out all small men.or women. and/or dwarves I suppose
September 19th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
State 1 Cond Z
September 19th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
No one would have believed that
in the first years of the 21st century
that human affairs where being watched
from the timeless worlds of sea.
No one could have dreamed we were being scrutinized
as someone with a microscope studies creatures
that swarm and multiply in a drop of water…
September 19th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Richard Burton had the coolest voice in the world.bar none.Morgan Freeman sounds like bosco in comparison.
September 19th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Don’t know what you’re all so worried about – the dolphins are all gone – ever since the “earth being vapourised by the Vogons to make way for a hyperspace bypass” incident.
September 19th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
A harpoon up the poon will solve the whale problem and then they can be cut up and put on the barbie.
September 19th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
But sure our world would be no use to them… the cycle-lanes aren’t nearly big enough. Nah, I can’t see that they’re doing this on porpoise.
September 19th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Fucking “Cuil”. What a piece of shit.
September 20th, 2008 at 1:52 am
Again state 1 cond z…… yez r all feck in freeks. you are a disgrace to the republic and might not survive… provos will die first. GUARANTEED. DIE DIE DIE.
September 20th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Completely unrelated topic -
I am visiting Ireland for the first time next week, and one of my greatest hopes is to find a QUIET pub that would still allow me to smoke my Peterson, in spite of the dreadful smoking ban. If anyone knows of any, and would be willing to e-mail that information to me, I’d be most grateful:
the_dumb_ox@yahoo.com
September 20th, 2008 at 10:59 am
the majority of pubs in the countryside will let you smoke after hours.so unless you’re a lightweight,wait till about half twelve,they close the doors and, bobs your uncle,out come the ashtrays.
September 21st, 2008 at 11:02 am
Come to England instead Derek (above), you can ’smoke your Peterson’ (that’s not a Norweigan whaling phrase is it?) in my fair City at the Muslim Shisha bars with the scented tobacco puffing lawless mullahs, and their ‘right on’ lefty friends.
PS stop blubbering about the forthcoming whale invasion, it’s better the whales than the welsh
September 22nd, 2008 at 5:41 pm
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