An afternoon incident
Posted on | September 16, 2008 | 48 Comments
*chomp chomp chomp*
*tear*
*rip slowly*
*chomp chomp*
*rip slower*
*pause*
*gauge pain*
*chomp*
*rip gently*
*rip more gently*
*chomp at far end*
*rip some more*
*chomp chomp*
*make cup of tea*
*return to job at hand*
*rip more slowly than 1500m in the Torsolympics where athletes have no arms, legs or external propulsion devices*
*tentative chomp*
*final rip*
*gauge pain. minimal. success*
*chomp chomp chomp*
*swallow*
Biting your nails and getting rather too close to the quick is such a delicate operation.
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48 Responses to “An afternoon incident”
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September 16th, 2008 @ 8:53 am
Im still a serial nail chomper but I have recently discovered chewing on the bits of skin that break off at the bottom of the nail..”Mitchers” is the common term for them apparently. They are quite tasty(an subtle air of sweetness) and easier to swallow than a well chewed nail. Theres no need to worry about one of these little fellows getting caught in your throat.
September 16th, 2008 @ 8:56 am
Just given up in the last year, after 25 years of it. Must have found some other way of annoying myself and other people. Can’t think what.
September 16th, 2008 @ 9:11 am
I bite my toe nails, they say are better for you, less chance food poisoning.
September 16th, 2008 @ 9:20 am
I thought this was going be about cutting youself out of a trap, but the cup of tea threw me. I wouldn’t have gone with chomping, exactly!
This is from Louise, author of You Can Heal Your Life’ – I’m going ot post it just to annoy you.
Dear Louise,
I’m in high school and I have such a bad habit: I bite my fingernails all the time. I don’t know what to do about it anymore. What do you suggest I do?
G.D., Los Angeles, CA
You’re so afraid of doing something wrong. You’re worried sick that someone will find you failing. This is terrible pressure to live under. Don’t do this to yourself. Let it go.
The fingers represent attention to details, and nail biting often masks frustration and anger. You’re literally eating away at yourself with angry thoughts and feelings. Nail biting, like any addictive habit, is a means for coping with these uncomfortable feelings. The best way to release a negative habit is to find a more effective form of expression for your frustration. Active journaling or drawing may be helpful. An excellent book on this subject is, Recovery of Your Inner Child by Dr. Lucia Capacchione.
Also, kiss your nails several times a day with love. They’ve been hated for far too long. Affirmations to use are: I HAVE A HIGH REGARD AND RESPECT FOR MYSELF. I SUPPORT AND LOVE MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY. AS A RESULT, I AM SAFE TO EXPRESS ALL THAT I AM! I RELEASE AND I LET GO. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK. I LOVE MYSELF, AND I AM PERFECT JUST AS I AM RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW. I AM SAFE AND FILLED WITH JOY. All IS WELL IN MY WORLD.
September 16th, 2008 @ 9:22 am
Clearly the blogging’s not flushing the rage out like it should :)
September 16th, 2008 @ 9:40 am
Like it Jo, although I remain deeply suspicious of Dr Lucia Capacchione. Sounds like something you’d order across a counter.
You could always use:
I love me
Me is grand
When I’m with me
I hold my hand.
September 16th, 2008 @ 9:44 am
Also, kiss your nails several times a day with love
What a load of cock.
September 16th, 2008 @ 9:57 am
I was sure the post was going to end as Bastardface dealing with a Jehovah’s Witness on your doorstep.
September 16th, 2008 @ 10:00 am
Bastarface is a coffee drinker.
September 16th, 2008 @ 10:19 am
It’s great when you get a nail off in a perfect arc without damaging the edge skin.
Makes a really good toothpick. Then you can bend it backwards, grip between lower and upper front teeth and spring it across the room like an arrow.
“I LOVE MYSELF, AND I AM PERFECT JUST AS I AM RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW. I AM SAFE AND FILLED WITH JOY. All IS WELL IN MY WORLD.”
Aaaaggghhhh
September 16th, 2008 @ 10:20 am
Well, not like an arrow. More like a boomerang that doesn’t come back.
September 16th, 2008 @ 10:26 am
Jo, Dr Lucia is definitely dodgy. Biting your nails is perfectly natural- how else did they manage before scissors? Even the rich & famous aren’t above chewing their fingers- look at Elijah Wood’s grubby little mangled nails when he’s holding the Ring & I bet HE loves himself.(unless he has a Hand Double, or something)
September 16th, 2008 @ 10:26 am
Jaysus Man, what’s eating you?
September 16th, 2008 @ 10:26 am
Ouch!
Sadly, when I got to “*pause*…*gauge pain*…*chomp*” I was thinking “that sounds a bit like when you bite a nail too far.
That’s probably a sign I should quit.
September 16th, 2008 @ 10:35 am
‘Nail meat again, don’t know where, don’t know when …’
Someone’s got to start it off.
September 16th, 2008 @ 10:44 am
I would have though a metrosexual like Mr Major would have had a manicure and pedicure during some kind of alternative therapies. You are not getting into the spirit of being an “artist” Mr Major.
September 16th, 2008 @ 10:46 am
I would never even think of myself as an artist because artists are all cunts.
Oh.
September 16th, 2008 @ 11:04 am
Would you be “running” in the 1500m Torsolympics? Rolling maybe?
September 16th, 2008 @ 11:08 am
It’s tragic – listening to a wonderful piece played by Julian Lloyd Weber on radio 3 – and cannot get the thought of the grotesque Andrew out of my head!
Try weaning yourself off the nails by sucking them frantically. If desperate run fingers down back bottom and then when tempted remember where fingers have been.
September 16th, 2008 @ 11:14 am
Would you be “running” in the 1500m Torsolympics? Rolling maybe?
Flopping like a fish out of water maybe.
September 16th, 2008 @ 11:20 am
Heh – the Mahon tribunal sounds lively this morning!
Man interrupts Ahern in witness box
September 16th, 2008 @ 11:30 am
Shame he didn’t interrupt him in the face with a blunderbuss.
September 16th, 2008 @ 11:32 am
One of lifes private pleasures.
September 16th, 2008 @ 11:37 am
Shame he didn’t interrupt him in the face with a blunderbuss.
Another FF martyr? Would make for some interesting newspaper columns though, that’s for sure.
September 16th, 2008 @ 11:52 am
I switched from nails to the bits of skin to grinding my teeth to nothing
September 16th, 2008 @ 12:45 pm
an afternoon tumbleweed blows by…..
September 16th, 2008 @ 12:55 pm
I’m enjoying music by this chap
Gerald Tyrwhitt-Wilson, 14th Baron Berners
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Berners
Reads like something from P G Wodehouse – although the male companion sounds a bit .. dodgy
September 16th, 2008 @ 12:58 pm
Shame he didn’t interrupt him in the face with a blunderbuss.
He has a bulletproof face y’know…
oh bullSHIT proof..sorry
September 16th, 2008 @ 1:02 pm
Where ya been Monkey Balls?
September 16th, 2008 @ 1:02 pm
“Berners was notorious for his eccentricity[3], dyeing pigeons at his house in Faringdon in vibrant colors and at one point having a giraffe as a pet and tea companion.”
heh heh heh.
September 16th, 2008 @ 1:03 pm
Just Morgor had been sayin’ you and Batty have been lubing each other up.
September 16th, 2008 @ 1:12 pm
Fascinating guy SG
“Gerald, fourteenth Lord Berners, though he was to paint moustaches on his ancestral portraits in much the same spirit,”
“Lady Berners, his grandmother, who inherited the title rather than marrying it, was the least appealing character and is presented, under the ineffective disguise of `Lady Bourchier’ (Gerald liked to leave clues), as an ogre, `not unlike Holbein’s picture of Bloody Mary with just a touch of Charley’s Aunt … one of the most forbidding awe-inspiring women I have ever known’. Dressed in black silk, like the Queen, she was ferociously religious, and Gerald claimed that she described herself in Who’s Who as `distinctly low’, without any risk of being misunderstood (in fact she put `distinctly Protestant’). Secular pictures were turned to the wall on Sundays. The twenty-two servants all went to church and, as they seated themselves, their `satins’ made a sound that was still remembered seventy years later. ”
http://www.nytimes.com/books/first/a/amory-berners.html
His self-epitaph :
Here lies Lord Berners
One of the learners,
His great love of learning
May earn him a burning,
But, praise to the Lord,
He seldom was bored.
There is a good deal to be said for frivolity. Frivolous people, when all is said and done, do less harm in the world than some of our philanthropisers and reformers. Mistrust a man who never has an occasional flash of silliness.
September 16th, 2008 @ 1:18 pm
I am currently rediscovering the pure dunktastic heaven that are Ginger Nuts.
The biscuits, not the culchie genitalia…
I prefer that at the weekend..
September 16th, 2008 @ 1:46 pm
Meeting in Dublin hotel bar last night:
‘Howya Bertie’
‘Grand. How’s the tribunal money coming in?’
‘Like Ireland’s very first tsunami, Bertie.’
‘Tell you what- tell your pal the judge that we should have a ‘terse exchange’ tomorrow as I need to liven up that chapter in my official biography. The way it is now it looks like I’m guilty of sumpt’n’.
‘Heh heh. I hear you. He’ll want another ten grand for that, though.’
‘Call it a dig-out’.
‘Bertie. You are a real card. ‘Nother pint?’
‘Why not.’
September 16th, 2008 @ 1:50 pm
maggot, ’tis the headers that make this life worth living.
September 16th, 2008 @ 1:54 pm
Except for that Cunt Hirst SG – £70.5 million ?
September 16th, 2008 @ 1:57 pm
Just read in the paper that one of the tragic side effects of this crash or slow-down or whatever for the City money folk is that they are having to ‘let their dogs’ go as part of an economy drive. We have 2 & thanks to Mr Tesco it costs about £10 a week to feed them both. Can they not find a tenner under all the stuff in the boxes marked ‘other people’s money’ that they have squirreled away? Bet even Bertie hasn’t given his dog away yet.
September 16th, 2008 @ 1:57 pm
I’ve been carrying a dead fish stuffed with straw and dipped in Guinness around the galleries for weeks now and the best offer I’ve had is to ‘fuck off before I call the police’.
Philistines.
September 16th, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
Also, kiss your nails several times a day with love
What a load of cock.
Heh heh heh, I thought that’d getcha.
September 16th, 2008 @ 2:11 pm
Berners had Hirst trumped :
“Berners’ will stipulated that he was to be stuffed and hung behind glass over the Faringdon drawing-room mantelpiece.”
September 16th, 2008 @ 2:12 pm
Myself and the lovely Holemaster have been a walk this morning. I’ve got home, made lunch, checked mail – and I have NONE. No emails at all. What’s up with that? I can’t take it!
And blogger’s down as well.
Is it the end of the world?
September 16th, 2008 @ 2:14 pm
Are you a Lehman Brother? If so, ring home urgently.
September 16th, 2008 @ 2:36 pm
We have 2 & thanks to Mr Tesco it costs about £10 a week to feed them both.
Hell, I remember when times were hard you sold one of the grubs to Mia Farrow to buy catfood.
( Oh , and the truth is they buy Lidl! )
September 16th, 2008 @ 3:30 pm
Oh, you’ve sold her down the river, maggot!
September 16th, 2008 @ 3:55 pm
As the nail remnants make their way into the atmosphere, do they scratch or cut the butt? Just asking!
I think Sara Brighton was married to Andrew Lloyd Andrews at one time; then she opened her eyes.
September 16th, 2008 @ 4:01 pm
I think Sara Brighton was married to Andrew Lloyd Andrews at one time; then she opened her eyes.
I think he actually ran out of Rhoypnol and it was a sunday evening,no chemists open.so she woke out of the trance and legged it over the back wall..
September 16th, 2008 @ 5:52 pm
Can’t buy Lidl, maggot, you should know this-Finn brings it straight back up again. Usually on the sofa, but the once on the husband’s chair did the trick. believe me, if there was a cheaper way to feed them without inducing vomiting he would have found it. Same for the grubs (without vomiting)- they just refuse the Lidl flabby smoked cheese slices & strange mushroomy chocolate cake things he buys. The fruit is fine tho
I saw a strange Hello-type article once about La Brightman & ALW, lots of garish photos.She had started to look a bit like him, starey eyes & tousled hair, think you might be right about the rohypnol Fill3rup
September 16th, 2008 @ 6:18 pm
Strange stories about La Brightman – but they could be actionable so I’ll say no more in case I incur the wrath of Twenty!